Not so bad...!

Much to my surprise and delight, I show a loss this week. A pound and a half when all was said and done. I'm not sure how it happens. I know why I was up last week, but did nothing this week that would entertain loss other than work myself into a state of stupidity. I brought a bag of work home with me for the weekend. I've entered the zone of feeling constantly behind and unprepared. My mind races with ideas as to how to reach the ever increasing needs of my students individually. When I started, I had 12 students. Now I have 23. It makes me tired and irritable, and there's little left at the end of a day to give my family. My body is rebelling. I hurt and ache. Breakfast is so rushed there's no time or coffee left to swish down the handful of vitamins and assorted supplements I found beneficial over the summer. I need a better system. Since it's gotten cooler, the morning air is crisp and I spend and extra half hour under the covers mentally preparing for my day, from what I'll wear, to what I'll eat, to what I need to make copies of as soon as I get to school, and all the home things I need to take with me for use in the classroom. Leaves are starting to fall and I just want time to stand still so I can enjoy it, but next thing you know, there won't be leaves or color in sight. I did take time out this week to cross a boundary and do something good for someone and it has given me a heightened sense of good in the world. Without going into detail, there's a family who has historically been difficult to deal with at best. I have been afraid at times. They suffered loss this week. I made them dinner, but was afraid to deliver it myself. One of my male superiors was generous and kind enough to make the delivery for me. One of the children extended himself beyond his comfort zone to greet me as I arrived to work, smile big, comment on my kindness and thank me. It was a moment I'll never forget. I showed him I cared, and he let me in. The father expressed gratitude to my superior as well. It's an inch closer to a working relationship than has ever been had before.

We had a late breakfast today at iHOP. I was feeling tremendous pride in my pound and a half victory, so I was especially careful in my choices. Funny how things like that can be positive or negative. Had I gained, I surely would have said "to Hell with it" another day and had the Bojangles fried steak biscuit with a side of tater rounds my husband originally suggested, or I'd have given great thought as to where I might get the absolute BEST sausage gravy and biscuits. Instead, I suggested iHOP and targeted their "For Me" menu where egg substitute is used and Hollandaise sauce doesn't appear. I had a spinach, mushroom, and onion omelet with a side of fresh fruit and a slice of wheat toast. My only frival was the 2 little things of creamer. I've not had creamer in months, probably won't again for sometime, but I enjoyed 2 cups of dressed up coffee today, still with Splenda. After that, we looked at yet another hot tub store, getting closer to making the purchase. I think we'll enjoy it immensely since there's little that we go out and DO throughout the week. In anticipation, I ordered a sign from a catalog this week. It says "No floozies in the jacuzzi ~ until after 9pm". After that, we hit the local consignment store we visited last weekend in search of a bathroom vanity/dressing table. They had several, but what came closer to what we had in mind was a "ladies desk". It's cherry, as is our sink vanity, and aside from a few very small blemishes,it's a beautiful piece of furniture. We got it and a nice woven stool to go with it. We went to Tuesday Morning next door and bought a nice lighted makeup mirror and a hinged box to store all the things that go in to making me presentable to the outside world. A smaller piece of furniture would be ideal, but we both agreed if we find one in the future, this desk would look nice anywhere in the house for use AS a desk, so we went ahead and got it before someone else snatched it up. Fortunately since we spotted it last weekend, the store had been closed for 5 days for vacation and only reopened today or it would not have still been there for sure.

Off to grocery shop...that always goes better and cheaper too when there's loss at the scales. I make better choices. Hopefully I'll blog again before next Saturday. It really does help me stay on the wagon. Have a good week! Let's all be losers!

Shucks

I had no intention of this becoming a weekly thing. I was doing so much better when it was daily. This has been an exceptionally rough work week with very high highs and very low lows. Food has been crazy at best. I tend to put the needs of my students ahead of my own, and with so MANY this year, I'm pretty low on the totem pole. I haven't taken a vitamin or joint soother all week and my parts are feeling it. I went in at 7am and left at 6pm. I crave the routine and discipline I had this summer and wonder if I'll ever lose another pound. God forbid I gain back what I've lost. I'm on a precarious spot, still close to the river I waited so long to cross; I dare not gain myself so close to the water's edge. I don't anticipate good news at the scale tomorrow and I have only myself to blame. It's been a week of Pizza Hut pizza and sweet Lebanon bologna sandwiches on white bread with real mayo. I've had my water, but in the form of hot green tea. Despite that, I wore a straight skirt today I've not managed to wear in probably 8 years. I felt pretty...maybe even sexy. Did I say THAT??? Oh my!

My husband bought me my own digital camera this week. It was supposed to be a Christmas present, but when I mentioned I'd like to look at one last weekend, he had to spill the beans and tell me there was one on the way. I can use it for work, but also for my own crazy shots of plated meals. That helped me do better this past summer...sort of a visual journal. I had been filling my husband's camera with pictures of my meals and manicures...he thought it a bit weird and decided it was time for me to have my own technology. .I know this slump is temporary, but I felt so alive when I was doing it right. Now I'm saturated with the needs of students with disabilities, 23 students in all, and I'm overwhelmed. Some nights I only sleep 5-6 hours, but I require 8-10 to maintain ANY sense of humor at all. This is my next 8 months, so I best make peace with the challenges before they kill me. We'll see what tomorrow brings and hope for the best, right?! I'm happy to see my blogger friend "Sib" has signed on. :) Lift me up ladies!!! I'm floundering!!!

Oh well

Posting from my new iPad! :) Today showed a gain. Not a big surprise. The curse came early with a vengeance. I literally sat at my desk yesterday and unwrapped Hershey kisses, lined them up, and ate them by the handful just because I could. I ate out last night to celebrate my brother-in-law's birthday. After much debate we ended up at a Chinese restaurant. I ordered a grilled sirloin with baked potato and Chinese veggies. it was divine. My gain was all of 2.5 pounds and I'm totally ok with that given the crazy wild

Totally Baffled

I couldn't help myself. After yesterday's surprise loss I had to step on the scale this morning to see if my eyes had deceived me. I'm down another 1/2 pound! Scales haven't really moved much in the weeks I've been back to work. I've written about that and recorded my ponderings. I knew I was inching back to where I needed to be as far as accountability, but I didn't think I was there yet. So was my "there", the place I thought I needed to be, just a little off plumb? Maybe this, my here and now, is it. I'm at a loss for words. I picture myself doing a tightrope walk on fishing line. That's how precarious my consumptions have been. Can I continue to live this way? I mean, is it really that simple? I have not eaten anything I did not carefully consider first. I haven't grazed. I've stopped eating before feeling FULL, so I've learned at what point satisfaction comes without needing to be FULL. Have I learned my lesson, cut and dry, in the previous weeks of seeing what a reasonable portion looks like, knowing I can eat from smaller plates and bowls and still be full? Is that all it took? I know after I weighed this morning, I felt very noble taking my cute, ubber small pottery bowl that matches my niece's from the cabinet, and though it was nearly 11:00am before I was having my first morsel of food, I was firm in my decision to have the little bowl of Fruit and Yogurt Special K and a splash of skim milk. Have a found Mecca? The place where I personally can live and breathe and not weigh every morsel, pare down a pork chop to give me no more and no less than 3 exact ounces; a place where it's ok if "28 grams" is in reality 24 or 32? Or is it all because I've been sick? My husband thinks a body burns more calories fighting infection. I'm still not well. My sinuses are goopey and there's still some chest congestion, but overall I'm ok. I haven't pushed water for over a week. I'm not dehydrated. My beverage of choice has been hot decaf tea with Splenda. Water here and there without measure. Wine, for sure. Coffee, but I've come to a place where I can no longer graze a full pot all day; 2 mugs is my max, and I never ever consume it at work anymore. I'll brew a mug of morning tea there, and otherwise sip water throughout the day from the same mug, maybe one or 2 mugs worth. I just don't know. Yesterday's breakfast was a skinny slab of polenta, a scrambled agg, and 1.5 strips of thick cut bacon. Lunch was left over Lo Mein from the night before; what I didn't eat for supper. Supper last night was "a pork chop" and a side of roasted red potatoes and green bean steamers. Snack had been Spinach dip and chips.

A Rough Week Punctuated with Good News!

I've been a sick puppy this week. It all started last weekend with a sore throat and ran its course through the week to include head and chest congestion. Tuesday was the worst, but coming home and going straight to bed for 12 hours seemed to turn things around. I didn't bother writing down a single morsel of food, and there were MANY! Sick foods are different from well foods. My diet has included canned soups, an entire bag of Fritoes for the throat itch and saltiness to heal the wounds, water only in the form of hot tea, little fruit, fewer veggies, lots of pudding and yogurt, and several single serve portions of macaroni and cheese. Wine was particularly good for washing down my daily ClaritinD and inducing sleep. I wasn't expecting good news at the scale. I even weighed twice, in disbelief. I lost 3.5 pounds this week! That lands me squarely on MINUS THIRTY POUNDS! It feels surreal to see it, to say it, to type it...Thirty doesn't "feel" like I thought it would. I know I'm wearing non-stretch pants loosely now that I was totally unable to wear at all last year, and had put away the previous year when the legs would "catch" on my calves and ride up...that, and there was noteable stress on the zipper that isn't there now. I still jiggle, I'm still not proportional, I still can't play the piano...but I do see change. Sadly, it's only visible to me and the cats in front of the bathroom mirror. I see dips and curves emerging where there used to be more "plumpness". Skin is relaxed and not stretched. My bras have put out their vacancy sign. So it's happening. Ideally, I guess I had hoped the 30 pounds would exclusively target my rump and ham sized thighs, but I know in time they too will melt away. I know that's "negative talk", but my butt and thighs have made me feel bad about myself forever, so I have no intention to befriend them now.

SUNday!

I'm seeing the light. Yesterday was a conscious effort to reel myself back in to what I know is right. We slept late, and missed "breakfast" time. Too early for "lunch", so we dilly dallied some more before leaving the house to run errands. Hubby wanted to eat out, have "brunch", but by the time we got our poop in a scoop, it was clearly lunchtime. He suggested Denny's. One, the service is ridiculously slow; we'd have to call it "lupper". Then he suggested iHop. I can do iHop...I already know where to look on their menu. Only everybody else had the same idea and the line was out the door. We decided to try our favorite Mexican restaurant in their new location. Immediately we were served chips, salsa, and this WONDERFUL creamy white sauce they have. I don't care for their salsa, but could wallow in the white sauce. I waited until I picked my entree before indulging....see, I was thinking! I picked the Azteca Salad and ordered it without dressing. It had grilled chicken, steak and shrimp on a bed of salad veggies, and just the slightest sprinkling of grated cheese. I was HAPPY! The meat was seasoned just enough that dressing wasn't necessary, and because it didn't have the usual taco shell bowl, I felt no guilt whatsoever in grazing on chips and white sauce while waiting for the meal to arrive. Normally, I could polish off the little bowl of sauce by myself and sit there hoping they'd offer to bring more. I made the choice to lay the chip on the surface of the dip rather than DIP the chip. I got the same flavor, and used maybe 1/3 of the dip, leaving most of the bowl behind. Of course, then I get home and have no idea how many calories to put down in my little book, and there was dinner to be had at some point. My husband and I put our heads together and decided to allot 600 calories for what I consumed. It may have been more or less, but should have been sufficient. Hubby's meal was way bigger, so when supper time arrived, I was hungry and he wasn't so much. We decided on a cold supper on the deck with wine. We had smoked salmon, red onion, and light cream cheese on olive oil and sea salt flatbread crackers, with a side of fresh pineapple and cantloupe. Wine and all, we rang that up at 598 calories. Bedtime was a cup of chocolate Silk soy milk and a serving of Reduced Fat Nilla Wafers.

Breakfast today was "brunch". I did peppers, onions, mushrooms and ham in a skillet with Pam, then took 2 eggs and 1/2 cup of whites and scrambled them alone. I microwaved 3 slices of thick cut bacon. I made breakfast for the 3 of us wrapping 1/3 of everything in a full lavash sheet with 3/4 oz American Cheese on the bottom so it would melt s I constructed and folded them into pocket sandwiches. One pocket and a cup of reduced sugar OJ came out right on 400 calories. It was delish! Tonight might be spaghetti...the turkey manwich was so good the other night, I'm thinking it would make a phenominal sauce for spaghetti made by the Manwich directions and added to canned spaghetti sauce...jus' thinking... But it's SO gorgeous out, it might be nice to grill out and stay on the deck til after dark with a fire in the chiminea. Summer is almost all used up...

OH!!! What I forgot to mention was, the half pound I was up yesterday and ANOTHER half pound were gone today! I NEED to weigh myself every day JUST to see how foods affect me sodium-wise, and the Azteca had me a little worried, so I was happy to see no damage done for having had a meal I literally was not prepared for...I was still thinking "Light Side Whole Wheat Pecan Pancakes with Egg Substitute and Sliced Bananas" when confronted with going South of the Border! Ole!

A Close One...

Today was weigh day. No surprise, I'm up 1/2 pound. No tears...I've admittedly been sloppy in my record keeping this week and made conscious decisions to not write everything down. This week was better than last in the food arena, so I think my little gain is in response to previous sins. Last week, when I was bad, I was bad with bad food. This week, if I was bad, I overindulged in good food. Mentally, I see myself reeling myself back in to what I need to do, I'm just not there yet. I have one more major work hurdle to cross and then I'm smoothe sailing in open waters. This coming Wednesday night is our Back-to-School night where parents come and go through their child's schedule, meeting for each class, seeing the classrooms, learning about what the kids have been doing, fiddling with lockers, and making it to the next class in time on the bell. It's kind of fun, but historically my kids' parents don't attend. I'm like the Maytag repairman, ready and waiting. Two or 3 might come out of 23. Last year, 2 out of 19 came. I always try and offer incentive and bake cookies, serve cider, etc in hopes of engaging interest; believe it or not, having 2 attend is an increase. So on top of getting up at 5am, working from 7:30am, I'll be on the clock for little or nothing until 8:30pm. I come home in a coma and have to get up at 5am to do it all again the next day. Once that comes and goes, every day will be pretty much routine until Thanksgiving, when I'd like to have 15 more pounds gone. Seems like wishful thinking at this rate of loss, but I know it's ultimately my choices and I have to do better, and I obviously know I can. I've chosen not to these past few weeks, but I'm closer to right than wrong at this stage of the game.

Today is gorgeous here. A steady breeze from the impending hurricane system. The breeze is likely all we'll see. I'll get my nails done at some point today or tomorrow, and bake cookies for Wednesday. Otherwise, no plans, just a good book on standby, and that's enough for me. Off to prepare a brunch of sorts.

Is It Friday Yet?

I'm loving my new work schedule. It's like having an extra planning period every day, and it gives me what time I need to physically leave work at work at the end of the day. I still bring home mental baggage, but there's no getting around that. Papers are graded and grades are entered into the computer for parents to view the very same day work was completed. I've never been THAT on-the-ball. My lesson plans are made for the next 2 weeks. That makes me feel good.

Food was good today. My fridge at work seems to be freezing 75% of the contents. Not sure what that's about, but it will have some impact on how I do lunches next week. I have liked very much taking "groceries" in on Monday and having food on hand for the week rather than packing mine and hubby's lunch nightly. With him having been gone, and now he's taking vacation days, I'm off the lunch packing detail until Tuesday, so perhaps I can figure something out by then. I like very much the Buddig brand packaged meats for lunch. 90 calories for the whole pack....easy cheesy. Then I also found Laughing Cow soft cheese wedges in Chipotle flavor....oh...need I say how much I DO love those! I use them in place of a condiment and it satisfies not only my love of cheese, but also gives and ooey-gooey mayo-esque faux condiment indulgence for a mere 35 yummy calories! I felt like a cow eating 2oz of brocolli slaw in my pita wraps, so I'll have to find a veggie substitution. It didn't help that THAT was the first item to freeze. 2 oz of brocolli slaw is, well, a LOT. I don't recommend it.

I'm enjoying, let me say that in caps...I'M ENJOYING a glass of Georgia On My Mind peach wine right now...a souvenir from our Chattanooga trip and an excursion to Georgia Winery. Hubby is out mowing. Dinner is likely to be white pizza with mushrooms and spinach and a side salad. I have 600 calories left for the day. I'm not hungry. That's what I like about doing "it" right. It's when I'm off track that I get squirrely and feel like a bottomless pit.

I bought 2 books last night. What in the Hell does that have to do with ANYthing, you ask? Well, this time of year, as the weather gets cool, I crave things. I crave bad things. Least of all evils is popcorn. I keep all varieties of popcorn on hand for "moments"...but I crave spices....cinnamon, ginger, cloves, brown sugar and stuff that Fall is made of. Hubby and I have made ritual of making a pot, a REAL teapot of tea, and we retire to the bedroom with it at night and polish it off over tv or movies. It somewhat squelches the cravings, but I often want zucchini bread, banana bread, ginger rolls, etc. Hard to fight those seasonal wants; even more difficult to categorize them as wants and not needs. But this runs parallel to my enjoyment found in reading. A good book will take my mind off food, and I can read until my eyelids are heavy. It buys me Grace. So last night I bought The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, and the second one in the series. I was delighted to see that the price in paperbacks has come WAY down with the rise in popularity of techno-books. I like real books. Odd, because I didn't enjoy reading at all until 40 was past tense. I don't know what happened. I never liked reading as a child, and damned near refused to do it at all in high school. I could count on 1 hand the number of books I read in high school, and of all the book reports I did, most were done by reading the book jacket. I remember in one instance, my Mom read the book FOR me the night before the report was due and helped me get through the dreaded book report. It was on Harry Houdini. It wasn't the first time Mom bailed me out, and certainly not the last. Reading just wasn't my thing, and she was ok with that. Wine makes me get off track. So I bought the first 2 books in the series. The third was there, but not available in paperback yet. I figured reading the first one was a committment to read them all, so I went the low road and committed to paperback rather than waiting in line for the few copies at the library. Number 3 will have to wait, and chances are good it'll be in paperback before I'm done with these 2. This being part of my lifestyle change strategy too...it gets my mind off things and makes me sleepy. Can't eat while I sleep, so there you go.

Whew!

This week is flying by, but in a good way. I say that, but food hasn't been terrific. I've been careful, but I haven't been precise. Yesterday, I wasn't even careful at supper. With hubby out of town, my son and I ate out. Normally I make better choices, but last night I WANTED a grilled steak sandwich with grilled portabellas and onions. It had mayo and some sort of cheese on a roll. It was wonderful! I had red potato salad with it instead of chips, not that that's a better choice, but it was a choice nonetheless. Then we polished off the evening with a soft serve frozen custard from our local place EVERYbody has gone for decades. This was my first time there in probably 4 years. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed alone time with my kid. I enjoyed that my kid made all the suggestions; translation: he was ok with spending time with me at the ripe old age of 16. My breakfast and lunch all week has been pre-measured, weighed and calculated with the exception of the fact that SOME of my broccoli slaw for putting in a wrap froze solid in my little classroom fridge. One of my V-8's was semi-frozen like soft serve. Yuck!!!! I wasn't woman enough partake of a V8 smoothie. Today I'm totally back on track. Hubby got home from his business trip around midnight last night, so my life has returned to normal. I've slacked on water. I'm a creature of habit and when my routine goes to Hell, I fall apart. I knew there'd be a period of transition, and soon it will all fall in place. I've let dirty dishes stack up since in-laws were here Sunday; no motivation to deal with unloading and reloading a dishwasher. I dealt with it as soon as I got home today, kitchen is cleaned, and dishes are washing. Supper will be Manwich made with turkey and oven fries with a side salad. I feel better when I do the right thing, it's just sometimes I have no juice left in me and I manage by dealing with only the very highest priorities. Sometimes, some stuff just doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.