Friday

I'm out of sorts today. No particular reason; probably a bunch of collective ones. Hubby leaves tomorrow for a work week in Mexico. My son is in the woods for the entire summer working Scout camp, and e-mailed this morning that a friend of his from the other Scout camp was killed in a wreck last Sunday. That sends a mom's wits on a bad journey, especially as Father's Day approaches. How many times a day do I worry about the same thing happening to my own son? I cooked all day yesterday to provide lunch to some Japanese engineers visiting my husband's work. I enjoyed doing it, but now the fruits of my labor are gone and I'm left with an empty fridge and a dirty kitchen. Hubby seemed out of sorts this morning. He didn't get home until late last night as a whole group took the Japanese visitors out to dinner. I could stand still and watch my whole life swirl around me, or so it feels. And I didn't sleep good. For the past week, I've babied my left knee. It hadn't given me any trouble in many months, but suddenly it's really hurting. Things I could do a week ago, I can't do now. Last night, the knee pain remained constant and radiated to my legs through the night, so I never stayed in one position for long. I blamed it on too many trips up and down a set of 3 stairs to move artwork for display last Friday. It was fine before that. What it boils down to is that I don't want to go to the doctor. I'm certain I'd be referred to the specialist who rehabilitated my shoulder several years ago. It always starts out the same way. They tell me I need to lose weight. In one sentence, they would demolish my 8 pound trophy from last weeks efforts, and I don't want to be shot down this early. Fortunately it's summer, and I can take it easy a while and see where this goes. Though I want to spend next week in the studio, I will have to limit my trips up and down the steps. So I'm just whining. I'll get out of the house a bit today. I need to go get crickets for my son's gecko, and the dogs will be out of food in the next week. Maybe a nice coffee while I'm out. Mom would say I need white hyacinths for my soul, but I think they're out of season.

Back In The Saddle Again

February, March, April, and May sucked. I didn't keep a firm grip on the reins, and my plan fell apart. I don't know what it is. I blame it on stress at work that derails my intentions. Even with a fridge, a microwave, and an electric tea kettle in my classroom, I still can't find the illusive balance that losing weight relies upon. I surround myself with healthy foods, then eat them ALL when the storm clouds of stress loom overhead. That describes those 4 months, and having braved the storm, I picked up nearly 20 of my lost pounds. The last day of school for me was last Tuesday. On Wednesday, I started all over again. It is now Wednesday again, and I am down 8 pounds from last Wednesday. Another 10.5 and I'll be back where I left off in January. That's do-able, and emotionally I'm ready set to make it happen. It was mid July of last summer when I discovered what works for me, and I experienced good loss the remainder of last summer. I have no doubt in my ability to succeed, especially with an added 6 weeks of summer effort to my advantage this summer. Stress is definitely a factor, and since I can imagine no way to avoid it, I must devise a way to navigate it. I'm open to suggestions. I do think I need to purchase an additional digital scale so as to keep one in my classroom. I don't like to pack my lunch. I don't know what I might want to eat 15 hours in advance. I can stock my mini fridge with mainstays, one of which I only recently discovered and will require measuring it. It's a spread made with tofu...it came to me recommended as a foundation spread for little finger sandwiches, but it has a world of potential as a dip, as a cheese/mayo replacement, for veggies, for pretzels; I have eaten it sometimes twice a day in the past week and whipped up a second batch this morning. I could see making it on the weekend and keeping a container of it at work. Even an apple gets weighed, as do bananas, cherries, cucumbers and tomato. I possess enough OCD to feel totally defeated it I must "guess". That's how I got fat in the first place! I thought a little of this and a little of that wouldn't matter. So as ridiculous as it might sound, I will move forward with my calories, ounces and grams in check. I'm even measuring the non-starchy veggies. No guess work. So with full accountability, I'm back to staying within the 1500 calorie perimeter. It works, and I don't feel deprived. Are you kidding? I have eaten more better tasting food this past week than I had February-May combined. It's time intensive to plan, prepare, and creatively present (so as to amuse myself), but 8 pounds is a definite victory in my lifelong battle. And I realize at no time during the past year was I defeated. Numbers up or numbers down, I'm making better choices. There are foods that don't come in my house any more. Not because they're not allowed, but because my love affair with them is over. I've replaced them with fresher, less processed, low calorie, low fat, high fiber alternatives. I don't remember the last time I ate a canned vegetable or fruit. We don't eat beef in our home because my husband cannot. So like a bonsai, we're constantly making minor adjustments and shaping a more healthy way of living. It's not perfect yet, but it's better than it was a year ago. Way better than it was 5 years ago, and exponentially better than it was growing up on fried chicken, biscuits, gravy, liver and onions, macaroni and cheese, hotdogs, sausage, whole milk ice cream by the half gallon served on a bed of peanut butter, supreme pizzas at bedtime, inhaling secondhand smoke all the while. Nutrition was never a factor growing up. All we knew was that everything Mom made tasted good, and the more she made, the better, because that meant seconds! I'm 20 years younger than my Mom was when she died of a heart attack. I'd like to think I have more than 20 years to live. I first experienced significant weight loss 23 years ago...when I was 23! I've spent HALF my life being conscientious, being extremely aware of what I eat. Up until yesterday when someone dining 2 tables away on the same restaurant deck as I was lit up a cigarette, I can't recall the last time I encountered cigarette smoke. It's hard to break cycles and swim against the current. Sometime soon I'm going to make the appointment to have blood work done late summer, early fall. I haven't had any done the past year, and I still hang on to my last report. I'm anxious to see where the numbers are after a summer of hardcore "this". "That" may be the catalyst that sends me back to work with the motivation to continue "this" come Hell or high water! I DID have my blood pressure taken sometime in May and it was exceptionally good. The only reason I had it done then was because I was feeling as though I might burst at the seams and drop dead any moment. Fortunately, I did not, and was more than pleasantly surprised to see that while my weight was not going down at the time, my choices were still making me healthier. I promise I will not go another 4 months without an update. This really helps me, so thanks for reading. Suggestions and comments are welcomed along the way.