Friday

I'm out of sorts today. No particular reason; probably a bunch of collective ones. Hubby leaves tomorrow for a work week in Mexico. My son is in the woods for the entire summer working Scout camp, and e-mailed this morning that a friend of his from the other Scout camp was killed in a wreck last Sunday. That sends a mom's wits on a bad journey, especially as Father's Day approaches. How many times a day do I worry about the same thing happening to my own son? I cooked all day yesterday to provide lunch to some Japanese engineers visiting my husband's work. I enjoyed doing it, but now the fruits of my labor are gone and I'm left with an empty fridge and a dirty kitchen. Hubby seemed out of sorts this morning. He didn't get home until late last night as a whole group took the Japanese visitors out to dinner. I could stand still and watch my whole life swirl around me, or so it feels. And I didn't sleep good. For the past week, I've babied my left knee. It hadn't given me any trouble in many months, but suddenly it's really hurting. Things I could do a week ago, I can't do now. Last night, the knee pain remained constant and radiated to my legs through the night, so I never stayed in one position for long. I blamed it on too many trips up and down a set of 3 stairs to move artwork for display last Friday. It was fine before that. What it boils down to is that I don't want to go to the doctor. I'm certain I'd be referred to the specialist who rehabilitated my shoulder several years ago. It always starts out the same way. They tell me I need to lose weight. In one sentence, they would demolish my 8 pound trophy from last weeks efforts, and I don't want to be shot down this early. Fortunately it's summer, and I can take it easy a while and see where this goes. Though I want to spend next week in the studio, I will have to limit my trips up and down the steps. So I'm just whining. I'll get out of the house a bit today. I need to go get crickets for my son's gecko, and the dogs will be out of food in the next week. Maybe a nice coffee while I'm out. Mom would say I need white hyacinths for my soul, but I think they're out of season.

Back In The Saddle Again

February, March, April, and May sucked. I didn't keep a firm grip on the reins, and my plan fell apart. I don't know what it is. I blame it on stress at work that derails my intentions. Even with a fridge, a microwave, and an electric tea kettle in my classroom, I still can't find the illusive balance that losing weight relies upon. I surround myself with healthy foods, then eat them ALL when the storm clouds of stress loom overhead. That describes those 4 months, and having braved the storm, I picked up nearly 20 of my lost pounds. The last day of school for me was last Tuesday. On Wednesday, I started all over again. It is now Wednesday again, and I am down 8 pounds from last Wednesday. Another 10.5 and I'll be back where I left off in January. That's do-able, and emotionally I'm ready set to make it happen. It was mid July of last summer when I discovered what works for me, and I experienced good loss the remainder of last summer. I have no doubt in my ability to succeed, especially with an added 6 weeks of summer effort to my advantage this summer. Stress is definitely a factor, and since I can imagine no way to avoid it, I must devise a way to navigate it. I'm open to suggestions. I do think I need to purchase an additional digital scale so as to keep one in my classroom. I don't like to pack my lunch. I don't know what I might want to eat 15 hours in advance. I can stock my mini fridge with mainstays, one of which I only recently discovered and will require measuring it. It's a spread made with tofu...it came to me recommended as a foundation spread for little finger sandwiches, but it has a world of potential as a dip, as a cheese/mayo replacement, for veggies, for pretzels; I have eaten it sometimes twice a day in the past week and whipped up a second batch this morning. I could see making it on the weekend and keeping a container of it at work. Even an apple gets weighed, as do bananas, cherries, cucumbers and tomato. I possess enough OCD to feel totally defeated it I must "guess". That's how I got fat in the first place! I thought a little of this and a little of that wouldn't matter. So as ridiculous as it might sound, I will move forward with my calories, ounces and grams in check. I'm even measuring the non-starchy veggies. No guess work. So with full accountability, I'm back to staying within the 1500 calorie perimeter. It works, and I don't feel deprived. Are you kidding? I have eaten more better tasting food this past week than I had February-May combined. It's time intensive to plan, prepare, and creatively present (so as to amuse myself), but 8 pounds is a definite victory in my lifelong battle. And I realize at no time during the past year was I defeated. Numbers up or numbers down, I'm making better choices. There are foods that don't come in my house any more. Not because they're not allowed, but because my love affair with them is over. I've replaced them with fresher, less processed, low calorie, low fat, high fiber alternatives. I don't remember the last time I ate a canned vegetable or fruit. We don't eat beef in our home because my husband cannot. So like a bonsai, we're constantly making minor adjustments and shaping a more healthy way of living. It's not perfect yet, but it's better than it was a year ago. Way better than it was 5 years ago, and exponentially better than it was growing up on fried chicken, biscuits, gravy, liver and onions, macaroni and cheese, hotdogs, sausage, whole milk ice cream by the half gallon served on a bed of peanut butter, supreme pizzas at bedtime, inhaling secondhand smoke all the while. Nutrition was never a factor growing up. All we knew was that everything Mom made tasted good, and the more she made, the better, because that meant seconds! I'm 20 years younger than my Mom was when she died of a heart attack. I'd like to think I have more than 20 years to live. I first experienced significant weight loss 23 years ago...when I was 23! I've spent HALF my life being conscientious, being extremely aware of what I eat. Up until yesterday when someone dining 2 tables away on the same restaurant deck as I was lit up a cigarette, I can't recall the last time I encountered cigarette smoke. It's hard to break cycles and swim against the current. Sometime soon I'm going to make the appointment to have blood work done late summer, early fall. I haven't had any done the past year, and I still hang on to my last report. I'm anxious to see where the numbers are after a summer of hardcore "this". "That" may be the catalyst that sends me back to work with the motivation to continue "this" come Hell or high water! I DID have my blood pressure taken sometime in May and it was exceptionally good. The only reason I had it done then was because I was feeling as though I might burst at the seams and drop dead any moment. Fortunately, I did not, and was more than pleasantly surprised to see that while my weight was not going down at the time, my choices were still making me healthier. I promise I will not go another 4 months without an update. This really helps me, so thanks for reading. Suggestions and comments are welcomed along the way.

And She SCORES!

I am too happy for words! This is the last Saturday weigh-in for the month of January.

To re-cap a bit, I hit my all time highest weight Christmas 2009. I saw my family being able to enjoy things without me...like riding bikes on the beach. I vowed then to *change*. So from that December 26, 2009 trip to the scale, and throughout all of 2010, I fretted. Success came in fractions of pounds the first half of 2010. During the summer, I was fortunate to catch an article on AOL about Sean Anderson and his tremendous success. It was another defining moment in my own journey. I started following his approach to food, and on Saturday, September 11, I weighed in -30 pounds from where I started Christmas 2009, but the bulk of the loss can be credited to Sean's approach, which prompted me to begin this blog. September 11. That was the end of the 2nd week of school. I started losing my grip. I hadn't translated what was working in my summer schedule into something that COULD work at work. Gradually, fractions came back...week after week. Holidays are always hard and they always begin with Halloween candy and continue through January 1st. I reached a compromise with the whole holiday thing...I bought candy I didn't like, I kept baked goods in the unheated garage, I didn't make dips, or buy cheeses, or even entertain for that matter. I made a pact with myself to do as little harm as possible, get through the swirling vortex of holiday temptations best I could without a compass, and begin again with something I could do, only this time, hardcore.

Again, I weighed December 26, 2010. Down 12 pounds from the previous Christmas, but UP 18 from September 11! Happy or sad? I didn't dwell on either emotion. I knew what I had to do. I was victorious over the previous years' weight, and was experiencing loss in double digits...something I had not had bragging rights to in some time. But there was that 18 pounds. That was not acceptable considering the fact I know exactly what to do! So from December 26, 2010 to January 1, 2011, I thought long and hard. January 1 because my husband traditionally prepares a feast for our entire extended family that day, albeit far healthier than anything October, November, or December presents, it would be the last hurdle of the *season* and a good jumping off point for me. I spent those days modifying my goals, determining a weekly average I'd like to shoot for, but ultimately a "monthly goal". My weight would be allowed to ebb and flow throughout the month, but at month's end, I wanted a number in place for accountability. That gave me short term goals instead of the larger Christmas to Christmas bookmark. I had the food figured out! I'm still tweaking my plan so as to keep it sustainable, but currently I'm finding 1400 calories a day with unlimited non-starchy vegetables to be the optimal plan for me. Beyond that, it becomes a game, and I like that I'm only competing against myself. I'd say it's like solitaire, but since I don't know how to play that, I won't say it's anything other than me, myself, and I in the game. I'm weighing every morsel I eat with the exception of non-starchy veggies, which encourages me to eat more of them. Really...it does! The time it takes to weigh, look up calorie values, and record the information for the fractions of ounces of things that can go in to a salad...no thanks...so I give myself freedom. I didn't get fat eating lettuce.

Another thing I did after long debate was I "outed" myself on Facebook. Keep in mind, my Friend list is very, very short. My list, right now, consists of ONLY people who want this for me as much as I want it myself. I have 21 Friends. Some people have thousands. I'm going for quality, not quantity. Every comment, every "like", every message, carries me to the next success. If I'm struggling, I post it in my status, and encouraging words come to my rescue immediately. When I'm successful and have good news to report, there are people there who know and feel the celebration I want to share. It's been great!

So now....for today's report. Despite last week's hormonal hiccup at the scale, I rebounded with a vengeance, and took off SIX pounds this week!!! I am over the moon! And, as you recall, I set some lofty goals the last week of December. I wanted an average loss of 2.5 per week. January dealt me 5 Saturdays. That's a goal of 12.5 pounds to lose for the month...AND I DID IT!!! I am exactly where I wished myself to be today, and that gives me all the more confidence that I AM on the right path, I CAN live this way, and I WILL succeed...because I already am. First it was day by day. Then week to week. A month is behind me, and it was good. I can do this.

My husband left yesterday for 10+ days in Mississippi to get a steel mill up and running. My game now is to see how much less of me he can come home to. :)

If Mother Nature was on Facebook, I'd Block Her.

Just when things were looking so good, *BAM*!, my efforts fell into the abyss of PMS. Granted, it's a temporary state of existance, but all I can say is "Damn!". I wanted salt, I wanted chocolate, I wanted pizza. I even bargained with myself one night and decided to succumb to the pizza demons in the interest of getting it out of my system. We no longer order meatlovers, nor do we order a large. We go for a medium Italian Sausage, mushroom and jalapeno one and depend on a teenager to polish off the remains. We ordered online from the place 2 miles down the road; they'll deliver to the corner gas station, but not to our house, so hubby went to PH to pick up. He was gone so long I started to fear he had been in an accident. Much, much later, he returned....with a bag from Wendy's. When he arrived at PH 10 minutes past the scheduled pick up time, they had a long line at the pick up window. One by one they left, and finally it was my husband's turn. PH said it would be another 10 minutes. They say 20 minutes when you order...he arrived 10 minutes later, so there's 30, and now they're saying 10 more...40 minutes in the making. He told them to give him his money back, so he went to Wendy's and came home with a single and a small fry for me. I didn't even bother to look it up for the calories. I had almost 700 to spare at that point, and decided for as bad as it was, it was still better than the double burger, large fry and Frosty I used to enjoy. I was hungry and it was food. Chocolate was the odd thing though. I can normally pass it up, but this was a craving so fierce I was scrounging through my baking cabinet for a remedy. That terrible storm lasted 2 days and I'm finally beginning to regain the control I was so proud of. Perhaps the scales helped snap me back into reality. They were not my friend today, showing a whopping 4 pound gain in one week. I know it will be gone by next Saturday, but the moment, today, it sucks...for lack of a better summary.

Today I've just wandered around the house, no gusto for much of anything. I showered early and dressed as though I might go somewhere, but didn't. I'm in desperate need of a haircut and contemplating going some place I've never gone even though I've gone to the same person for 15 years. Just wondering if I'm missing something new and exciting. Even when I ask for something different, I come home and my hair is the same.

Tomorrow I told my husband I really want to go somewhere, if for no other reason than to not be a slave to laundry and dog hair 2 days in a row. I've requested we go to The Fresh Market, 40 miles away. I can easily kill an hour or 2 in there. I suggested we get something nice for the grill, and I also want to try steel cut oats. He's poo-poo'd the popularity of steel cut oats and insists they are nutritionally the same as our Quaker Old Fashioned variety. Regardless, they're a nutritionally sound food, and if the only difference is in texture, than so be it. I prefer cooked oats over instant. Perhaps steel cut is a cut above old fashioned, and if so, why shouldn't I enjoy them? I cannot believe I'm writing about oatmeal, muchless driving 40 miles for it, but I'm on a journey...a mission. I love food, and that relationship will never change. I will, however, make better choices in both quality and quantity.

Food Lion now sells individually wrapped frozen 100 calorie portions of salmon. That makes me happy. We had them baked with sea salt and lemon, then topped with wasabi sauce when done...brown rice, a veggie egg roll, and steamed green beans. I also tried another recipe from my Splenda cookbook...applesauce snack cake. It got the seal of approval from my teenager, so it will be part of my arsenal in this battle.

A Day Off...more cooking

My internet isn’t connecting today and that makes me incredibly squirrely. I’m used to checking in with my Facebook friends, my AOL’s, and even work. That knits a kink in my knickers! Also, it’s my niece’s birthday and I’d like to wish her a happy one before it’s all used up. It’ll be late tonight before my husband gets home to jiggle whatever wires the cats have raced through, but at least with the time difference from here to Alaska, it’ll still be late afternoon/early evening her time when I’m up and running again.

It’s my day off thanks to MLK. My weekend wasn’t all it could’ve been, so I’m glad to have a do-over today. Saturday was nice in many ways because I started the day on the scales and had enjoyed tremendous loss. Sounds funny as I type it and say it I my head…Who enjoys tremendous loss? That’s normally associated with death. This was far from it. I’m l-i-v-i-n-g…better and better each day. Saturday night I enjoyed a candlelight dinner with my hubby at a very nice restaurant, compliments of my 16 year old son. He gave us a gift certificate for Christmas; the first shopping he’s done under his own power as a new driver. I did not fret the evening. I went into it with over 700 calories left for the day, and I navigated the menu like a pro. Not like I haven’t done this before, right? I had what I genuinely wanted, but didn’t succumb to the remaining hot rolls and herb butter, nor did I order dessert. Instead, I had seared scallops and shrimp (4 of each), jasmine rice, seasonal steamed veggies, ONE roll with herb butter, and a single glass of wine. It was so good. Sunday morning was the kicker…the dog whimpered to announce he was ready to go out. I went to get up, but the other dog was lying by the side of the bed and I had to get out around the obstacle. I did something wrong and a pain went through my lower back so severe that it took my breath and made me feel faint and clammy. It was the most bizarre thing! I was fine lying down, and I was fine standing. Sitting was uncomfortable, and getting from standing to sitting or vice versa was excruciating. It made going to the bathroom problematic…everything. So I stood most of the day and puttered in the kitchen trying new recipes and planning for the week. I had taken a Rx painkiller, but it didn’t help; it just made my head foggy. I didn’t feel any relief until this morning when I took 3 ibuprofen and a hot, hot bath. I think the time in the tub gave the ibuprofen time to start working, and by the time I got out, I felt normal. I have since made myself a fresh pot of coffee and am enjoying a mug now with a tablespoon of cream. Not something I make a habit of, but I had a wee small amount left from holiday baking and decided I’d ration myself some.

I highly recommend the Splenda cookbook. Everything I’ve tried has been a delightful find. Yesterday I made a margarita cheesecake. It uses cottage cheese, fat free and light cream cheeses, and light sour cream. It also uses whole eggs and additional whites. It is very rich and creamy looking and the taste is pleasing. I made mine using a recommendation printed off to the side using pretzels instead of graham crackers for the crust so as to add a bit of saltiness if you prefer your rim salted when enjoying the real thing. I do, so I did. Even my son ate it without thinking anything was amiss. (aka: diet) What he didn’t like were the breakfast cheesecakes I made yesterday as well, from the same cookbook. I agree to an extent. They were not top shelf. They were a shelf or two lower. I can easily fix that. I think what we both found offensive was the immediate almond flavor from the extract the recipe called for. It hit me like something that might have been sitting in a musty cupboard. We’re not really into almond. That, and the orange peel surfaced, so it was a little grainy on top. Otherwise, the consistency was that of cheesecake, and I could easily see pairing this with fresh berries, maybe even some melted sugarless jelly glaze! The almond extract needs to go…perhaps orange or lemon…or brandy…rum…coconut….just not almond.

TyLing brand Wasabi Sauce is a new find I am crazy about! We are a family of sushi eaters, and we love the salty goodness of soy sauce with the punch wasabi mixed in gives. This sauce, recommended for use on tuna steaks (let me just say, yuk), is the perfect blend of sweet and salty, ginger and wasabi! It is fantastic drizzled in a wrap of chicken, onion, green pepper, lettuce, and cucumber. That was my lunch yesterday, today, and tomorrow. I use ½ of a Joseph’s whole wheat, oat bran and flax lavash bread for 50 calories, weigh out 2oz shaved deli chicken, measure the sauce, and allow myself unlimited veggies. That, at the same time I lowered my daily budget by 100 calories. It takes a lot of vegetables to reach 100!

I just finished making a bowl of carrot salad. Sugar free orange jello, a large can of drained crushed pineapple, a can of sliced water chestnuts, and most of a pound of carrots, grated. It’s something nice to have on hand to fill up empty spaces.

The other thing I did today was I called and scheduled my yearly ob/gyn appointment AND my yearly mammogram. Both are overdue, sort of. I got my mammogram reminder in July right around the time I first started down the path I’m on now. I didn’t want to be all pumped up about my newfound success only to be met by a Dr saying I needed to lose weight, or peddle weight loss surgery to me again. I wanted to make it happen on my own. All I needed was time. And then I got off track, so I needed more time. So here I am today, I'm doing it AND I have time! Yay! The ob/gyn visit wasn’t as pressing. I’m still in the bracket where once every other year makes them happy providing there’s nothing suspicious from the previous year to pursue, and there isn't/wasn't. Throughout the whole fertility, or lack thereof, regimen I saw him monthly…for years….up until maybe a year, year and a half ago. He could probably paint the thing from memory. (that was funny, I don't care what scars you get from the visual) I still harbor this tiny bit of hope that one month I’ll be late and have an entirely different reason to see him. So maybe that’s why. Have I given up hope? No. Not really. But, as always, they are booked way out, so I won’t see him until April 12! Do you know what that means??? It means if I can meet my monthly goals between now and then, I will be 45-50 pounds lower than the last weight he saw me at! That, and blood work will follow that visit, so I will have a good, solid 3 and a half months of healthy living under my belt! That HAS to make a difference in test results. Knowing I’ve made the call and have committed to the visit, I feel more determined to live this way every day. I want the absolute best results I’ve ever seen. The numbers are important to me, and I’ve often wondered what my Mom’s numbers looked like when she was my age. I know my parents were on a multitude of medications for every malady known to man or beast, and so far I am drug free. My cholesterol isn’t great, but still not prompting anyone to lower it by means of medicine. My blood pressure was 128/78 when I had it checked last. That’s not bad. I’ve always looked forward to blood work results in the past, and that was when I was maybe eating healthy foods, but not watching portions. Over the course of the last 25 years, I’ve whittled my choices down to life sustaining ones; some days I just ate too many of them. I wasn’t so fortunate on the mammogram appointment to be scheduled months out; I go day after tomorrow!

Another Rung of the Ladder

SIX POUNDS. I lost 6 pounds this week! I like the way those words look. I like the way they sound. Ohhhhh. I've struggled this week over numbers. I made a pot of Pasta Fagioli last weekend. It's not unlike my Minestrone in flavor, but my Minestrone is loaded with vegetables. The Pasta Fagioli was a dry bean variety mix from the grocery store with a packet of seasonings, and the only vegetables added were some onion, celery, carrot and a can to tomato sauce. A half cup was 120 calories. A CUP of my Minestrone (thanks to the veggie content)is 114. A cup of anything fills me up for a while. A half cup of something doesn't cut it. So I found myself having 1 cup portions, 240 calories, add a fruit, add a sandwich at times, and come bedtime, I was out of calories and could not settle into bed with a hot tea and SOMEthing. I won't do the Pasta Fagioli again, but I'm relieved to see the scales responded SO favorably. I just didn't like the squirrely feeling I got when at 6pm I had no play room. Sometimes I want a glass of wine with dinner. Most nights, there wasn't anything left in the calorie budget to allow it. I went without. "I went without". Those words poke sharp pins in my inner sense of deprivation; a sensation not conducive to my success. I realized it, and at one point reached out via Facebook where I was sustained by encouraging words. My next status update was as follows:

"The next time I'm teetering on the brink of caloric destruction, someone remind me how good it felt this morning to wake up and not feel defeated. I would never beat myself up over half a banana, but there could have been an avalanche had I opted to open the pantry door, and I'd have been forced to eat my way out."

It was such a relief to start a new day on the high road. It's been a good week. I've stocked my arsenal (freezer) with ammo for the week. There's a very small turkey breast. There's a tray of 4 boneless piggie steaks. There's a plump chicken for another beer can bird. Last night was baked salmon. I'm 2 pounds away from my monthly goal with 2 Saturdays left. It's working. I'm doing it. When I look at my goal sheet that is already laid out for an entire year of Saturday weigh-ins, I see where I was in August. I see where I started this new year with monthly goals. I see where I am now and look at where I have vision to be in July, and I am without words. I cannot believe it will happen, but in the swirl of the tornado right now, I know it IS happening. It IS possible!

It Worked! -4.5 pounds!

I admit to stepping on the scales during the week, so I'd be telling a fib if I said I was surprised on the scale this morning. I knew the weight was coming off. I knew I felt better. I knew I was pleasantly surprised I could pull on my jeans Thursday and had room to spare...I still have other jeans that piss me off, but for week #1 (again), this was a week of "Good", with a big "G". It was easier than I thought it would be. I "just did it". Sometime during the week, I even patted myself on the back when I realized a shorter interval had passed between the time it took me to fall off the wagon and the time I dusted myself off and got back on. So to me, it's not just a matter of having adjusted food; it's a shift in the whole wellness package for the better. I'm pretty excited that we'll be going grocery shopping this weekend. I make better choices when I'm pumped up from positive results. This week was a week of picking through what was already in the house, making use of leftovers from the New Years' Day feast. There were many more good choices on the agenda than bad. I'd say for every peak of things I should enjoy in moderation, there were 2 valleys of things I could enjoy with wild abandon. Eventually, I lost my lust for Mom's macaroni and cheese, and came to rely on collards cooked with onions and no fat, or my stewed tomatoes/onions/jalapenos/green peppers to fill in hungry spots. My biggest crutch of the week was homemade minestrone soup. One cup = 114 low fat calories, so I enjoyed it once or twice a day. It was a good week.

Day....??? Who's counting?

I feel better today, right now, in this moment, than I have felt for weeks. Weight is coming off and food is leveling out and showing signs of repair. I found a really incredibly tasty organic green tea yesterday. Now, when I say tasty, let me just preface that with the fact that I allowed it to replace my coffee today. I'm not a BIG coffee drinker like I once was...more than a mug or 2 and my stomach doesn't feel so good. But this tea...MAN! I can't describe the flavor. And I sweeten it with the loose granulated Splenda that has fiber added...just a bit. It's so good. I had 2 mugs before I left for a conference today, made a 2 mug sized travel mug to take with me, and then made another travel mug full AT the conference, though that was their version of green tea, and it wasn't as good. Point being, I haven't had or desired coffee today. And though coffee probably does not factor into my weight like a piece of chicken skin would, I like that while I'm making adjustments in my caloric intake, I'm also getting the benefits of an antioxidant. I feel like I have more energy, but it's been so long since I've done anything at all, I'm not sure where to channel it.
I had to attend a conference today. It was the 3rd in a 3 part series spread over the course of 3 months. I knew from past experience that my food choices would be treacherous terrain for me. I am the sort of person that if I screw up early in the day, the whole day is in ruins. I cannot mentally recover from a caloric error in judgement at this stage of the game. I want good results when I meet the scale on Saturday. I don't want to waste any time. The sooner I am successful, the longer I'll have to enjoy it. So while a chicken was baking and squash was steaming for dinner last night, I made mention of my dilema and my insecurities about facing the day. I debated my options. I could carry my own lunch in and eat at the table of 8, but I did that once before and became totally invisible; no one spoke to me and it made me feel awkward and ashamed. My other option was to carry my food and disappear during the choas of several hundred people getting to the restrooms and/or buffet, and go eat in my car. That was the plan that I was most comfortable with, but it's the one that very nearly made my husband mad. His rationale was that I needed to eat at the buffet, take what I could have, eat salad, and stay away from dessert. I'm too obsessive compulsive for that. It's all or nothing. I awoke with a plan. I packed myself a 70 calorie cheese stick, 30 calories worth of orange, and 200 calories of chocolate mini wheats. That was my safety net. If all else failed, I had something to fall back on. I kept it in my purse. Lunch rolled around and to my good fortune it offered salad, roast beef, mashed potatoes, gravy, green beans, rolls/butter, and enormous slices of cake that were clearly left over from Christmas parties this place catered. I positioned myself last in line so I could formulate my attack. I would bypass the salad plates, grab a dinner plate, shift back to the salad bowl and fill my dinner plate, not FULL, but fluffier than a salad plate would permit. I used half or less a ladle of honey mustard dressing, bypassed the mashed potatoes and gravy, took 2 slabs of roast beef, and filled the remaining space with green beans. No roll. No dessert. Having that stash in my purse made all the difference in the world. I had a choice!

Day 1...again

It's a new year, and with that, I recommit to a plan. When I first started doing what turned out to be the right thing for me, it was summer. As predicted, as soon as I returned to work, the "habits" I entertained on summer schedule didn't translate well to my job schedule, routine, or stress level. Bit by bit, my success deteriorated. I still ended the year with a 12 pound deficit from where I originally embraced some form of determination to make this thing happen. I've never given up, but felt defeated from time to time, each blow making me a little weaker. I resolved to get through the holidays, enjoy them (and by saying that, I do not mean my plan was to approach food with wild abandon), and begin again. I made modifications to what I've done in the past. Baked goods were still baked, but I stored them in the garage where it was near freezing or below. I was far less likely to graze, and even less likely than that to bother finding shoes to run out on the cold concrete to retrieve something. It just wasn't worth it. I drank hot tea more often to fill the void.
Now that the new year (clean slate) has arrived, I decided I'd make a conscious decision every day to do something positive towards my goal. So yesterday, I pulled out my journal where I successfully logged my foods and calories through the summer. I started a fresh section, packed my lunch for today and recorded the foods and calories. I also measured out my lunch portions of homemade minestrone soup for the remainder of the week. To that I'll add a 100 calorie yogurt and an apple each day, weighing the apple of course. Today I made several positive choices: I took the stairs on several occasions and only used the elevator at the end of the day when my knee was rebelling from returning to work. I ate my lunch at lunch time rather than eating early during my planning period. When I got home, I was hungry, but could still make thoughtful, wise decisions. I prepared myself a snack: 30g crackers, 1.5 oz American cheese and 1.5 oz beef less bologna. I weighed it and recorded it before I'd allow myself to eat it. My thought as I did so was, "I'm worth this!" I'm currently enjoying an enormous glass of decaf iced tea sweetened with splenda. Supper will be a challenge since we still have leftovers from our New Years feast. OH! That's the other thing! While the snack had me feeling empowered, I packed up all the remaining cake, cookies, candy, etc and prepared a box to take to work. I'll leave it in the teacher's lounge, fill my coffee cup, and be gone. I'm telling myself "their gain will be my loss". Nasty, I know, but if it helps me achieve my goal and humors me along the way, so be it. So I think my strides are pretty great for this only being day 2 in thought, day 1 in deed. It's not like I don't know what to do, and I do recall how much better I truly did feel when I was behaving. My knees hurt less, I could move better, I could last longer, and I enjoyed buying smaller clothes. The slate is clean, and I'm the only person allowed to write on it. It's my choice. I'm doing this for ME. Nothing tastes as good as feeling good feels...my Momma said that, so it must be true. :)