Sunday

Feeling somewhat better today. I'm very weak and simple tasks like taking a shower make me tired and wobbly. I did brave the scales today and am in disbelief that I've lost 1/4 pound. Perhaps my indiscretions will catch up with me later this week; I've made really bad choices, all for the sake of convenience so I could go back to doing absolutely nothing, or sleep. Sleep has been the thing I've enjoyed most through this ordeal and I know it's necessary for the drugs to do their thing. Sleep bought me escape from the misery of the symptoms until the antibiotics finally kicked in and started to eliminate the negatives. I'm not sure I'm ready to go back to work tomorrow, but it's easier to go in my current state than it is to find a sub. Besides, if I improve as much from today to tomorrow as I did from yesterday to today, I should be ok. And it is my short day; no responsibilities to keep me beyond 2:35, so I can leave immediately, come home and rest. I have some work I need to do this afternoon for having left early Friday. My son and I will eat out somewhere after I pick him up from work, as is our tradition when my husband is out of town on business. He's not expected to be able to come home until Thursday at the earliest. They tried to send him to China and Japan within the same time frame for possible future job bidding, but opted to send him to the paying customer who needed him now. We're hoping he doesn't have to turn around and leave again upon his return.

Damn it all...

I'm not getting on the scales this week. Fighting other battles. After a week of feeling really rotten with symptoms changing daily, and a steady rotation of OTC meds to ward off symptom du jour, I broke down and went to the doctor today. It was a professional development day at work in the morning, and a workday without kids in the afternoon. This comes on the tail of having worked until 7pm last night for parent teacher conferences. Historically, teachers take extended lunches on these days and don't always come back. I stayed get get professionally developed, called the doctor's office at 11:30 and got a 1:30 appointment. I cashed in my comp time from summer hours and left. During this whole malady, my appetite has been ferocious, and I've fed my every whim. I wanted compensation for all the bad I was feeling. Food has always been a comfort, and this week has been no different. Can't totally change 45 years of programming, especially when faced with adversity.

I had time to kill between leaving work and my appt, and I had been starving throughout the workshop. I went to a place I seldom have opportunity to go and enjoyed a half reuben with a cup of potato soup and a black tea with honey and ginseng...and 2 frosted sugar cookies, my favorite!
Went to the appointment and felt a bit ridiculous reciting the list of symptoms I've encountered over the past week. It would have been more efficient to list the ones I have not experienced. Let's see...it started with congestion, followed by a raw sore throat, then I lost my voice entirely for 2 days, but felt good otherwise. After that, there were nosebleeds, drainage, tremendous headaches, uncontrollable shaking, chills, ear pressure, burning eyes followed by waking up with them glued shut. My thought was pink eye, but it wasn't. Then there was dizziness, inability to sleep several nights in a row, a tickle, a cough, and a few mornings with my mouth coated with slime. Today's tally was incredible fatigue, a pulled muscle in my lower back from coughing so hard, swollen eyes, tremendous headache with sharp shooting pains when I'd cough, more drainage, and my tongue has raw spots. Diagnosis: Fluid behind both ears, a severe sinus infection, dehydration, and a BP of, get this...180/110! I felt so rotten I started to cry. I've never had a bad blood pressure reading. The doctor assured me it is most likely due to the cocktail of OTC meds I've been taking, specifically anything with Sudafed. I'll be the first to admit, I took what was here to relieve whatever was dragging me down, and like I told her, some were 24 hour meds, some were 12 hour, some were 6-8, and others were every 4 hours...and by day 4, I didn't give a damn. I took what I thought would make it possible to get up and go to work. At night, I took what I thought would permit me to sleep. She sent me home with 3 Rx's, and one will knock me out for 4 hour naps. I took them when I got home and crawled in bed at 3. When I woke up, the light coming in the window was dim and I thought it was the sun coming up tomorrow, but then I panicked because my dogs were missing and I couldn't remember what I had done with them. That was just it; I hadn't done anything with them. They were still outside and hoping for supper. I'm to have my BP checked again in a week-10 days. The finest thing I've had to eat, which felt more like the ambrosia I've been foraging for day and night, was a cup of beefy noodle soup from Cracker Barrel tonight. Homemade noodles, and the broth was just right...chunks of roast beef that melted in my mouth. That's not all I had, oh no, but I'll spare the details. It wasn't pretty. It wasn't even terribly good aside from the soup, but I feel rotten and there's nobody here to take care of me at a time when I can't for the life of me do what is best for me. It's just not in me. It will be. I knew today that medicinal intervention was necessary so as not to spend another week pretending to feel good at work. I didn't want antibiotics, but they are necessary to beat this thing. Once beaten, I'll feel better and get control of everything else. For now, it is what it is...a blip on the screen.

Fall just tastes too good!

I lost 3 pounds this week. Not a great victory considering last weeks gain, but a loss nonetheless, and far better than the alternative. I suppose the loss would have been greater had we not celebrated with wild abandon last night. It was my husband's birthday. I took the day off, not so much because it was his birthday, but because I had the beginning signs of sinus/respiratory issues ahead, and not wanting to endure another day on the job feeling less than 100%, I decided to give myself an extra day of down time. Hopefully it will make for a better Monday. My in-laws came Thursday night with plans to leave Friday with us all going to work, but since I took off, I was able to convince them to stay an additional night. My mother-in-law and I visited a neat little consignment boutique I've admired for some time. I suppose I was waiting to see if it was a flash in the pan, or if it would make a go of it. It was really quite nice and the lady that runs it is plus sized too, so she understood the search for nice things. I left with a grocery bag piled high with really neat clothes. Several hundred dollars worth for only $70. Some were brand new with the tags still intact, and many were from Avenue and Coldwater Creek. Nothing looked like it had ever been worn. From there, we killed an hour in the fabric store. Then we hit Food Lion for dinner ingredients. It was sort of on the fly, because had my inlaws not stayed, we would have undoubtedly eaten out. My son had band obligations, so he couldn't join us. I decided to make nice salad with reduced fat bleu cheese and glazed pecans. The main course was spaghetti with arrabiatta sauce made from scratch. My husband LOVES spicy foods; this was a recipe I had never tried before, but it was very much enjoyed. We also had 5 cheese garlic bread and Chianti, and ended the meal with Black Forest Cheesecake. It was SO good! So yes, I suspect I tipped the scales a bit today after that.
Snoopy had a vet appt this morning for a limp he's had, and got his nails trimmed. We returned from that and went to put him out back with the other dog, Billy, and discovered they had acquired a new friend. A very handsome Jack Russell terrier. He was nice, clean and healthy; collar, NO TAG! I took his picture and made a flier to post around the neighborhood. I asked my neighbor if he had seen it before, and he said the owner was driving around earlier looking for him, that he lives 2 streets down, and was driving a black pickup. We canvassed the area, but couldn't find a black pickup. I suppose he's still looking for him. Rather than set him loose and hope he finds his own way home, possibly getting hit between here and there, I left fliers randomly up and down their road. Either they or their neighbor will know soon enough there's a found dog. In the meantime, we've pinned him in with ours in the small fence he can't escape. He had no desire to leave through the big fence he entered through, but I'd hate for someone to show up and the dog had decided to roam the area again and remain lost. He'll be safe and well cared for until his owner gets here.

Today was better than the last few...

I'm starting to feel like a human being again. There for a while, I wasn't so sure. I couldn't be certain I hadn't been pushed over the edge, contemplated the possibility that I may have indeed been losing my mind in ever so slow motion, or God forbid, it's the onslaught of mini-paws and the voracious mood swings I've heard so much about. All that said, today was good. I looked like a nice lady. I felt like a nice lady. I think I even acted like a nice lady. Last bell rang and I got the Hell out of Dodge. Left a stack of papers to grade whenever the Hell I get around to it. I ran my son home for food and took him to work for a short shift. While he was there I visited with friends and went to get my nails done. Always good for a bridge of time where I'm responsible for abso-freaking-lutely NOthing and I come out of it with beautiful chili pepper red nails. I was done in time to swing back around, retrieve kid, and head home for my own supper while same kid embarked on cleaning thorn-in-my-side room. Grilled porkchop with wasabi sauce on rosemary potato bread. Kroger, ok?! It's not like I thought it up myself, but it was good. Meanwhile, there was the thunderous roar of years of crap being thrown into a 33 gallon metal trash can for trash, additional finery being thrown into yet another 33 gallon rubbermaid for Goodwill, and at that point, screw recycling as there was no room in the inn for another container of any kind! In-laws called and they're nearby for a grandchild's birthday. They'll come here Thursday and spend the night to celebrate my husband's birthday. It frees me up for 7 months while we're the same age and I'm not referred to as a cradle robber. We'll see how good 45 is to him! It can't be all bad, he has me! Right? After this past week, the fact he hasn't packed his bags speaks volumes.

Must've been...

Yesterday was difficult at best, though I finished the day at 1538 calories and woke up this morning, down 3.5 pounds from yesterday. Old habits are hard to break, and I found myself constantly reaching for food for comfort and would have to regroup and find new direction. As a result, we have embarked upon rearranging all the furniture in the main part of the house, cleaning as we go, etc. It's looking much more user friendly. Five years in this house and we've been constantly trying to find the right mix of furniture and lighting for each area, always one extension cord short or lacking an end table. I feel such an internal battle. Old wounds. Waking up in a sweat, fearing my ex's next step will be to take me to court for a change in custody. It breaks my heart. Ex wanted no part of him when he was small and delicate. I was responsible for his care entirely and he was old enough at the time to still remember the night his Dad walked out on us and all that followed. Now he acts like he's the coolest thing since sliced bread, can't get enough of him, while my husband and I are being ridiculed. I don't get it, but I'm fighting the battle nonetheless and war rages internally, physical battle scars grow in number every day. I look in the mirror and wonder what happened. My school pictures arrived, taken a month ago, and I don't see myself in them. They were from before all this. Now I see bags under my eyes and dark circles and I don't really care what my hair looks like. My skin appears dull and the whites of my eyes aren't bright. Makeup can only do so much! As much as I dream of quitting my job, that's the one place now where I'm on my game and I find something I need in the faces of other peoples' kids. Everybody says this is a phase and everything will return to normal. I believe that. I really do. But it can't erase the fact that history was made last night with him going to his first big dance and he went to great effort to exclude me from this milestone. Maybe it was more an issue of timing than of the crime itself. Stress at work was at high tide when this cut loose. Maybe I'd have handled it differently if I'd have had any wind left in my sail that night, but from my perspective, he timed his performance, knowingly. I don't know. I'm just typing. Trying to get it out of me so I can move past it. He's due home today and the plan was to work together cleaning his room, boxing old clothes for Goodwill and putting things in recycling. We also purchased a shelving unit for in his closet to give him storage space...once we can get TO the closet! I know I feel better when there's order to my surroundings.

Crap

No other way to put it. Huge gain this week. Icing on the crappy week cake. Four and one half pounds. Stress level and bad choices run hand in hand for me and this has been a week to end all weeks. Stress at work is status quo, but add to that unforeseen Hell on the homefront, and everything went down from there. Anyone who knows me, knows my son has come first in my life for all of 16 years. This week I felt betrayal like I've not known for years, since the ex got caught grazing in greener pastures. My son's attitude has been on a steady decline of late, most of which we attribute to being 16, but this week there were words and actions that still today are too painful to recount. They came as a slap in the face. Now everything I believed in firmly is on thin ice. Ex is using the situation to poke old wounds with a stick. My own husband has been sick for several days and hasn't had the energy to stand in battle with me. I'm tired, I'm grouchy, I'm anxious, and hurt. I went one night without sleep when everything came to a head. Cried for hours questioning where I had gone wrong. Went to work the following day looking like road kill. My son is going to Homecoming tonight, wearing the first suit he's ever owned. I'm not privvy to the festivities, and won't see him in his suit. That's the way he wants it. It hurts more than words can say. He has a date, but presumably they're going as friends. I know of her. I had to hear all the details from co-workers who had heard through friends of friends, who only made mention on the assumption I already knew. I don't like hearing about my son's life through third parties. I like his rationale for it even less. So now, I think more out of humiliation for having been found out, he's running to his Dad to avoid us. He's avoiding everything about us. My ex is in his glory and taking opportunity to score points with my son...buy him, if you will. Meanwhile, son is accomplishing his goal of navigating around his responsibilities around this household and the expectations we have of him as a member of this family...simple things like cleaning his room, changing his sheets, etc. It's been a week full of hurt and healing, though still more hurt than healing at this point. I'm sad and disappointed, but today's scale reading took me back to a place I swore I'd never go, so there's nothing to do but focus on the things I can control and hope for the best where all else is concerned.

10.10.10

Seems odd to say 10.10.10 and add that we'll never be able to say THAT again, yet isn't that the case with every date? Nothing much special about today. Yesterday was a different story. We went to NC for a weeding....ok, that was a typo, but it humored me, so I left it. We went to a w-e-d-d-i-n-g. It was different. My husband's cousin was married to a great guy. The cousin - a non-smoking, vegetarian, runner with zero body fat - surprised us all and died of lung cancer about 2 years ago I believe it was. The husband found new love, and so yesterday they combined their 2 established families into one with 5 children. The bride wore a fabulous strapless ivory gown with lots of sparkle and swoosh. The groom wore khakis and a dress shirt with no tie...and he was barefooted. She may have been too, but you couldn't tell. Her 3 daughters were her attendants, and his son and daughter escorted him to the altar/tree under which they wed. Everyone was to bring their own chair...we missed that part of the poem on their e-mailed invitation. An Episcopal priest (proper terminology/spelling?)officiated. Pretty cool overall to witness a new start. They married in the back yard of the home he purchased after his first wife died, which is actually a very old farm house. Tables were decorated with quart jars of yard flowers - zennias, sunflowers, dahlias, assorted grasses and allergens. There was pulled pork bbq and all the sides before wedding cake. Just a nice day. We drove down yesterday morning, got there with 5 minutes to spare, spent a few hours with family, then headed to the Best Western. No way we wanted to make THAT drive through THAT traffic twice in one day. I used my new camera and took some amazing shots of the bride and groom with every intention of doing a portrait for them. The first wife was our photographer at our wedding and our wedding album full of pictures was their gift to us. I also took several shots of the dahlias...OMG!!! I love this new camera!!! We went to the Walmart across from the Best Western and made prints last night. These will DEFINITELY end up on the drawing table! Oh...and there's new life in that near dead part of my life. After a local framer sold me an over-priced piece of custom shit they called a frame that fell apart before it made it to the International Colored Pencil Exhibition in Los Gatos, CA this year and misrepresented me and my work, I have formed a relationship with another local framer. Super nice! Original Frameworks in Blacksburg, VA. Prices were comparable, and this one person does everything; nobody to blame but herself if something isn't right. She asked where I show my work, and I told her the sad truth, that 3 of my last retail outlets had folded due to the economy and I no longer have a place to sell, and that all my work is in my van. She offered to hang some of my smaller pieces to see how they do. On the way there, I stopped by a friend's furniture store when I saw his mother outside. I went through some tough times with this family, and the Mom lives in Florida. I stopped by and she wanted to see my work and was very interested. She wants to see my pumpkins when I get them back from Original Frameworks later this week. So that all made me feel good....until I went to get back in myvan and my friend inquired as to whether the puddle under my van was FROM my van. Upon inspection, my coolant reservoir was entirely empty. Anyone who knows me knows things like this totally freak me out and fill me with anxiety. Was I going to get home? Was it a costly repair? Did I have my cell phone in case I broke down? Could I remember anyone's number if I didn't? We filled it up with water and it has yet to leak since. Husband thinks there may have been a clog that blew out of the line from having not run the AC in some time, and I did have it on that afternoon, so who knows? Anywho...that's been my week/end in a nutshell. I DID weigh before I left town Saturday, and I did lose 1/2 pound. Not a great loss, but a loss nonetheless, and I'm having all indications that I'll be cursed this week, sooner than later, and there's always a gain associated with that, so to have shown any loss at all feels promising. Off to tidy stuff for work tomorrow. Have a great week everyone!

Note to Self...

Do not eat pizza and chinese food the night before weigh day. Ask me how I know...

My in-laws were here when I got home from work Friday night. I love them dearly and look forward to their visits. They always stay several nights, and this visit in particular had festive flair as it was my mom-in-law's birthday. I like that we do nice things for her and treat her special. It sucks for anyone when birthdays get pushed to the side. At work, we had what we decided to call First Fridays, where, because it's pay day for faculty and staff, we order Chinese delivery. I thought I made an ok choice...Pepper Steak with Onions, and it was quite literally 1/3 + 1/3 + 1/3...I thought there'd be more meat, but it was BIG on veggies, and came with the cutest little 1 cup size chinese food delivery box of rice. Not bad. The restaurant was so thrilled to get our huge order, they threw in fried sugar biscuits and sodas for free! You see where this is going. Hadn't had a real soda in 25 years, but I had a Pepsi o Friday, and 2 sugar biscuits, and my entree, and 2 spring rolls. I chalked it up to preventitive medicine since I KNEW we were eating out Friday night for mom-in-law's birthday: I knew I had had my woo-hoo big food, and would use that to make good judgement at whatever restaurant she picked. She decided she wanted pizza, and because we were ordering 1 pizza to please everyone, it was Italian Sausage, Black Olive, and Jalapeno...and it was Pizza Hut. The 4 of us took out the whole thing, though I pride myself on being the first to call it quits, partially due to a disproportionate number of jalapenos on my side. Saturday we went many places. Of course, I weighed, and saw the unpleasing results. I was up 3 pounds, so there went my victory from last week and the gain I thought I deserved then. In hopeful dispair, I weighed again Sunday and it wasn't any better. I haven't weighed since. Still licking my wounds. We had a restricted diet breakfast (3 out of 4 people at the table battle something)before hitting the town. Later in the day we decided to have lunch at Cabo Fish Taco...one of our favorite "clean" places to eat. Nothing is greasy or saucey. I had an herbed chicken and avocado wrap. It was divine. We then took in a wine tasting. Supper was chili with no added salt aside from what comes in canned kidney beans, pinto beans, and black beans, though I drained and rinsed them. We used canned No Salt Added tomatoes, fresh jalapenos, onions, green pepper, and frozen corn. The meat was 1/3 Hot Italian Sausage and 2/3 ground turkey breast. There's not a trace of fat on the surface and certainly none added. We made beer bread with chipotle peppers for the side. For the birthday dessert, we made "Truffle Bites"...a semi-sweet choclate and whole cream mixture in mini muffin sized tarts lined with store bought (my first!) pie crust, topped with Light (like it mattered at this point) Redi-Whip. We each had 3...let me say again...they were mini's, and we had a whole lot more...but we didn't eat them. Sunday, we had grits and a baked chicken habanero sausage with orange juice for "brunch". We left here, drove to West Virginia and toured Tamarrack. Late lunch/early dinner was there, where chefs from The Greenbrier prepare the daily specials. I had horseradish encrusted salmon, green beans and roasted potatoes, and as I always do when I go there (1-2 times a year) I had bread pudding for dessert. Beyond that, the meal that followed amounted to a cup of chili and a truffle or 2...lots of wine. There's always lots of wine when my mother-in-law comes. They left today, but it was after all of us had gone to work/school, so we didn't even see them this morning. She left a nice note that she had a wonderful birthday. It was a nice off-the-beaten course weekend. I still got laundry done. I still got the bedroom vaccuumed. The only grocery shopping I did was for birthday food, so we're lacking a bit there, but we still have chili. I wish I had taken today off, just to recuperate. We have company so seldom, and I love it when they come, but my brain never got to just wander and go blank...no down time. I felt hostile today, very edgy with the kids. Clearly a bad mood, but WHY?! I had a great weekend! I had plans for the day. Lunches were packed before I went to bed. I was wearing a Halloween vest and metallic pumpkin earring for God's sake, how could I be cranky? I went to bed at a decent hour. Has food become a toxin? Could I be experiencing detox? I'm not upset about the weight gain. As I mentioned last week, my loss last week was a gift. I haven't found a good balance between work, stress and food. I'm floundering about, waiting for dust to settle. Nothing is clear to me when my life gets so hectic. I needed the detour of family and fun this weekend. There's already talk of Thanksgiving and Christmas. I've agreed to host Thanksgiving, but only by new rules. Of all that attend, I am the only female who works fulltime outside the home. I'm also the only female in the kitchen. And it's supposed to be my "break" from work. My family has dwindled to nothing, so it's basically me doing it all for my husband's family, who will, indeed, come out of the woodwork from across 2 states to attend, not just on Thursday, but Friday as well. I have confessed to my husband and my mother-in-law that things MUST be different this year. I will make turkey. I will make green beans. I will make mashed potatoes. I will not make anything else. Everyone who attends will have to prepare and bring something. Will I taste it? Perhaps. But the idea is, I will only be left with turkey and green bean leftovers. There are NEVER leftover mashed potatoes...genetic fluke. Whatever comes in goes home with its creator. Fair?