Ok...It's ON!

I've been on a slippery slope for some time now. I totally lost whatever grip I had, what, 6 weeks ago?...When I stopped blogging. Nonetheless, I was doing wrong before I stopped confessing. Though modifications were made along the way to prevent total catastrophe, I still managed to follow the national average and gained 11 pounds from Halloween to Christmas. That being said, I am still quite happy to report I am 12 pounds below where I was one year ago today! Historically, I cannot recall more than a small handful of years where I did not progressively gain from year to year, so to me, a deficit of 12 pounds is equivalent to the brakes being to the floor, screeching, and that makes me happy. So today, I got on the scales again. I opened the Word document I started back in August and entered my current weight. I went to the end of each month and typed in a goal for that month indicating my desire to lose an average of 2.5 per week. It helped me to see what I might accomplish by the end of this coming summer. Really! It did! To see what number I'd be at if I mind my manners, rather than saying "I'd like to lose 100 pounds"...it seems so much more realistic when the commitment is laid out in baby steps. Next, at some point in the next month, I will establish a reward system for myself for reaching my monthly goal. I'm thinking maybe a Christmas ornament for each goal since Christmas is my bookmark date, frog ornaments maybe, so I can devote an entire small tree to my accomplishment. I keep a small, skinny tree up year round in my spare room, and it doesn't have anything on it. Just thinking... Any ideas?

I'm Here

Forgot to weigh on Saturday until after I had had my coffee and nibbled. Weighed on Sunday and I was up. No surprise. It wasn't terrible, and I was already sliding back into better choices. As of today, I still have not gone to the grocery store since before I got sick, so we are literally down to condiments. The fridge is so empty, I have wiped down the shelves! I'm making a grocery run this evening when I take my son to work. This has to go better when I have choices. As it is, I've nibbled in search of what it is I'm hungry for, when all I really want if a full meal. Fruits and vegetables have not been high on my list for 2 weeks. I did go get my blood pressure checked today. I hadn't had it checked since I was in the doctor's office 2 weeks ago, and it was 180/110 then. Today, I am proud to say, it was.....drum roll please....120/78. That alone is incentive to not give up on beating my odds. I already have.
Exciting news.....we got a hot tub! We had talked about it for some time, looked at them a while, and finally picked one. It was delivered day before yesterday. It took 24 hours to heat the water to 104 degrees, but as of last night at 9pm, it's juuuuuuuuust right. We put it under the existing deck so we can use it in any weather, and we have a 180 degree view side to side of sky and mountains. It was clear and twinkly out last night. For people who never go anywhere or do anything, this is a HUGE treat!!

Sunday

Feeling somewhat better today. I'm very weak and simple tasks like taking a shower make me tired and wobbly. I did brave the scales today and am in disbelief that I've lost 1/4 pound. Perhaps my indiscretions will catch up with me later this week; I've made really bad choices, all for the sake of convenience so I could go back to doing absolutely nothing, or sleep. Sleep has been the thing I've enjoyed most through this ordeal and I know it's necessary for the drugs to do their thing. Sleep bought me escape from the misery of the symptoms until the antibiotics finally kicked in and started to eliminate the negatives. I'm not sure I'm ready to go back to work tomorrow, but it's easier to go in my current state than it is to find a sub. Besides, if I improve as much from today to tomorrow as I did from yesterday to today, I should be ok. And it is my short day; no responsibilities to keep me beyond 2:35, so I can leave immediately, come home and rest. I have some work I need to do this afternoon for having left early Friday. My son and I will eat out somewhere after I pick him up from work, as is our tradition when my husband is out of town on business. He's not expected to be able to come home until Thursday at the earliest. They tried to send him to China and Japan within the same time frame for possible future job bidding, but opted to send him to the paying customer who needed him now. We're hoping he doesn't have to turn around and leave again upon his return.

Damn it all...

I'm not getting on the scales this week. Fighting other battles. After a week of feeling really rotten with symptoms changing daily, and a steady rotation of OTC meds to ward off symptom du jour, I broke down and went to the doctor today. It was a professional development day at work in the morning, and a workday without kids in the afternoon. This comes on the tail of having worked until 7pm last night for parent teacher conferences. Historically, teachers take extended lunches on these days and don't always come back. I stayed get get professionally developed, called the doctor's office at 11:30 and got a 1:30 appointment. I cashed in my comp time from summer hours and left. During this whole malady, my appetite has been ferocious, and I've fed my every whim. I wanted compensation for all the bad I was feeling. Food has always been a comfort, and this week has been no different. Can't totally change 45 years of programming, especially when faced with adversity.

I had time to kill between leaving work and my appt, and I had been starving throughout the workshop. I went to a place I seldom have opportunity to go and enjoyed a half reuben with a cup of potato soup and a black tea with honey and ginseng...and 2 frosted sugar cookies, my favorite!
Went to the appointment and felt a bit ridiculous reciting the list of symptoms I've encountered over the past week. It would have been more efficient to list the ones I have not experienced. Let's see...it started with congestion, followed by a raw sore throat, then I lost my voice entirely for 2 days, but felt good otherwise. After that, there were nosebleeds, drainage, tremendous headaches, uncontrollable shaking, chills, ear pressure, burning eyes followed by waking up with them glued shut. My thought was pink eye, but it wasn't. Then there was dizziness, inability to sleep several nights in a row, a tickle, a cough, and a few mornings with my mouth coated with slime. Today's tally was incredible fatigue, a pulled muscle in my lower back from coughing so hard, swollen eyes, tremendous headache with sharp shooting pains when I'd cough, more drainage, and my tongue has raw spots. Diagnosis: Fluid behind both ears, a severe sinus infection, dehydration, and a BP of, get this...180/110! I felt so rotten I started to cry. I've never had a bad blood pressure reading. The doctor assured me it is most likely due to the cocktail of OTC meds I've been taking, specifically anything with Sudafed. I'll be the first to admit, I took what was here to relieve whatever was dragging me down, and like I told her, some were 24 hour meds, some were 12 hour, some were 6-8, and others were every 4 hours...and by day 4, I didn't give a damn. I took what I thought would make it possible to get up and go to work. At night, I took what I thought would permit me to sleep. She sent me home with 3 Rx's, and one will knock me out for 4 hour naps. I took them when I got home and crawled in bed at 3. When I woke up, the light coming in the window was dim and I thought it was the sun coming up tomorrow, but then I panicked because my dogs were missing and I couldn't remember what I had done with them. That was just it; I hadn't done anything with them. They were still outside and hoping for supper. I'm to have my BP checked again in a week-10 days. The finest thing I've had to eat, which felt more like the ambrosia I've been foraging for day and night, was a cup of beefy noodle soup from Cracker Barrel tonight. Homemade noodles, and the broth was just right...chunks of roast beef that melted in my mouth. That's not all I had, oh no, but I'll spare the details. It wasn't pretty. It wasn't even terribly good aside from the soup, but I feel rotten and there's nobody here to take care of me at a time when I can't for the life of me do what is best for me. It's just not in me. It will be. I knew today that medicinal intervention was necessary so as not to spend another week pretending to feel good at work. I didn't want antibiotics, but they are necessary to beat this thing. Once beaten, I'll feel better and get control of everything else. For now, it is what it is...a blip on the screen.

Fall just tastes too good!

I lost 3 pounds this week. Not a great victory considering last weeks gain, but a loss nonetheless, and far better than the alternative. I suppose the loss would have been greater had we not celebrated with wild abandon last night. It was my husband's birthday. I took the day off, not so much because it was his birthday, but because I had the beginning signs of sinus/respiratory issues ahead, and not wanting to endure another day on the job feeling less than 100%, I decided to give myself an extra day of down time. Hopefully it will make for a better Monday. My in-laws came Thursday night with plans to leave Friday with us all going to work, but since I took off, I was able to convince them to stay an additional night. My mother-in-law and I visited a neat little consignment boutique I've admired for some time. I suppose I was waiting to see if it was a flash in the pan, or if it would make a go of it. It was really quite nice and the lady that runs it is plus sized too, so she understood the search for nice things. I left with a grocery bag piled high with really neat clothes. Several hundred dollars worth for only $70. Some were brand new with the tags still intact, and many were from Avenue and Coldwater Creek. Nothing looked like it had ever been worn. From there, we killed an hour in the fabric store. Then we hit Food Lion for dinner ingredients. It was sort of on the fly, because had my inlaws not stayed, we would have undoubtedly eaten out. My son had band obligations, so he couldn't join us. I decided to make nice salad with reduced fat bleu cheese and glazed pecans. The main course was spaghetti with arrabiatta sauce made from scratch. My husband LOVES spicy foods; this was a recipe I had never tried before, but it was very much enjoyed. We also had 5 cheese garlic bread and Chianti, and ended the meal with Black Forest Cheesecake. It was SO good! So yes, I suspect I tipped the scales a bit today after that.
Snoopy had a vet appt this morning for a limp he's had, and got his nails trimmed. We returned from that and went to put him out back with the other dog, Billy, and discovered they had acquired a new friend. A very handsome Jack Russell terrier. He was nice, clean and healthy; collar, NO TAG! I took his picture and made a flier to post around the neighborhood. I asked my neighbor if he had seen it before, and he said the owner was driving around earlier looking for him, that he lives 2 streets down, and was driving a black pickup. We canvassed the area, but couldn't find a black pickup. I suppose he's still looking for him. Rather than set him loose and hope he finds his own way home, possibly getting hit between here and there, I left fliers randomly up and down their road. Either they or their neighbor will know soon enough there's a found dog. In the meantime, we've pinned him in with ours in the small fence he can't escape. He had no desire to leave through the big fence he entered through, but I'd hate for someone to show up and the dog had decided to roam the area again and remain lost. He'll be safe and well cared for until his owner gets here.

Today was better than the last few...

I'm starting to feel like a human being again. There for a while, I wasn't so sure. I couldn't be certain I hadn't been pushed over the edge, contemplated the possibility that I may have indeed been losing my mind in ever so slow motion, or God forbid, it's the onslaught of mini-paws and the voracious mood swings I've heard so much about. All that said, today was good. I looked like a nice lady. I felt like a nice lady. I think I even acted like a nice lady. Last bell rang and I got the Hell out of Dodge. Left a stack of papers to grade whenever the Hell I get around to it. I ran my son home for food and took him to work for a short shift. While he was there I visited with friends and went to get my nails done. Always good for a bridge of time where I'm responsible for abso-freaking-lutely NOthing and I come out of it with beautiful chili pepper red nails. I was done in time to swing back around, retrieve kid, and head home for my own supper while same kid embarked on cleaning thorn-in-my-side room. Grilled porkchop with wasabi sauce on rosemary potato bread. Kroger, ok?! It's not like I thought it up myself, but it was good. Meanwhile, there was the thunderous roar of years of crap being thrown into a 33 gallon metal trash can for trash, additional finery being thrown into yet another 33 gallon rubbermaid for Goodwill, and at that point, screw recycling as there was no room in the inn for another container of any kind! In-laws called and they're nearby for a grandchild's birthday. They'll come here Thursday and spend the night to celebrate my husband's birthday. It frees me up for 7 months while we're the same age and I'm not referred to as a cradle robber. We'll see how good 45 is to him! It can't be all bad, he has me! Right? After this past week, the fact he hasn't packed his bags speaks volumes.

Must've been...

Yesterday was difficult at best, though I finished the day at 1538 calories and woke up this morning, down 3.5 pounds from yesterday. Old habits are hard to break, and I found myself constantly reaching for food for comfort and would have to regroup and find new direction. As a result, we have embarked upon rearranging all the furniture in the main part of the house, cleaning as we go, etc. It's looking much more user friendly. Five years in this house and we've been constantly trying to find the right mix of furniture and lighting for each area, always one extension cord short or lacking an end table. I feel such an internal battle. Old wounds. Waking up in a sweat, fearing my ex's next step will be to take me to court for a change in custody. It breaks my heart. Ex wanted no part of him when he was small and delicate. I was responsible for his care entirely and he was old enough at the time to still remember the night his Dad walked out on us and all that followed. Now he acts like he's the coolest thing since sliced bread, can't get enough of him, while my husband and I are being ridiculed. I don't get it, but I'm fighting the battle nonetheless and war rages internally, physical battle scars grow in number every day. I look in the mirror and wonder what happened. My school pictures arrived, taken a month ago, and I don't see myself in them. They were from before all this. Now I see bags under my eyes and dark circles and I don't really care what my hair looks like. My skin appears dull and the whites of my eyes aren't bright. Makeup can only do so much! As much as I dream of quitting my job, that's the one place now where I'm on my game and I find something I need in the faces of other peoples' kids. Everybody says this is a phase and everything will return to normal. I believe that. I really do. But it can't erase the fact that history was made last night with him going to his first big dance and he went to great effort to exclude me from this milestone. Maybe it was more an issue of timing than of the crime itself. Stress at work was at high tide when this cut loose. Maybe I'd have handled it differently if I'd have had any wind left in my sail that night, but from my perspective, he timed his performance, knowingly. I don't know. I'm just typing. Trying to get it out of me so I can move past it. He's due home today and the plan was to work together cleaning his room, boxing old clothes for Goodwill and putting things in recycling. We also purchased a shelving unit for in his closet to give him storage space...once we can get TO the closet! I know I feel better when there's order to my surroundings.

Crap

No other way to put it. Huge gain this week. Icing on the crappy week cake. Four and one half pounds. Stress level and bad choices run hand in hand for me and this has been a week to end all weeks. Stress at work is status quo, but add to that unforeseen Hell on the homefront, and everything went down from there. Anyone who knows me, knows my son has come first in my life for all of 16 years. This week I felt betrayal like I've not known for years, since the ex got caught grazing in greener pastures. My son's attitude has been on a steady decline of late, most of which we attribute to being 16, but this week there were words and actions that still today are too painful to recount. They came as a slap in the face. Now everything I believed in firmly is on thin ice. Ex is using the situation to poke old wounds with a stick. My own husband has been sick for several days and hasn't had the energy to stand in battle with me. I'm tired, I'm grouchy, I'm anxious, and hurt. I went one night without sleep when everything came to a head. Cried for hours questioning where I had gone wrong. Went to work the following day looking like road kill. My son is going to Homecoming tonight, wearing the first suit he's ever owned. I'm not privvy to the festivities, and won't see him in his suit. That's the way he wants it. It hurts more than words can say. He has a date, but presumably they're going as friends. I know of her. I had to hear all the details from co-workers who had heard through friends of friends, who only made mention on the assumption I already knew. I don't like hearing about my son's life through third parties. I like his rationale for it even less. So now, I think more out of humiliation for having been found out, he's running to his Dad to avoid us. He's avoiding everything about us. My ex is in his glory and taking opportunity to score points with my son...buy him, if you will. Meanwhile, son is accomplishing his goal of navigating around his responsibilities around this household and the expectations we have of him as a member of this family...simple things like cleaning his room, changing his sheets, etc. It's been a week full of hurt and healing, though still more hurt than healing at this point. I'm sad and disappointed, but today's scale reading took me back to a place I swore I'd never go, so there's nothing to do but focus on the things I can control and hope for the best where all else is concerned.

10.10.10

Seems odd to say 10.10.10 and add that we'll never be able to say THAT again, yet isn't that the case with every date? Nothing much special about today. Yesterday was a different story. We went to NC for a weeding....ok, that was a typo, but it humored me, so I left it. We went to a w-e-d-d-i-n-g. It was different. My husband's cousin was married to a great guy. The cousin - a non-smoking, vegetarian, runner with zero body fat - surprised us all and died of lung cancer about 2 years ago I believe it was. The husband found new love, and so yesterday they combined their 2 established families into one with 5 children. The bride wore a fabulous strapless ivory gown with lots of sparkle and swoosh. The groom wore khakis and a dress shirt with no tie...and he was barefooted. She may have been too, but you couldn't tell. Her 3 daughters were her attendants, and his son and daughter escorted him to the altar/tree under which they wed. Everyone was to bring their own chair...we missed that part of the poem on their e-mailed invitation. An Episcopal priest (proper terminology/spelling?)officiated. Pretty cool overall to witness a new start. They married in the back yard of the home he purchased after his first wife died, which is actually a very old farm house. Tables were decorated with quart jars of yard flowers - zennias, sunflowers, dahlias, assorted grasses and allergens. There was pulled pork bbq and all the sides before wedding cake. Just a nice day. We drove down yesterday morning, got there with 5 minutes to spare, spent a few hours with family, then headed to the Best Western. No way we wanted to make THAT drive through THAT traffic twice in one day. I used my new camera and took some amazing shots of the bride and groom with every intention of doing a portrait for them. The first wife was our photographer at our wedding and our wedding album full of pictures was their gift to us. I also took several shots of the dahlias...OMG!!! I love this new camera!!! We went to the Walmart across from the Best Western and made prints last night. These will DEFINITELY end up on the drawing table! Oh...and there's new life in that near dead part of my life. After a local framer sold me an over-priced piece of custom shit they called a frame that fell apart before it made it to the International Colored Pencil Exhibition in Los Gatos, CA this year and misrepresented me and my work, I have formed a relationship with another local framer. Super nice! Original Frameworks in Blacksburg, VA. Prices were comparable, and this one person does everything; nobody to blame but herself if something isn't right. She asked where I show my work, and I told her the sad truth, that 3 of my last retail outlets had folded due to the economy and I no longer have a place to sell, and that all my work is in my van. She offered to hang some of my smaller pieces to see how they do. On the way there, I stopped by a friend's furniture store when I saw his mother outside. I went through some tough times with this family, and the Mom lives in Florida. I stopped by and she wanted to see my work and was very interested. She wants to see my pumpkins when I get them back from Original Frameworks later this week. So that all made me feel good....until I went to get back in myvan and my friend inquired as to whether the puddle under my van was FROM my van. Upon inspection, my coolant reservoir was entirely empty. Anyone who knows me knows things like this totally freak me out and fill me with anxiety. Was I going to get home? Was it a costly repair? Did I have my cell phone in case I broke down? Could I remember anyone's number if I didn't? We filled it up with water and it has yet to leak since. Husband thinks there may have been a clog that blew out of the line from having not run the AC in some time, and I did have it on that afternoon, so who knows? Anywho...that's been my week/end in a nutshell. I DID weigh before I left town Saturday, and I did lose 1/2 pound. Not a great loss, but a loss nonetheless, and I'm having all indications that I'll be cursed this week, sooner than later, and there's always a gain associated with that, so to have shown any loss at all feels promising. Off to tidy stuff for work tomorrow. Have a great week everyone!

Note to Self...

Do not eat pizza and chinese food the night before weigh day. Ask me how I know...

My in-laws were here when I got home from work Friday night. I love them dearly and look forward to their visits. They always stay several nights, and this visit in particular had festive flair as it was my mom-in-law's birthday. I like that we do nice things for her and treat her special. It sucks for anyone when birthdays get pushed to the side. At work, we had what we decided to call First Fridays, where, because it's pay day for faculty and staff, we order Chinese delivery. I thought I made an ok choice...Pepper Steak with Onions, and it was quite literally 1/3 + 1/3 + 1/3...I thought there'd be more meat, but it was BIG on veggies, and came with the cutest little 1 cup size chinese food delivery box of rice. Not bad. The restaurant was so thrilled to get our huge order, they threw in fried sugar biscuits and sodas for free! You see where this is going. Hadn't had a real soda in 25 years, but I had a Pepsi o Friday, and 2 sugar biscuits, and my entree, and 2 spring rolls. I chalked it up to preventitive medicine since I KNEW we were eating out Friday night for mom-in-law's birthday: I knew I had had my woo-hoo big food, and would use that to make good judgement at whatever restaurant she picked. She decided she wanted pizza, and because we were ordering 1 pizza to please everyone, it was Italian Sausage, Black Olive, and Jalapeno...and it was Pizza Hut. The 4 of us took out the whole thing, though I pride myself on being the first to call it quits, partially due to a disproportionate number of jalapenos on my side. Saturday we went many places. Of course, I weighed, and saw the unpleasing results. I was up 3 pounds, so there went my victory from last week and the gain I thought I deserved then. In hopeful dispair, I weighed again Sunday and it wasn't any better. I haven't weighed since. Still licking my wounds. We had a restricted diet breakfast (3 out of 4 people at the table battle something)before hitting the town. Later in the day we decided to have lunch at Cabo Fish Taco...one of our favorite "clean" places to eat. Nothing is greasy or saucey. I had an herbed chicken and avocado wrap. It was divine. We then took in a wine tasting. Supper was chili with no added salt aside from what comes in canned kidney beans, pinto beans, and black beans, though I drained and rinsed them. We used canned No Salt Added tomatoes, fresh jalapenos, onions, green pepper, and frozen corn. The meat was 1/3 Hot Italian Sausage and 2/3 ground turkey breast. There's not a trace of fat on the surface and certainly none added. We made beer bread with chipotle peppers for the side. For the birthday dessert, we made "Truffle Bites"...a semi-sweet choclate and whole cream mixture in mini muffin sized tarts lined with store bought (my first!) pie crust, topped with Light (like it mattered at this point) Redi-Whip. We each had 3...let me say again...they were mini's, and we had a whole lot more...but we didn't eat them. Sunday, we had grits and a baked chicken habanero sausage with orange juice for "brunch". We left here, drove to West Virginia and toured Tamarrack. Late lunch/early dinner was there, where chefs from The Greenbrier prepare the daily specials. I had horseradish encrusted salmon, green beans and roasted potatoes, and as I always do when I go there (1-2 times a year) I had bread pudding for dessert. Beyond that, the meal that followed amounted to a cup of chili and a truffle or 2...lots of wine. There's always lots of wine when my mother-in-law comes. They left today, but it was after all of us had gone to work/school, so we didn't even see them this morning. She left a nice note that she had a wonderful birthday. It was a nice off-the-beaten course weekend. I still got laundry done. I still got the bedroom vaccuumed. The only grocery shopping I did was for birthday food, so we're lacking a bit there, but we still have chili. I wish I had taken today off, just to recuperate. We have company so seldom, and I love it when they come, but my brain never got to just wander and go blank...no down time. I felt hostile today, very edgy with the kids. Clearly a bad mood, but WHY?! I had a great weekend! I had plans for the day. Lunches were packed before I went to bed. I was wearing a Halloween vest and metallic pumpkin earring for God's sake, how could I be cranky? I went to bed at a decent hour. Has food become a toxin? Could I be experiencing detox? I'm not upset about the weight gain. As I mentioned last week, my loss last week was a gift. I haven't found a good balance between work, stress and food. I'm floundering about, waiting for dust to settle. Nothing is clear to me when my life gets so hectic. I needed the detour of family and fun this weekend. There's already talk of Thanksgiving and Christmas. I've agreed to host Thanksgiving, but only by new rules. Of all that attend, I am the only female who works fulltime outside the home. I'm also the only female in the kitchen. And it's supposed to be my "break" from work. My family has dwindled to nothing, so it's basically me doing it all for my husband's family, who will, indeed, come out of the woodwork from across 2 states to attend, not just on Thursday, but Friday as well. I have confessed to my husband and my mother-in-law that things MUST be different this year. I will make turkey. I will make green beans. I will make mashed potatoes. I will not make anything else. Everyone who attends will have to prepare and bring something. Will I taste it? Perhaps. But the idea is, I will only be left with turkey and green bean leftovers. There are NEVER leftover mashed potatoes...genetic fluke. Whatever comes in goes home with its creator. Fair?

Not so bad...!

Much to my surprise and delight, I show a loss this week. A pound and a half when all was said and done. I'm not sure how it happens. I know why I was up last week, but did nothing this week that would entertain loss other than work myself into a state of stupidity. I brought a bag of work home with me for the weekend. I've entered the zone of feeling constantly behind and unprepared. My mind races with ideas as to how to reach the ever increasing needs of my students individually. When I started, I had 12 students. Now I have 23. It makes me tired and irritable, and there's little left at the end of a day to give my family. My body is rebelling. I hurt and ache. Breakfast is so rushed there's no time or coffee left to swish down the handful of vitamins and assorted supplements I found beneficial over the summer. I need a better system. Since it's gotten cooler, the morning air is crisp and I spend and extra half hour under the covers mentally preparing for my day, from what I'll wear, to what I'll eat, to what I need to make copies of as soon as I get to school, and all the home things I need to take with me for use in the classroom. Leaves are starting to fall and I just want time to stand still so I can enjoy it, but next thing you know, there won't be leaves or color in sight. I did take time out this week to cross a boundary and do something good for someone and it has given me a heightened sense of good in the world. Without going into detail, there's a family who has historically been difficult to deal with at best. I have been afraid at times. They suffered loss this week. I made them dinner, but was afraid to deliver it myself. One of my male superiors was generous and kind enough to make the delivery for me. One of the children extended himself beyond his comfort zone to greet me as I arrived to work, smile big, comment on my kindness and thank me. It was a moment I'll never forget. I showed him I cared, and he let me in. The father expressed gratitude to my superior as well. It's an inch closer to a working relationship than has ever been had before.

We had a late breakfast today at iHOP. I was feeling tremendous pride in my pound and a half victory, so I was especially careful in my choices. Funny how things like that can be positive or negative. Had I gained, I surely would have said "to Hell with it" another day and had the Bojangles fried steak biscuit with a side of tater rounds my husband originally suggested, or I'd have given great thought as to where I might get the absolute BEST sausage gravy and biscuits. Instead, I suggested iHOP and targeted their "For Me" menu where egg substitute is used and Hollandaise sauce doesn't appear. I had a spinach, mushroom, and onion omelet with a side of fresh fruit and a slice of wheat toast. My only frival was the 2 little things of creamer. I've not had creamer in months, probably won't again for sometime, but I enjoyed 2 cups of dressed up coffee today, still with Splenda. After that, we looked at yet another hot tub store, getting closer to making the purchase. I think we'll enjoy it immensely since there's little that we go out and DO throughout the week. In anticipation, I ordered a sign from a catalog this week. It says "No floozies in the jacuzzi ~ until after 9pm". After that, we hit the local consignment store we visited last weekend in search of a bathroom vanity/dressing table. They had several, but what came closer to what we had in mind was a "ladies desk". It's cherry, as is our sink vanity, and aside from a few very small blemishes,it's a beautiful piece of furniture. We got it and a nice woven stool to go with it. We went to Tuesday Morning next door and bought a nice lighted makeup mirror and a hinged box to store all the things that go in to making me presentable to the outside world. A smaller piece of furniture would be ideal, but we both agreed if we find one in the future, this desk would look nice anywhere in the house for use AS a desk, so we went ahead and got it before someone else snatched it up. Fortunately since we spotted it last weekend, the store had been closed for 5 days for vacation and only reopened today or it would not have still been there for sure.

Off to grocery shop...that always goes better and cheaper too when there's loss at the scales. I make better choices. Hopefully I'll blog again before next Saturday. It really does help me stay on the wagon. Have a good week! Let's all be losers!

Shucks

I had no intention of this becoming a weekly thing. I was doing so much better when it was daily. This has been an exceptionally rough work week with very high highs and very low lows. Food has been crazy at best. I tend to put the needs of my students ahead of my own, and with so MANY this year, I'm pretty low on the totem pole. I haven't taken a vitamin or joint soother all week and my parts are feeling it. I went in at 7am and left at 6pm. I crave the routine and discipline I had this summer and wonder if I'll ever lose another pound. God forbid I gain back what I've lost. I'm on a precarious spot, still close to the river I waited so long to cross; I dare not gain myself so close to the water's edge. I don't anticipate good news at the scale tomorrow and I have only myself to blame. It's been a week of Pizza Hut pizza and sweet Lebanon bologna sandwiches on white bread with real mayo. I've had my water, but in the form of hot green tea. Despite that, I wore a straight skirt today I've not managed to wear in probably 8 years. I felt pretty...maybe even sexy. Did I say THAT??? Oh my!

My husband bought me my own digital camera this week. It was supposed to be a Christmas present, but when I mentioned I'd like to look at one last weekend, he had to spill the beans and tell me there was one on the way. I can use it for work, but also for my own crazy shots of plated meals. That helped me do better this past summer...sort of a visual journal. I had been filling my husband's camera with pictures of my meals and manicures...he thought it a bit weird and decided it was time for me to have my own technology. .I know this slump is temporary, but I felt so alive when I was doing it right. Now I'm saturated with the needs of students with disabilities, 23 students in all, and I'm overwhelmed. Some nights I only sleep 5-6 hours, but I require 8-10 to maintain ANY sense of humor at all. This is my next 8 months, so I best make peace with the challenges before they kill me. We'll see what tomorrow brings and hope for the best, right?! I'm happy to see my blogger friend "Sib" has signed on. :) Lift me up ladies!!! I'm floundering!!!

Oh well

Posting from my new iPad! :) Today showed a gain. Not a big surprise. The curse came early with a vengeance. I literally sat at my desk yesterday and unwrapped Hershey kisses, lined them up, and ate them by the handful just because I could. I ate out last night to celebrate my brother-in-law's birthday. After much debate we ended up at a Chinese restaurant. I ordered a grilled sirloin with baked potato and Chinese veggies. it was divine. My gain was all of 2.5 pounds and I'm totally ok with that given the crazy wild

Totally Baffled

I couldn't help myself. After yesterday's surprise loss I had to step on the scale this morning to see if my eyes had deceived me. I'm down another 1/2 pound! Scales haven't really moved much in the weeks I've been back to work. I've written about that and recorded my ponderings. I knew I was inching back to where I needed to be as far as accountability, but I didn't think I was there yet. So was my "there", the place I thought I needed to be, just a little off plumb? Maybe this, my here and now, is it. I'm at a loss for words. I picture myself doing a tightrope walk on fishing line. That's how precarious my consumptions have been. Can I continue to live this way? I mean, is it really that simple? I have not eaten anything I did not carefully consider first. I haven't grazed. I've stopped eating before feeling FULL, so I've learned at what point satisfaction comes without needing to be FULL. Have I learned my lesson, cut and dry, in the previous weeks of seeing what a reasonable portion looks like, knowing I can eat from smaller plates and bowls and still be full? Is that all it took? I know after I weighed this morning, I felt very noble taking my cute, ubber small pottery bowl that matches my niece's from the cabinet, and though it was nearly 11:00am before I was having my first morsel of food, I was firm in my decision to have the little bowl of Fruit and Yogurt Special K and a splash of skim milk. Have a found Mecca? The place where I personally can live and breathe and not weigh every morsel, pare down a pork chop to give me no more and no less than 3 exact ounces; a place where it's ok if "28 grams" is in reality 24 or 32? Or is it all because I've been sick? My husband thinks a body burns more calories fighting infection. I'm still not well. My sinuses are goopey and there's still some chest congestion, but overall I'm ok. I haven't pushed water for over a week. I'm not dehydrated. My beverage of choice has been hot decaf tea with Splenda. Water here and there without measure. Wine, for sure. Coffee, but I've come to a place where I can no longer graze a full pot all day; 2 mugs is my max, and I never ever consume it at work anymore. I'll brew a mug of morning tea there, and otherwise sip water throughout the day from the same mug, maybe one or 2 mugs worth. I just don't know. Yesterday's breakfast was a skinny slab of polenta, a scrambled agg, and 1.5 strips of thick cut bacon. Lunch was left over Lo Mein from the night before; what I didn't eat for supper. Supper last night was "a pork chop" and a side of roasted red potatoes and green bean steamers. Snack had been Spinach dip and chips.

A Rough Week Punctuated with Good News!

I've been a sick puppy this week. It all started last weekend with a sore throat and ran its course through the week to include head and chest congestion. Tuesday was the worst, but coming home and going straight to bed for 12 hours seemed to turn things around. I didn't bother writing down a single morsel of food, and there were MANY! Sick foods are different from well foods. My diet has included canned soups, an entire bag of Fritoes for the throat itch and saltiness to heal the wounds, water only in the form of hot tea, little fruit, fewer veggies, lots of pudding and yogurt, and several single serve portions of macaroni and cheese. Wine was particularly good for washing down my daily ClaritinD and inducing sleep. I wasn't expecting good news at the scale. I even weighed twice, in disbelief. I lost 3.5 pounds this week! That lands me squarely on MINUS THIRTY POUNDS! It feels surreal to see it, to say it, to type it...Thirty doesn't "feel" like I thought it would. I know I'm wearing non-stretch pants loosely now that I was totally unable to wear at all last year, and had put away the previous year when the legs would "catch" on my calves and ride up...that, and there was noteable stress on the zipper that isn't there now. I still jiggle, I'm still not proportional, I still can't play the piano...but I do see change. Sadly, it's only visible to me and the cats in front of the bathroom mirror. I see dips and curves emerging where there used to be more "plumpness". Skin is relaxed and not stretched. My bras have put out their vacancy sign. So it's happening. Ideally, I guess I had hoped the 30 pounds would exclusively target my rump and ham sized thighs, but I know in time they too will melt away. I know that's "negative talk", but my butt and thighs have made me feel bad about myself forever, so I have no intention to befriend them now.

SUNday!

I'm seeing the light. Yesterday was a conscious effort to reel myself back in to what I know is right. We slept late, and missed "breakfast" time. Too early for "lunch", so we dilly dallied some more before leaving the house to run errands. Hubby wanted to eat out, have "brunch", but by the time we got our poop in a scoop, it was clearly lunchtime. He suggested Denny's. One, the service is ridiculously slow; we'd have to call it "lupper". Then he suggested iHop. I can do iHop...I already know where to look on their menu. Only everybody else had the same idea and the line was out the door. We decided to try our favorite Mexican restaurant in their new location. Immediately we were served chips, salsa, and this WONDERFUL creamy white sauce they have. I don't care for their salsa, but could wallow in the white sauce. I waited until I picked my entree before indulging....see, I was thinking! I picked the Azteca Salad and ordered it without dressing. It had grilled chicken, steak and shrimp on a bed of salad veggies, and just the slightest sprinkling of grated cheese. I was HAPPY! The meat was seasoned just enough that dressing wasn't necessary, and because it didn't have the usual taco shell bowl, I felt no guilt whatsoever in grazing on chips and white sauce while waiting for the meal to arrive. Normally, I could polish off the little bowl of sauce by myself and sit there hoping they'd offer to bring more. I made the choice to lay the chip on the surface of the dip rather than DIP the chip. I got the same flavor, and used maybe 1/3 of the dip, leaving most of the bowl behind. Of course, then I get home and have no idea how many calories to put down in my little book, and there was dinner to be had at some point. My husband and I put our heads together and decided to allot 600 calories for what I consumed. It may have been more or less, but should have been sufficient. Hubby's meal was way bigger, so when supper time arrived, I was hungry and he wasn't so much. We decided on a cold supper on the deck with wine. We had smoked salmon, red onion, and light cream cheese on olive oil and sea salt flatbread crackers, with a side of fresh pineapple and cantloupe. Wine and all, we rang that up at 598 calories. Bedtime was a cup of chocolate Silk soy milk and a serving of Reduced Fat Nilla Wafers.

Breakfast today was "brunch". I did peppers, onions, mushrooms and ham in a skillet with Pam, then took 2 eggs and 1/2 cup of whites and scrambled them alone. I microwaved 3 slices of thick cut bacon. I made breakfast for the 3 of us wrapping 1/3 of everything in a full lavash sheet with 3/4 oz American Cheese on the bottom so it would melt s I constructed and folded them into pocket sandwiches. One pocket and a cup of reduced sugar OJ came out right on 400 calories. It was delish! Tonight might be spaghetti...the turkey manwich was so good the other night, I'm thinking it would make a phenominal sauce for spaghetti made by the Manwich directions and added to canned spaghetti sauce...jus' thinking... But it's SO gorgeous out, it might be nice to grill out and stay on the deck til after dark with a fire in the chiminea. Summer is almost all used up...

OH!!! What I forgot to mention was, the half pound I was up yesterday and ANOTHER half pound were gone today! I NEED to weigh myself every day JUST to see how foods affect me sodium-wise, and the Azteca had me a little worried, so I was happy to see no damage done for having had a meal I literally was not prepared for...I was still thinking "Light Side Whole Wheat Pecan Pancakes with Egg Substitute and Sliced Bananas" when confronted with going South of the Border! Ole!

A Close One...

Today was weigh day. No surprise, I'm up 1/2 pound. No tears...I've admittedly been sloppy in my record keeping this week and made conscious decisions to not write everything down. This week was better than last in the food arena, so I think my little gain is in response to previous sins. Last week, when I was bad, I was bad with bad food. This week, if I was bad, I overindulged in good food. Mentally, I see myself reeling myself back in to what I need to do, I'm just not there yet. I have one more major work hurdle to cross and then I'm smoothe sailing in open waters. This coming Wednesday night is our Back-to-School night where parents come and go through their child's schedule, meeting for each class, seeing the classrooms, learning about what the kids have been doing, fiddling with lockers, and making it to the next class in time on the bell. It's kind of fun, but historically my kids' parents don't attend. I'm like the Maytag repairman, ready and waiting. Two or 3 might come out of 23. Last year, 2 out of 19 came. I always try and offer incentive and bake cookies, serve cider, etc in hopes of engaging interest; believe it or not, having 2 attend is an increase. So on top of getting up at 5am, working from 7:30am, I'll be on the clock for little or nothing until 8:30pm. I come home in a coma and have to get up at 5am to do it all again the next day. Once that comes and goes, every day will be pretty much routine until Thanksgiving, when I'd like to have 15 more pounds gone. Seems like wishful thinking at this rate of loss, but I know it's ultimately my choices and I have to do better, and I obviously know I can. I've chosen not to these past few weeks, but I'm closer to right than wrong at this stage of the game.

Today is gorgeous here. A steady breeze from the impending hurricane system. The breeze is likely all we'll see. I'll get my nails done at some point today or tomorrow, and bake cookies for Wednesday. Otherwise, no plans, just a good book on standby, and that's enough for me. Off to prepare a brunch of sorts.

Is It Friday Yet?

I'm loving my new work schedule. It's like having an extra planning period every day, and it gives me what time I need to physically leave work at work at the end of the day. I still bring home mental baggage, but there's no getting around that. Papers are graded and grades are entered into the computer for parents to view the very same day work was completed. I've never been THAT on-the-ball. My lesson plans are made for the next 2 weeks. That makes me feel good.

Food was good today. My fridge at work seems to be freezing 75% of the contents. Not sure what that's about, but it will have some impact on how I do lunches next week. I have liked very much taking "groceries" in on Monday and having food on hand for the week rather than packing mine and hubby's lunch nightly. With him having been gone, and now he's taking vacation days, I'm off the lunch packing detail until Tuesday, so perhaps I can figure something out by then. I like very much the Buddig brand packaged meats for lunch. 90 calories for the whole pack....easy cheesy. Then I also found Laughing Cow soft cheese wedges in Chipotle flavor....oh...need I say how much I DO love those! I use them in place of a condiment and it satisfies not only my love of cheese, but also gives and ooey-gooey mayo-esque faux condiment indulgence for a mere 35 yummy calories! I felt like a cow eating 2oz of brocolli slaw in my pita wraps, so I'll have to find a veggie substitution. It didn't help that THAT was the first item to freeze. 2 oz of brocolli slaw is, well, a LOT. I don't recommend it.

I'm enjoying, let me say that in caps...I'M ENJOYING a glass of Georgia On My Mind peach wine right now...a souvenir from our Chattanooga trip and an excursion to Georgia Winery. Hubby is out mowing. Dinner is likely to be white pizza with mushrooms and spinach and a side salad. I have 600 calories left for the day. I'm not hungry. That's what I like about doing "it" right. It's when I'm off track that I get squirrely and feel like a bottomless pit.

I bought 2 books last night. What in the Hell does that have to do with ANYthing, you ask? Well, this time of year, as the weather gets cool, I crave things. I crave bad things. Least of all evils is popcorn. I keep all varieties of popcorn on hand for "moments"...but I crave spices....cinnamon, ginger, cloves, brown sugar and stuff that Fall is made of. Hubby and I have made ritual of making a pot, a REAL teapot of tea, and we retire to the bedroom with it at night and polish it off over tv or movies. It somewhat squelches the cravings, but I often want zucchini bread, banana bread, ginger rolls, etc. Hard to fight those seasonal wants; even more difficult to categorize them as wants and not needs. But this runs parallel to my enjoyment found in reading. A good book will take my mind off food, and I can read until my eyelids are heavy. It buys me Grace. So last night I bought The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, and the second one in the series. I was delighted to see that the price in paperbacks has come WAY down with the rise in popularity of techno-books. I like real books. Odd, because I didn't enjoy reading at all until 40 was past tense. I don't know what happened. I never liked reading as a child, and damned near refused to do it at all in high school. I could count on 1 hand the number of books I read in high school, and of all the book reports I did, most were done by reading the book jacket. I remember in one instance, my Mom read the book FOR me the night before the report was due and helped me get through the dreaded book report. It was on Harry Houdini. It wasn't the first time Mom bailed me out, and certainly not the last. Reading just wasn't my thing, and she was ok with that. Wine makes me get off track. So I bought the first 2 books in the series. The third was there, but not available in paperback yet. I figured reading the first one was a committment to read them all, so I went the low road and committed to paperback rather than waiting in line for the few copies at the library. Number 3 will have to wait, and chances are good it'll be in paperback before I'm done with these 2. This being part of my lifestyle change strategy too...it gets my mind off things and makes me sleepy. Can't eat while I sleep, so there you go.

Whew!

This week is flying by, but in a good way. I say that, but food hasn't been terrific. I've been careful, but I haven't been precise. Yesterday, I wasn't even careful at supper. With hubby out of town, my son and I ate out. Normally I make better choices, but last night I WANTED a grilled steak sandwich with grilled portabellas and onions. It had mayo and some sort of cheese on a roll. It was wonderful! I had red potato salad with it instead of chips, not that that's a better choice, but it was a choice nonetheless. Then we polished off the evening with a soft serve frozen custard from our local place EVERYbody has gone for decades. This was my first time there in probably 4 years. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed alone time with my kid. I enjoyed that my kid made all the suggestions; translation: he was ok with spending time with me at the ripe old age of 16. My breakfast and lunch all week has been pre-measured, weighed and calculated with the exception of the fact that SOME of my broccoli slaw for putting in a wrap froze solid in my little classroom fridge. One of my V-8's was semi-frozen like soft serve. Yuck!!!! I wasn't woman enough partake of a V8 smoothie. Today I'm totally back on track. Hubby got home from his business trip around midnight last night, so my life has returned to normal. I've slacked on water. I'm a creature of habit and when my routine goes to Hell, I fall apart. I knew there'd be a period of transition, and soon it will all fall in place. I've let dirty dishes stack up since in-laws were here Sunday; no motivation to deal with unloading and reloading a dishwasher. I dealt with it as soon as I got home today, kitchen is cleaned, and dishes are washing. Supper will be Manwich made with turkey and oven fries with a side salad. I feel better when I do the right thing, it's just sometimes I have no juice left in me and I manage by dealing with only the very highest priorities. Sometimes, some stuff just doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

Sunday

My in-laws just left a little while ago. They stopped by and we had a nice lunch. I had all the makings for meat and cheese sandwiches, reduced fat chips, a variety of fresh fruit already cut up, and there are still leftover birthday cupcakes. I did myself a favor and put them in a 9x13 pan with a cover and have kept them in the garage refridgerator...out of sight, out of mind. It was fun because we got to use my cool fish plates and bowls. I've jumped through hoops before to cook all day and have what I thought they'd enjoy, but this was nice and relaxed and next to effortless, and they seemed to enjoy it as much as meals I've busted a hump to prepare. They have no problem drinking wine at 11am, but I declined. I also declined the cupcake and the "slaw" to dip my weighed out portion of chips. "Slaw" is a NC thing. To me, it's like 1000 Island dressing with sweet relish stirred in. I like it ok, but it's something like 70 cal/2T, and for that, I far more enjoy 14g of real mayo on an awesome sandwich. I should have taken a picture, and even considered it, but they didn't ask too many questions when I built my sandwich on the digital scales, so I wasn't going to put myself out there. They didn't seem to notice any weight loss, or if they did, they didn't say, but I'm not sure they'd say if they HAD noticed. They love me regardless, so much so, I'm comfortable around them without makeup, though I do "do" my hair a little, moisturize, and add a little lipstick. I'm a little un-nerved right now because I learned during their visit that my sister-in-law has decided my marriage is in trouble, and that according to her my husband acts differently than he did before he married me, and that he's unhappy and I'm the reason. My mother-in-law takes everything this person says with a grain of salt, and they have a long history of clashing personalities. I know she chose to share this with me because she knew she could, and by doing so, I know she knows the accusations could not be farther from the truth. If she suspected anything was wrong, she would have never said anything. It hurts though. It hurts to think someone is out there saying my husband was happier before he met me.
Ok...that's out of me now, so I can move on. You have to see my cookies! I am so proud of these. I just want to quit my day job and make outrageous cookies!! I was up til 1am painting each one by hand, but it was SO fun and rewarding. It stroked the creative side of me that doesn't get out much. By 1:00, my glazes were thickening and I was way past tired, so the last 5 leaves got painted solid red, and those were the ones my son and in-laws were allowed to eat; those and the one painted one that the stem fell off. The apples are hand cut, as I don't have an apple shaped cookie cutter. It entertained the side of me that used to LOVE to dye Easter eggs. Let's just say, I was really tired when I finally went to bed.

Weigh-Day!

Good news! I am not a casualty of war this week. It's been a hard one across the board, just re-adjusting to routine that's dictated more by student needs than my own. Mine seem pretty low on the totem at this stage of adjustment. I am down ONE POUND from last Saturday, putting me at -27 for the year and down 4 1/2 for the month of August. Clean slate. New month. I'm going to lower my expectations and shoot for 5 pounds a month, and then wallow in the glory if I can exceed that goal. I need something to wallow in and it need not be doom, gloom and self-pity. These four weeks have been turbulent, so a 4.5 loss is still a victory. My tendency is to ride a downward spiral into a black abyss when things don't go my way. It's a learned behavior that needs modification. I learned it over a course of 45 years and it had reinforcements; I have steadily gained awareness over the past 23, but have only been working on change for 6 weeks. I should also mention while pulling up my boot straps, of the 27 pounds gone since December, 15 of them have been in response to conscious efforts in the aforementioned 6 weeks. No shame there! This month was good testament to the shift that's taking place. I didn't go deep into the abyss, but felt the suction and spent a lot of energy to breathe through my nose and not succumb to the forces that seemingly were against me, both real and imagined. I'm getting better at differentiating and setting boundaries...perimeters, as I like to say.

Today I'm doing something fun in addition to the usual laundry and de-dog-hairing my house. We have a new Superintendent and Assistant Superintendent starting Wednesday. We, as a faculty and staff, are putting together gift baskets for each, kind of a collection of our personal talents outside of teaching. A little giving of ourselves as a down home welcome. I'm making some cookies. Not just ANY cookie! These are way cool! They are a work of art! I'll post pictures tomorrow night. It's a process...make dough, chill dough, roll dough, cut dough, bake dough, cool cookies, PAINT cookies, dry cookies, dry cookies some more, attempt to stack cookies, find that cookies need to dry more...I'm excited about it. I haven't done anything outside-the-box in a while. It's fun when you get to reveal hidden talents and have people see you in a different light.

Tomorrow my in-laws are popping in for a visit. They've been in the area to help my sister-in-law out; she's having a health crisis and has 2 children with disabilities to care for by day while brother-in-law works. Nice that they're coming, you know, since it's just me here. Son might be here depending on when they come. He's in the woods today. Tomorrow he wants some down time to swim "off the clock" with friends. We both need a little time off the clock this weekend. Off to begin mine! :)

TGiF

One week down. How many to go??? Let's see....180 days,5 days in a school week, so 36, one down, 35 to go...

It wasn't a terrible week. Food was pretty ok most days, but there were several times I ate things and was unable to be totally accurate in knowing what I had or had not eaten, and that's all it takes to make me feel defeated some days. And then, it basically boils down to all my energy going in to work, so I come home a little more exhausted each day of the week. By last night, I was so beat driving home, I was afraid I'd cause an accident. I've never been tired to the point of having nausea, but last night, supper was a mere 200 calories, I still had almost 500 left after that, but by 7:30pm, I was in bed asleep. I've never been so spent. I slept until the alarm went off at 5am. I'm not as tired tonight, but last night was following 2 nights of very little sleep. Emotionally, it's been frustrating because when I sneak a peek at the scales, my weight isn't going down, and it's because of the gray area this week and losing the precision. When I wasn't working, I was nailing food and exercise, never hungry, and experienced "balance" like I've not known in so long. I've had moments of real grief this week because I'm struggling to maintain what I worked so hard to put in to motion. What was starting to seem easy and spontaneous has become rigorous this week. I've got nothing left at the end of my days for exercise. Most nights, I struggle to process my options for dinner. Some days I didn't get my water in. I have the past 2 days. Breakfast one morning was a breakfast cookie with the calories printed on the label JUST so I could dodge having to weigh food, calculate calories, and write everything down, itemized. I enjoyed that month of summer where my freedom allowed me the necessary time to do the right thing, but now it's stressing me out and I feel like my success is dangling by a thread. Once this week, when I peeked at the scales, I was on the wrong side of the river!!! I was back where I was supposed to be this morning, but I don't foresee loss at the scales tomorrow. I'll be surprised if there's even a fraction of a pound gone, and that's with last week's little gain too. I've lost the rhythm things had. I'm not giving up; just venting. Tonight I had roughly 800+ calories left going in to supper. My son had to be back to school for band at 5 to travel to an away game, so there was no point in driving 20 miles home only to turn around and go back. Plus, husband left for Mississippi with work today and will be gone a week, so (i don't cook...) ;) Still, son needed supper, so we went Mexican. I ordered with care. I had a grilled vegetable quesadilla that had lettuce, guacamole, and sour cream on the side, and also rice. We nibbled on salsa and chips beforehand, and I drank water putting me over 64oz today. What I had could NOT have exceeded 800+ calories, so I hope I'm good with that. Maybe the scales will surprise me. We'll see...

On the Fence

Yesterday and today have been challenging. I haven't blown it, but somewhere within each day I've had caloric challenges where I didn't prepare the food and have no idea what it's worth and eat it anyway. My son's birthday was yesterday, but he had band practice last night from 6-8 so that threw out any plans to celebrate as a family. Still, I'm the Mom and I want his day to be special in some way even though he suggested we could just do something tonight instead. I decided to take him to Macados after work, but before band, just the 2 of us. In fact, we were together at 5:25, the very minute he came into this world 16 years ago. It means more to me than it does him, but anyway, it was special. I prepared myself to order an appetizer to eat while he ate his sandwich; I knew I still had to come home and have dinner! All the appetizers were bad choices. I was a little interested in the nachoes, but it said on the menu it serves 2. I asked them to make me a half order, and they wouldn't, insisting they were so good I'd want the whole thing if that's all I was ordering. Clearly they are not on the same journey as me. I went to the salad section and settled on the salad with the longest list of veggies. Long story short, they brought me a platter of salad piled all the higher because of the mound of cheeses and bacon, 2 side bowls of dressing, and 3 pieces of french bread with melted cheese on top. I forked my dressing and left a slice of bread, but otherwise ate what was in front of me. I had the best intentions...so I came home and didn't eat supper afterall in hopes there'd be some balance. I was dog tired and went to bed at my usual time. Husband came much later, near midnight, and the stampede of 2 cats and 2 dogs awoke me from a very sound sleep, to which I never returned. I saw the clock every hour of the night at least once and finally got up before the 5am alarm...madder than a wet cat.
It took every ounce of my being to be everything my students needed today. I'm tired. My head spins with good ideas, but time runs out, I pack my bags and come home. My son had Ultimate Frisbee pratice tonight til 4. We ran by our favorite sushi place and ordered 4 assorted rolls and got 2 free CA rolls; brought those home for his birthday meal of choice, as is the tradition. I figured it was a pretty healthy choice, and I had over 500 calories left to spend with breakfast and lunch being well planned. So 6 rolls total, I put 2 slices of each roll on my plate and that was dinner. No idea whatsoever what the calories would be, but you know, my son turning 16 is cause for celebration, and for all the ways it could have gone, I'm celebrating the fact that he is not obese, he's physically fit and active, and he asked for raw fish for his birthday meal. He didn't even want a cake, but got a batch of cupcakes my husband made for him. In 2 weeks, I'm willing to bet there will be cupcakes left. Something about the same mix and the same frosting in cake form makes one (ME) inclined to have a slab. I can co-habitate with cupcakes and not pay them much attention. I'll have one later tonight because it is what it is, and I'll have some half fat ice cream. Am I focused? No. Have I given up? No. I'm living the week I dreaded most and doing the best I can with the added demands, degree of tiredness, sore legs and feet from standing all day, and eating lunch in 10 minutes or less while I multi-task at things I would otherwise forget about until it was too late. My new schedule DOES however make it possible for me to not bring work home. My energy level with the kids is far higher. So far, day 3, and my class is a room of happy children whom I can make laugh, and so far I have entertained them to the extent that I've not had to call for reinforcements or refer for disciplinary action. Did I mention how freakin' tired I am at the end of the day?!? I hope my luck continues. One of my co-workers mentioned my weight loss today!!!! Yay!! It made me feel bashful because I had abandoned hope that it was noticeable. She said she could tell in my neck and chin area. When I dressed this morning and did makeup, I could see it too, but I fear I look like a deflated lawn ornament, where the fan isn't blowing real hard. I think it takes forever to lose belly, hips, and bum. I'll keep on doing what I'm doing, no doubt, but it's time for me to gird up my loins and give it 100% again. This is the week I knew would tax me; it's really testing me, but I'm ok. I didn't get my water in yesterday, but I drank more today. I'm well aware of where I fall short, and am looking forward to a weekend to reconnect with myself. Oh, and did I mention I've been eating bad pork all week? My taco meat, the ground pork I started it with, was apparently nearing its prime. It took me 2 days to decide the 8 pre-measured and frozen containers of prepared lunches would have to go, so today was a Lean Cuisine Spaghetti. I need to rethink all this this weekend and get away from so much sodium...maybe I'll bake a turkey breast. Time to re-vamp my plan of attack since I know the impact going back to work has on my level of dedication.

Today was a good day

I'm tired tonight, but not as tired as I thought I would be. I got up at 5:00am so I could leisurely take my shower, enjoy my coffee, do hair and make-up, dress, eat, and leave in plenty of time to still be at work early. I was able to wear a dress I haven't worn since I interviewed for the job 5 years ago. One co-worker commented that she liked my outfit, but still, no one has noticed/mentioned the weight loss. A student wrote me a note today; she wrote, "I think you are beautiful.". That made me feel special because I FELT beautiful today....a long, black linen dress with a rounded neckline, a short sleeved jacket over top, strawberries and blossoms embroidered in the front/center of the dress and in the corners of the bottom edge of the jacket in front, Mom's pearls and drop pearl earrings, my black nails and a big, sparkly red gemstone ring. It was especially nice to be able to leave at a decent hour with me not having a 6th period class. Once I settle in to the new routine of things, I shouldn't have any problem getting to the Y for a good, solid workout before it's time to start supper. Not going to worry about that this week; still having to medicate around the clock, and since I'm up much earlier, I find I need snacks morning and afternoon, so I'm still tweeking my food intake to maintain the balance I've found without running out of calories. This evening I ran by Starbucks for my weekend treat I never made time for over the weekend. I got a short non-fat green tea latte...very nice! Right on the cusp of tasting like fall. It was a good day...

I Just Did Something I'm REALLY Ashamed Of...

Call me paranoid, but I went back to my older post from the other day and edited it, taking out parts I thought might come back to bite me professionally. I also bleeped a comment for the same reason, NOT because I personally objected to it. In fact, I would have loved to have kept the second part of it that referenced my Mom, but I couldn't figure out how to remove part of a comment...it took it all away. So PLEASE don't be offended. I also took my picture off. As far as I know, I only have 2 regular readers, but it's up for grabs, right? Better to be safe than sorry. It felt good to dump my emotions that day, and in the grand scheme of things, it wasn't a day I care to look back on and relive at any time in the future, so....sorry.

I'm posting some new pictures today. :) I slept very late today. Early morning cramps required I pull out the big guns and take a Rx that renders me able to sleep REALLY well once the discomfort subsides. I slept until almost 11:30. I awoke feeling fabulous, but know I'm on borrowed time before the next dose. I was a meal behind with calories to spare so I made nachos. Again, using the digital scale, I measured 1 oz of tortilla chips, used 2 oz taco seasoned pork, 1 oz black beans, 1 oz mexican cheese blend, microwaved til hot and melted. Topped with 1 oz shredded lettuce, 1.25 oz tomato, 1 oz pico de gallo, and 1 oz fat free sour cream. For 449 calories, it was a divine explosion of flavor!

I'm also posting the items I made mention of the other day; the note from Mom, the flip side with Dad's note, and photos of the sweetner holder I gave Mom when we met our goal in weight loss 23 years ago. It was in her purse when she died and it had Splenda in it so I know she used it. Splenda wasn't around when I gave it to her; I had put Equal in it. There'll be more pictures. I'm finally going to Pier1 this afternoon for my dishes!!! :)

PS~ I also update the photo of the flowers my husband surprised me with the other day. They were still in their plastic sleeve and laying sideways on the table when I took the first shot. This updated photo is how beautiful they still are today in a gorgeous irridescent red vase he gave me for my birthday a year ago from Fenton. He's a pretty good catch.

Weigh Day!

Ok, well, don't get excited....nothing to report. Had to take one for Team Girl this week. Up 3/4 of a pound; totally beyond my control. I'm ok with that. This too shall pass. I know I was right on the food this week and all the water was had...it's just one of those things.

It's been a busy week with work days. Lots of late nights, dinner at 10pm, and sunrise too early. Students come back Monday. I've had many meet and greets this week, gave and received a lot of hugs. Many of my students who have moved on to higher grades returned to see me. I can be dog tired and overwhelmed with my to-do list, but it's always a very validating experience to see that they WANT to come back, they WANT to see their old room, their old teacher, they want me to see them, see how they've grown, hear what they've accomplished. It's not going to be an easy year. They're never easy, but those initial relationships are hard to navigate. I see a lot of resistance in the new faces. More than usual. A lot of fear, anger, hostility...these are all pretty foreign to me and my person, to it's a big sidebar for me to deal with. It's hard work. I can't just be me and have that be enough; I have to be what they need me to be, but they have to LET me first. That could take minutes, hours, days, or weeks. Some of those faces look at me and say "never".

I haven't had much appetite this week except for the one night I wanted to gnaw the leg off the table. Normally, at least for the past 5 weeks, I get a very distinct "taste" for something at each meal and immediately know in my head what I'll have or create. It really un-nerves me when the picture is blank. I did the taco meat and black beans for a while and will ready some this weekend to pop in the freezer....makes for a yummy hot lunch in less than 2 minutes. My last "taste" was for Lean Cuisine Spaghetti with Mushrooms and Meat Sauce. When I want spaghetti, that's the taste I crave...not Ragu. Imagine my delight when I foraged through the freezer and found a stray LC from "diets" past, flipped it over, and saw it was my dream come true. I must pick up some more to have on hand for mornings like that one when I didn't pack my lunch the night before. That was was my late night when I came home, deflated, and flipped my switch to "off", having been "on" for over 12 hours at that point.

Today I'll go get my nails done. That's 2 hours of ME time. Manicure and pedicure. My bright blue nails were a big hit this week, both with the students who came through and my co-workers. I'm not just imagining this. I got so many compliments. My nails are long now, a really nice, pretty length. My nail people just add a layer of gel to strengthen them, but they're otherwise all mine, no fake tips or anything. I'm either going with a really pretty, sparkly dark green, or I may go solid black. It gives me, at least mentally, a slight advantage over what I have to face next week. Let the kids wonder about me and be curious. For some, we might connect all because of a nail color. It sounds silly, but it happened THIS week. A Grandma brought her granddaughter to register, transfering from another system. I saw the girl take in my nails and jewelry as we filled out paper work. She opened up and asked if she could touch my nails, she showed her sister my ring, added that she liked my hair. Eventually, before she left, she threw her arms around me and hugged me; she was taller than me, we're not talking little children! When she exited the hug, she was smiling big and said I smelled good. This was in the 11th hour of my 12 hour day. Grandma was beaming and proclaiming how much she herself loved this school already and how happy they'd be. The girl was saying how much she couldn't wait til Monday. In my room I have a sign up. "As one person I cannot change the world, but I can change the world of one person." Sometimes it's me changing the world of a student. Sometimes it's the student changing my world.

Fighting it....fighting it...!

No one has noticed I've lost weight. I did get 2 compliments on my outfit today, all brand new and a size smaller. The one in particular caught me off guard, and the giver realized it. It made me feel especially good because I know this person doesn't give out compliments freely. Today was the first day in well over a year I've worn a skirt. No one has mentioned my hair. That's ok...by Spring, they're gonna wonder what hit 'em. This change is for real. It's not a diet. It's the culmination of 23 years of re-learning and putting into practice following 23 years of really bad habits and not knowing any better.

Wine has made me mellow and the tears have dried from the parts of my day I'v chosen to edit out of this post. Gears are shifted and I can let go of today for now. Tomorrow will be better emotionally, but by God...I'm not letting this, THEM, IT break me. They hit a nerve, and I will not give in to the dark side and respond as I have in the past. Somewhere I have a note in my Mom's handwriting. It was a note she wrote to herself and kept in the drawer of the kitchen table at her place. It said, "Nothing tastes as good as feeling good feels." I found it after she died and retrieved it from the trashcan when my Dad threw it away. On the back is a note in my Dad's handwriting he had left on the table telling one of us kids to make ourselves at home, where he was, and when he'd be back. Obviously, he grabbed the first piece of available paper within reach, and for whatever reason he was able to disregard my dead mother's writings. I kept it, mainly thinking it was cool to have a piece of paper with samples of both my parents' handwriting, but everything about my Mom was, and still is, near and dear to my heart. Somewhere I have tucked away the silver sweetner holder I gave Mom when we lost all our weight 23 years ago. I had it engraved, "We did it!" It was still in her purse when she died...along with the pack of cigarettes, a lighter, and an ashtray she fashioned out of aluminum foil. She kept it so she could sneak a few drags when she went into public restrooms. Who was going to question how long it took her to do her business?! She never really broke the habit despite her efforts to convince us she had. I was kind of relieved to learn she hadn't given up everything and that she continued to do one thing that gave her pleasure until the end. Diabetes took away the foods she loved, and gradually she lost mobility and was confined to a wheelchair. Sometimes the rescue squad had to come and get her up off the floor or out of the tub when she'd fall; her weight made it difficult for any single person to help her and I know that was humiliating for her. The little sweetner thing is cute though...it'll hold maybe 4 packs of sweetner. I never saw one before, and have never seen one since. I need to find it.

Better Than Yesterday

I had a great day yesterday, all day, until about supper time, and then all Hell broke loose. I knew supper would have to be late because of my husband working out at the Y and my son's work schedule. I was worn out; my first day back to work and all. I needed to eat, and thought a little something wouldn't hurt, maybe tie me over til they got home. That was all she wrote. I had a little of this, and a little of that, next thing I knew I was down to where "supper" would need to be 150 calories! I went to pick my son up, and by that time I was exhausted and couldn't even think myself through what I might cook for dinner. He needed some things from the grocery store to pack his work lunches, which was going to make us even late-r getting home. A few doors down from Food Lion was our favorite Chinese delivery place. So, yep, that was supper. Even though I knew I was pretty much defeated for the day, I ordered vegetable chow mein and no egg roll. I ate my whole pint, but again, after a full belly I slept really well and woke up ready to face the day before the alarm ever went off.

Today was hectic and fast paced. I worked 2 hours later than needed just to have some peace and quite in an empty building. I had packed an orange, so it was handy right when I needed it. I got more done in those 2 hours than I did all day with all the interruptions. Food has been perfect today and I still have 299 calories left for bedtime. I drank all my water too, plus some. I tried Joseph's Lavash Bread tonight. A big rectangle of it is 100 calories. For a wrap I use half, but for what we had tonight I used a whole one. I baked chicken sausages and did peppers, onions, and mushrooms, then an ounce of cheese. The whole lavash makes a nice, neat, manageable bundle to eat. It was good. Another busy day tomorrow, so I'm off to bed. 'nite

Hi ho, hi ho...

Today moved fast. I went from one meeting to another; from school to the school board office for more meetings. I see 3 major victories today. The second meeting of the day offered a huge assortment of donuts and pastry and I declined despite my seat being around that table. Those of us who had the farthest to come to get there got the last row of seating around the refreshments. The second victory was my proclammation that I wouldn't be drinking coffee at work this year. Three or 4 of us were the primary coffee consumers and we split financing the habit amongst us. I'll still have my 1-2 mugs in the morning while getting ready and having breakfast, but water is all I need the rest of the day. I had another meeting to travel to at noon and I was a little peeved because my 11:00 meeting ran over, and I thought it was really rude that they scheduled the meeting for noon-3 when everyone ELSE got a lunch break. I microwaved, assembled, and snarfed down a turkey black bean taco using a pita and adding lettuce and tomato, no cheese...snarfed it down and topped it off with yogurt and 10 grapes before driving to my next meeting. Uuuummm...nobody mentioned they'd be feeding us. I had a moment of feeling like a victim, but turned it around. While everyone else was assembling their plate of club sandwiches, chicken salad pitas, and homemade potato chips, I went out to my van and got my sliced orange and my 2/3 empty half gallon of water for the day, retrieved myself a glass of ice from what they provided us, and settled in. The orange was supposed to have been my late afternoon snack, but even though I had just eaten, albeit quickly, I felt a need to fit in among my colleagues. It didn't seem to matter that I was eating something different, but I think I'd have stood out had I not been eating anything at all. I was pretty hungry when I got home around 4, but my calories were low enough I was able to have a mini meal, and I still may have some popcorn shortly. Supper will not be until after 7:30, and spreading 1500 calories out across the day in mini meals seems to be just the right amount to maintain myself, never allowing myself to be overly hungry OR overly full. Before I go pick my son up from work tonight, I have a fun plan. I'm going to run by Pier1 and get an assortment of mis-matched serving pieces. I saw them the other day. I have this new appreciation for food and presentation is part of that. I mentioned in an earlier post about the wonderful tomato and watermelon salad I had on vacation and how it came served on a long rectangular white plate...they have the white plates! They also have very colorful fish bowls that would be just right for a single serving of ice cream or cereal. It makes it fun! I'm pretty excited. I'll take pictures of what I end up with. :)

Last Day Off

Tomorrow I go back to work. No students until next week, but work nonetheless. Mixed feelings as always. Stocking my arsenal of good food choices, and have made an itemized list of breakfast foods and their calories per ounce or serving as a map for hubby to follow as he takes over the breakfast routine. We tend to lock horns when it comes to this changing of the guard. He believes a "drizzle" of olive oil in the pan need not factor into the equation, and that a Tablespoon or Ounce can be eyeballed. For me, it is quite literally a matter of life or death. His past indiscretions on accountability could be in part due to my rather half-baked attempts to lose weight where there was little or no progress for weeks on end. I think he sees now this is a committment I've made, and as I near 30 pounds off, there are visible results. I hope he will be as committed to my wellbeing as I have been these 31 days. If not, I'll need to get up earlier, shower, and take care of my own breakfast myself which would be a shame since I have to leave the house a good half hour before he does. That, and he obviously doesn't have the whole makeup routine or (less obviously) hair to deal with. OMG!...he just walked in and handed me FLOWERS!!!

Weigh Day!

-3.25 for the week

-14.75 for my first month

-26.75 since I made my mind up at Christmas to do SOMEthing.

I am so happy today! It's my 1 month anniversary of making this change. I've crossed the river and have reached the point of no return, where I can hope to never see "those" numbers again. I can certainly make 30 before school starts if next week is as good as this week. I embarked on cleaning my closet this week. I don't know if I wrote about it or not. I think I mentioned it...but I have clothes that haven't been worn in over 10 years. They're pre-divorce clothes...perfectly good clothes, but they have bad vibes. I kept them because they were perfectly good clothes, but had to talk myself through a process of elimination. If I lost enough weight to wear them again, would I really want to??? I took a 30 gallon trash can piled high to Goodwill this week. I laundered the things I kept that I was surprised I could wear again NOW. I took 2 very flattering long linen dresses with matching jackets to the dry cleaners. I know I haven't worn those in over 5 years because I wasn't re-married yet, and one of them, I wore to my interview for my current job! And that was the last time I was able to wear it. I have proportion issues, all the more apparent as weight comes off. I begin losing at the top of my head, I'm sure, and gradually, lose lower and lower. My rear has always been where I carry the most weight, and it's horrible shopping for pants. If I find pants that go over my hips, they either don't land at my waist in back, or they do, but gap open by many inches at the waist. Either way, that's not comfortable. I've done drawstrings, but they're usually jersey cotton, and my rump and thighs are way too bumpy for me to be convinced THAT's a good look. I suspect I'll do a lot of long dresses and skirts for work this year. I don't think I wore a single dress last year. I lack confidence in knowing what looks good, and what shoes should go with what look. I've never been good at that, but when you think about it, what I've worn my whole life has boiled down to wat fits...not so much what I liked or what was in style. It's not like I had many options. There have always been more options for the top half. I ordered some new items this week for work, and ordered 1-2 sizes smaller. You know the line where sizes jump in price by $5?...I took a leap of faith and ordered the size on the cheaper side. First time in YEARS! If I can't wear it the moment it arrives, I'll be wearing it in another month. I feel very liberated; very free from my weight. It can't all fall off at once, but I know I'm doing the right thing for long term success. And even though I am constantly aware of what I've consumed, and what I'll consume next, and how many calories that leaves me with to consume later, "my weight"...the negative impact, the negative issue, the prison my weight had become is unlocked. It's still there, but I see freedom, and there's nothing between me and it, nothing but time.

Friday the 13th

It hasn't been an unlucky day for me at all...knock on wood. I got my hair highlighted and I love it! It's a little blonder and less golden than I imagined, but it doesn't look fake. It just looks like I spent a lot of time outside this summer. It looked so good I came home, showered to get the trimmings off me, did my hair myself (which I always like better anyway) and did full makeup. All dressed up with no place to go. I did have to go pick my son up from work, and when I did he was starving. He wanted Long John Silver's clams. I wasn't even tempted, and that made me feel progress. I'm not saying I'll never eat LJS fish again; I'm just saying I didn't eat any today. That's why this thing is working for me...one day at a time. What's done is done, and tomorrow can always be better than today...but today was really good too. My new taste find is Frosted Mini Wheats "little bites" in chocolate. I could take or leave chocolate, but these make a nice semi-sweet finish. 1/2 of a serving is 100 calories for 26 biscuits. It's about a cup. That and half a banana was my end of the day snack tonight as I get ready for bed. I also like VERY much the Fiber Plus Yogurt Berry Crunch. Both items were new tastes for me and I like them.

Lunch was so good I prepared it again for supper. Yellow squash and onions browned in 1/2t olive oil and Pam, salted, then 2oz taco meat and 1oz black beans added. Topped with 1T parmesan.....m, m, m. I also made a side "salad" of cherry tomatoes cut in half and a reduced fat string cheese sliced in little rounds...mixed in 1/2 oz of pesto. The pesto did a number on the calories, but it was an otherwise very low calorie meal, and that was a fraction of the pesto I used to use with pasta and stuff. I didn't miss the pasta, and enjoyed the basil and garlic *BANG*. There was hardly any residue on my plate, so I used just the right amount to cover the tomatoes and cheese. My whole plate was under 500 calories. Lunch was way less because I didn't do the tomato/pesto stuff then, or the parmesan cheese. Hubby liked it too. My rings are fitting looser...more loose? We'll find out tomorrow what the scales have to say for the week. Fingers crossed! :)

whew!

Today was my last day without an early morning obligation, so hubby let me sleep in. He took care of his own breakfast and lunch, and I didn't get up til after 10! I leisurely drank my coffee, then showered and did hair and make-up. I was called in to work 1-3:30 to orient a new employee even though Monday is the first of our workdays, new employees get caught up to speed before day 1. Pretty cool though because this guy was our long-term sub the last 6 weeks of last year, so no new tricks to learn from this ol' dog.

I picked up a large Wendy's chili and a water on my way. Ate that and the 6 saltines for my first meal of the day at 1pm. My son requested bbq'd chicken, vinegar and oil style, for supper. I forgot how long it took on the grill, and it didn't help that the propane tank went empty part way through. We JUST NOW finished supper at 10pm. It was a grand supper too because I had calories in the bank! I bought the smallest of the "real" baking potatoes...the kind they sell individually. I had a 10oz potato with fake butter and ff sour cream, steamed broccoli, 3oz chicken by the time it was done and picked off the bone, fresh pineapple, and a glass of wine. After all that, I still had calories left, so dessert was a sliced banana with a serving of reduced fat / no sugar added Bunny Tracks ice cream. It was SO good!!! Like a single serve banana split. Tomorrow I get my hair highlighted which always makes me feel good. It'll make me look like I actually spent time outside this summer...in all this heat?! I don't think so...

Good news!!! Hubby doesn't have to go to Japan next week afterall! Maybe in November, but I'm so happy and relieved he'll be here as I creep back into my pool of stressors. It'll make the food issue much easier if I know somebody has my back...so long as he doesn't lock my scales again!

Yum!

Running errands today and preparing to taxi a bunch of teenagers tonight. Decided what I wanted for lunch and made 2 stops to get it on my way to and from Goodwill and recycling (finally). The 6:30am breakfast calories were on the low side, but hunger didn't knock until 2pm, so with only 288 calories withdrawn from the bank, I allowed myself 2 wonderful taste treats for lunch: A small Wendy's chili, and a McDonald's Southwest Grilled Chicken Salad without dressing. I even picked up a parfait to have before I run and get the boys at 5 so I have something yummy in me as they make their food choices and I have to ride in the van smelling fries or whatever. The chili is 220, and the salad is 320, so a 540 lunch putting me at 828, 958 after the parfait; going into supper with 542 left. That's not bad. If I'm not particularly hungry at 5 and feel like I can be the warrior and not be bothered by fries, I may save the parfait for bedtime. It's nice knowing it's there. I'm lovin' it...

Bad, but better than usual

Supper was exceptionally good last night for many reasons. I even had ice cream for dessert. And let me explain how obsessive I am over doing well...This ice cream has been here since before vacation and I had not had any. It was something husband picked out on a whim, and likely the first time I ever recall him wanting ice cream. He bought Bunny Tracks and it's the reduced fat, no sugar added variety. A 1/2 cup (72g) serving was 150 calories. I didn't have 150 calories left. I had 144 after supper. I literally calculated calories per gram and figured out how many grams I could have and weighed it out. I've never enjoyed a little ice cream so much, ice crystals and all. But then get this. 9:00 came and I was starving. It was enough of a hunger that I knew sleep would not come easily, and I really felt panic and frustration. It was like impending doom. I had no calories left. So what was I to do? I did what I've always done; I ate. But I ate carefully. Did I go over my calories for the day? Yes. How many? I don't know, but 500 wouldn't surprise me. I had 2 slices of deli turkey breast, some dried fruit, 2 thin slices of deli American cheese, 2 sugar free jello snacks, and 1/4 cup of smoked almonds. I didn't necessarily measure, but I had a half cup Gladware handy and poured them in it half full. So, yep, I fell from grace, but I'm ok with it. None of what I picked with the exception of the cheese were, for lack of a better term, "bad". When I was done, I found myself surveying the kitchen to see if there was anything else I might want in this moment of weakness because if I was going to indulge, it was going to be NOW. I didn't go back for more ice cream. It felt really good to have made the choices I made, feed the hunger, and stop when I wasn't hungry anymore. I awoke this morning feeling refreshed and well rested. It's the first night in about 27 days, I've lost count, that I have not been up during the night 1-3 times to potty. I had all my water, but was done with it before supper. And if you recall, my previous night was restless, and my entire day was squirrely and scattered. I feel like today everything is corraled back in to place and the planets are once again aligned. Breakfast was a Pam fried whole egg, 2 slices reduced fat bacon, 1 pack instant grits, and a 3oz banana for 288 calories. I'm happy with that. Yesterday's breakfast cookie (310) at breakfast and turkey burger with cheese(243)at lunch sucked up too many calories too early in the day. Today is already better than yesterday, and isn't that the whole idea?

Same day...

You wouldn't know it from the photo, but my dinner tastes SO good tonight! And just to set the record straight, I've been at odds with myself all day, so I had a real struggle in my head over what to do. My son isn't eating at home tonight and neither is my husband. Normally, this would signal me to call up girlfriends and head for the nearest plate of something alfredo, snarf it down in eager anticipation of what the dessert tray held, and kill another 2 hours over dessert and decaf coffee. I wasn't up for the challenge tonight. Temptations are something I just need to avoid. Maybe one day one will sneak up on me and I'll be ok, but I have a long history of not being ok in that particular situation. Eating is, or has been a very social event. I find tonight that it is equally as difficult to dine alone. I'm faced with choices outside of my routine. One large variable in tonight's setting is the fact that I have $3 in my wallet and will not justify dinner for one going on the credit card, especially since I was having a particular hankering for dollar menu fare. I was targeting things like Wendy's chili and Taco Bell Fresco tacos, but still...either way...not enough of a purchase to charge, and too little cash to have a real meal. Stop for just a moment and consider how much thought and energy went into talking myself through this! Ordering Chinese delivery was another option, but I wouldn't know where to begin on making a good calorie choice there. So I went to my kitchen and retrieved things I only really wanted to eat. I had looked at cans of soup, but being here by myself and no one to have the other 1.5 servings, plus all the sodium...not a good choice. So what I ended up with was: 2oz onion, 2oz green pepper, 3oz mushroom, 1oz celery, 2oz hot Italian sausage crumbles squeezed in papertowel, and a single serving sized cup of Minute Wild & long Grain Rice. I sauteed the veggies in Pam, added the sausage and heated rice, and to the tune of 481 calories, it was far better than anything I would have driven out in to the world to retrieve tonight. I still have 144 calories left for later, but take a look at that photo! That was a one skillet meal, measured out precisely on digital scales, and I got to eat the whole thing for only 481! And that's a ton of veggies! Double what I would normally do, but I wanted to make it so rice was not the main ingredient. It was good...it was real good!

What day is today?

I'm in a fog. I don't know what it is. I've left the house 3 different times, each time telling myself I needed to take the 30 gallon can of recycling with me, and the 30 gallon can of clothes for Goodwill. Each time I left without it and thought of it 10 miles away. Same thing with things I need to take to the town where band camp is...I get to band camp and realize I left stuff at home. I thought today was Wednesday. I called to make a hair appointment and assured her tomorrow was "out"...that I've been asked by the boss to come in and orient a new employee from 1-3:30...only that's Thursday, which would be tomorrow if today was indeed Wednesday! Tomorrow, Wednesday, I need to taxi my son and 3 of his friends from one town to another so they can all go swimming, then go back later, pick them all up, and return them to their homes in the town we started out in. So technically, it's out too, but not really between 9 and 5. That's a lot to remember in my current state of mind; regardless, hair is on hold until Friday.

I went back to the eye Dr this morning for a follow up exam. He says my eyes are about 75-80% better, but I need 3-4 more days on the Rx drops, then immediately switch to OTC drops, probably forever. Moisturizing drops morning and bedtime on top of that. He wants to see me again next Friday after I've been on the OTC several days. I think that's why I also have a tremendous headache today. That, and it's very bright out today.

I didn't sleep well last night either. I was up 3 times, but can't remember what the 3rd time was for. Had weird dreams when I did sleep. The cat flipped the lid off Pathagoras' container sometime during the night and I awoke when the lid hit the kitchen floor. I came running to do a rescue, but the noise scared the cat and the fish was fine. He now lives in the spare bedroom behind a closed door until he goes to school. Another time, one of the dogs was walking around the bedroom trying to get sick, so I whisked him out the deck door. I would think I would have gone to the bathroom one of those times if need be, but maybe that was my 3rd time up. And though I didn't get up, I woke up another time when I heard the garage door leading into the kitchen close; husband went out to the garage fridge for a bottle of water. I was tuning my ears to the door closing, thinking it was my son, only to be startled by a dark figure re-entering the bedroom. So, it was a restless night. My son's dad is picking him up from band camp at 5 today, so no need for me to make that run again today. I should really go to the drawing table while I have the chance, but the urge to just read or watch a movie is greater. I should go work out, but I'm just not feeling it today.

Weight is creeping down, so me and food are on good terms. Get this...my husband put a combination lock on the scales! I have Dr's scales, and he put the lock on the balance this morning so there's no way to weigh! It made me mad when I saw it, and I haven't reacted to him yet. I know he means well since I DID say I wanted Saturday to be my weigh day. It's just a habit I have, and it seems harmless when compared to the other habits I'm altering. I like to weigh every morning before I eat, shower, etc. It makes it seem a more honest, accurate weight if it's just me, no added weight, at the same time every day. I like to see if what I may have eaten the night before has a bad effect on the scale...like the seasoned turkey burgers we had last night with mustard and pickles...did the sodium do a number on me? I lost 1/2 lb. I'm not writing any weight down until Saturday, but I like to see what does and does not cause it to fluctuate. So yep, it made me mad to see him take that away from me. Whether he knew it or not, the lock didn't lock and I was able to remove it (and hide it), so he may have just done it to provoke a response or make a point. It's not his battle. He's not the one doing the work and thinking about it 24/7, and if I need to see immediate results then sobeit. He even admitted the other night, he's not stepped on the scales since before vacation. He KNOWS, and admits, that if I was as good as I was and still gained 3 pounds, then he did worse. He doesn't want to know the numbers. For him it's good enough that he's resumed much of his healthy routine. I do find that I'm a food snob since I've been good now for nearly a month straight without any waivering. Last night he came home and I was preparing supper; it was 20 minutes from being done, but he got in the fridge and pulled out salsa to snack on that and tortilla chips...and he got a beer. This was immmediately following his workout at the gym, too! That's just wrong, at least to me. In 20 minutes, a good meal was going to be in front of him, and I think it's ok to feel hungry once in a while. In fact, I feel quite noble when I can truly identify hunger as it's time to sit down to a meal. That means I estimated my last meal correctly. I make my husband's lunch every day and send it to work with him, so I know what he's eating, and I know how much of what he gets. He gets more on a day he's planning to go to the gym too. It truly is my own personal battle to fight, and my own demons,and it's times like that and this morning with the lock that make me feel most lonely. It's hard when I see other people doing in front of me the thing I am most trying to cntrol for myself.

As mentioned, I have pulled 30 gallons worth of clothes from my closet to send to Goodwill. That's just the first of what will be, but it's a chore I've put off forever. My closet is overly full, and as I approach my 5th anniversary and 5 years in this house, I realize there are clothes in there I have not worn once in that time. Some(most)because they don't fit. Some I'm just tired of. Some I look at and they make me feel bad because of the time in my life they were from. My divorce was 10 years ago, and I still have clothes from before that, and some that have not been worn in those 10 years. I tackled about a 2 foot wide section yesterday; maybe just 18 inches. I tried everything on as I went. Most went in a pile that I'll move to the spare room for another 25-30 pound sort, just to get them out of my face and make room for the things I love to wear now. Another pile went on the floor to be laundered or dry cleaned; things I was surprised to find fit now with my almost 25 pounds off this year. There's a definite mustiness or mildew thing going on, which could explain my fog today. I stirred up some allergens, no doubt. The last 3 feet of that side of my closet is stuff I DO wear now, but even some of that was randomly plucked and canned while I had the kahoonahs to do it. I decided I may wear more dresses this year, especially while I can still get by wearing my Tone-Up sandals. My dresses are all long, but they looked more flattering and slimming yesterday, some of them, as I tried them on. I still have the short end of the closet to tackle where all my pants and skirts are, but I had my fill of that activity yesterday. It'll be something good to get in to while husband is in Japan. It was a major event that I even embarked upon it at all. It was on my list of things to do this summer, but losing 30 pounds was higher up on the list and I thought I'd be doing this to rid myself of the clothes forever and replace them with all new, smaller clothes. Instead, it was a "love it", "don't love it no more", "tired of looking at it" sort of the same ol' stuff I've looked at for a decade. Some things I just had to talk myself through, like, "Say you lose 40 pounds, do you really think you'll want to wear this even then?" I'll get there.