My in-laws just left a little while ago. They stopped by and we had a nice lunch. I had all the makings for meat and cheese sandwiches, reduced fat chips, a variety of fresh fruit already cut up, and there are still leftover birthday cupcakes. I did myself a favor and put them in a 9x13 pan with a cover and have kept them in the garage refridgerator...out of sight, out of mind. It was fun because we got to use my cool fish plates and bowls. I've jumped through hoops before to cook all day and have what I thought they'd enjoy, but this was nice and relaxed and next to effortless, and they seemed to enjoy it as much as meals I've busted a hump to prepare. They have no problem drinking wine at 11am, but I declined. I also declined the cupcake and the "slaw" to dip my weighed out portion of chips. "Slaw" is a NC thing. To me, it's like 1000 Island dressing with sweet relish stirred in. I like it ok, but it's something like 70 cal/2T, and for that, I far more enjoy 14g of real mayo on an awesome sandwich. I should have taken a picture, and even considered it, but they didn't ask too many questions when I built my sandwich on the digital scales, so I wasn't going to put myself out there. They didn't seem to notice any weight loss, or if they did, they didn't say, but I'm not sure they'd say if they HAD noticed. They love me regardless, so much so, I'm comfortable around them without makeup, though I do "do" my hair a little, moisturize, and add a little lipstick. I'm a little un-nerved right now because I learned during their visit that my sister-in-law has decided my marriage is in trouble, and that according to her my husband acts differently than he did before he married me, and that he's unhappy and I'm the reason. My mother-in-law takes everything this person says with a grain of salt, and they have a long history of clashing personalities. I know she chose to share this with me because she knew she could, and by doing so, I know she knows the accusations could not be farther from the truth. If she suspected anything was wrong, she would have never said anything. It hurts though. It hurts to think someone is out there saying my husband was happier before he met me.
Ok...that's out of me now, so I can move on. You have to see my cookies! I am so proud of these. I just want to quit my day job and make outrageous cookies!! I was up til 1am painting each one by hand, but it was SO fun and rewarding. It stroked the creative side of me that doesn't get out much. By 1:00, my glazes were thickening and I was way past tired, so the last 5 leaves got painted solid red, and those were the ones my son and in-laws were allowed to eat; those and the one painted one that the stem fell off. The apples are hand cut, as I don't have an apple shaped cookie cutter. It entertained the side of me that used to LOVE to dye Easter eggs. Let's just say, I was really tired when I finally went to bed.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Weigh-Day!
Good news! I am not a casualty of war this week. It's been a hard one across the board, just re-adjusting to routine that's dictated more by student needs than my own. Mine seem pretty low on the totem at this stage of adjustment. I am down ONE POUND from last Saturday, putting me at -27 for the year and down 4 1/2 for the month of August. Clean slate. New month. I'm going to lower my expectations and shoot for 5 pounds a month, and then wallow in the glory if I can exceed that goal. I need something to wallow in and it need not be doom, gloom and self-pity. These four weeks have been turbulent, so a 4.5 loss is still a victory. My tendency is to ride a downward spiral into a black abyss when things don't go my way. It's a learned behavior that needs modification. I learned it over a course of 45 years and it had reinforcements; I have steadily gained awareness over the past 23, but have only been working on change for 6 weeks. I should also mention while pulling up my boot straps, of the 27 pounds gone since December, 15 of them have been in response to conscious efforts in the aforementioned 6 weeks. No shame there! This month was good testament to the shift that's taking place. I didn't go deep into the abyss, but felt the suction and spent a lot of energy to breathe through my nose and not succumb to the forces that seemingly were against me, both real and imagined. I'm getting better at differentiating and setting boundaries...perimeters, as I like to say.
Today I'm doing something fun in addition to the usual laundry and de-dog-hairing my house. We have a new Superintendent and Assistant Superintendent starting Wednesday. We, as a faculty and staff, are putting together gift baskets for each, kind of a collection of our personal talents outside of teaching. A little giving of ourselves as a down home welcome. I'm making some cookies. Not just ANY cookie! These are way cool! They are a work of art! I'll post pictures tomorrow night. It's a process...make dough, chill dough, roll dough, cut dough, bake dough, cool cookies, PAINT cookies, dry cookies, dry cookies some more, attempt to stack cookies, find that cookies need to dry more...I'm excited about it. I haven't done anything outside-the-box in a while. It's fun when you get to reveal hidden talents and have people see you in a different light.
Tomorrow my in-laws are popping in for a visit. They've been in the area to help my sister-in-law out; she's having a health crisis and has 2 children with disabilities to care for by day while brother-in-law works. Nice that they're coming, you know, since it's just me here. Son might be here depending on when they come. He's in the woods today. Tomorrow he wants some down time to swim "off the clock" with friends. We both need a little time off the clock this weekend. Off to begin mine! :)
Today I'm doing something fun in addition to the usual laundry and de-dog-hairing my house. We have a new Superintendent and Assistant Superintendent starting Wednesday. We, as a faculty and staff, are putting together gift baskets for each, kind of a collection of our personal talents outside of teaching. A little giving of ourselves as a down home welcome. I'm making some cookies. Not just ANY cookie! These are way cool! They are a work of art! I'll post pictures tomorrow night. It's a process...make dough, chill dough, roll dough, cut dough, bake dough, cool cookies, PAINT cookies, dry cookies, dry cookies some more, attempt to stack cookies, find that cookies need to dry more...I'm excited about it. I haven't done anything outside-the-box in a while. It's fun when you get to reveal hidden talents and have people see you in a different light.
Tomorrow my in-laws are popping in for a visit. They've been in the area to help my sister-in-law out; she's having a health crisis and has 2 children with disabilities to care for by day while brother-in-law works. Nice that they're coming, you know, since it's just me here. Son might be here depending on when they come. He's in the woods today. Tomorrow he wants some down time to swim "off the clock" with friends. We both need a little time off the clock this weekend. Off to begin mine! :)
Friday, August 27, 2010
TGiF
One week down. How many to go??? Let's see....180 days,5 days in a school week, so 36, one down, 35 to go...
It wasn't a terrible week. Food was pretty ok most days, but there were several times I ate things and was unable to be totally accurate in knowing what I had or had not eaten, and that's all it takes to make me feel defeated some days. And then, it basically boils down to all my energy going in to work, so I come home a little more exhausted each day of the week. By last night, I was so beat driving home, I was afraid I'd cause an accident. I've never been tired to the point of having nausea, but last night, supper was a mere 200 calories, I still had almost 500 left after that, but by 7:30pm, I was in bed asleep. I've never been so spent. I slept until the alarm went off at 5am. I'm not as tired tonight, but last night was following 2 nights of very little sleep. Emotionally, it's been frustrating because when I sneak a peek at the scales, my weight isn't going down, and it's because of the gray area this week and losing the precision. When I wasn't working, I was nailing food and exercise, never hungry, and experienced "balance" like I've not known in so long. I've had moments of real grief this week because I'm struggling to maintain what I worked so hard to put in to motion. What was starting to seem easy and spontaneous has become rigorous this week. I've got nothing left at the end of my days for exercise. Most nights, I struggle to process my options for dinner. Some days I didn't get my water in. I have the past 2 days. Breakfast one morning was a breakfast cookie with the calories printed on the label JUST so I could dodge having to weigh food, calculate calories, and write everything down, itemized. I enjoyed that month of summer where my freedom allowed me the necessary time to do the right thing, but now it's stressing me out and I feel like my success is dangling by a thread. Once this week, when I peeked at the scales, I was on the wrong side of the river!!! I was back where I was supposed to be this morning, but I don't foresee loss at the scales tomorrow. I'll be surprised if there's even a fraction of a pound gone, and that's with last week's little gain too. I've lost the rhythm things had. I'm not giving up; just venting. Tonight I had roughly 800+ calories left going in to supper. My son had to be back to school for band at 5 to travel to an away game, so there was no point in driving 20 miles home only to turn around and go back. Plus, husband left for Mississippi with work today and will be gone a week, so (i don't cook...) ;) Still, son needed supper, so we went Mexican. I ordered with care. I had a grilled vegetable quesadilla that had lettuce, guacamole, and sour cream on the side, and also rice. We nibbled on salsa and chips beforehand, and I drank water putting me over 64oz today. What I had could NOT have exceeded 800+ calories, so I hope I'm good with that. Maybe the scales will surprise me. We'll see...
It wasn't a terrible week. Food was pretty ok most days, but there were several times I ate things and was unable to be totally accurate in knowing what I had or had not eaten, and that's all it takes to make me feel defeated some days. And then, it basically boils down to all my energy going in to work, so I come home a little more exhausted each day of the week. By last night, I was so beat driving home, I was afraid I'd cause an accident. I've never been tired to the point of having nausea, but last night, supper was a mere 200 calories, I still had almost 500 left after that, but by 7:30pm, I was in bed asleep. I've never been so spent. I slept until the alarm went off at 5am. I'm not as tired tonight, but last night was following 2 nights of very little sleep. Emotionally, it's been frustrating because when I sneak a peek at the scales, my weight isn't going down, and it's because of the gray area this week and losing the precision. When I wasn't working, I was nailing food and exercise, never hungry, and experienced "balance" like I've not known in so long. I've had moments of real grief this week because I'm struggling to maintain what I worked so hard to put in to motion. What was starting to seem easy and spontaneous has become rigorous this week. I've got nothing left at the end of my days for exercise. Most nights, I struggle to process my options for dinner. Some days I didn't get my water in. I have the past 2 days. Breakfast one morning was a breakfast cookie with the calories printed on the label JUST so I could dodge having to weigh food, calculate calories, and write everything down, itemized. I enjoyed that month of summer where my freedom allowed me the necessary time to do the right thing, but now it's stressing me out and I feel like my success is dangling by a thread. Once this week, when I peeked at the scales, I was on the wrong side of the river!!! I was back where I was supposed to be this morning, but I don't foresee loss at the scales tomorrow. I'll be surprised if there's even a fraction of a pound gone, and that's with last week's little gain too. I've lost the rhythm things had. I'm not giving up; just venting. Tonight I had roughly 800+ calories left going in to supper. My son had to be back to school for band at 5 to travel to an away game, so there was no point in driving 20 miles home only to turn around and go back. Plus, husband left for Mississippi with work today and will be gone a week, so (i don't cook...) ;) Still, son needed supper, so we went Mexican. I ordered with care. I had a grilled vegetable quesadilla that had lettuce, guacamole, and sour cream on the side, and also rice. We nibbled on salsa and chips beforehand, and I drank water putting me over 64oz today. What I had could NOT have exceeded 800+ calories, so I hope I'm good with that. Maybe the scales will surprise me. We'll see...
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
On the Fence
Yesterday and today have been challenging. I haven't blown it, but somewhere within each day I've had caloric challenges where I didn't prepare the food and have no idea what it's worth and eat it anyway. My son's birthday was yesterday, but he had band practice last night from 6-8 so that threw out any plans to celebrate as a family. Still, I'm the Mom and I want his day to be special in some way even though he suggested we could just do something tonight instead. I decided to take him to Macados after work, but before band, just the 2 of us. In fact, we were together at 5:25, the very minute he came into this world 16 years ago. It means more to me than it does him, but anyway, it was special. I prepared myself to order an appetizer to eat while he ate his sandwich; I knew I still had to come home and have dinner! All the appetizers were bad choices. I was a little interested in the nachoes, but it said on the menu it serves 2. I asked them to make me a half order, and they wouldn't, insisting they were so good I'd want the whole thing if that's all I was ordering. Clearly they are not on the same journey as me. I went to the salad section and settled on the salad with the longest list of veggies. Long story short, they brought me a platter of salad piled all the higher because of the mound of cheeses and bacon, 2 side bowls of dressing, and 3 pieces of french bread with melted cheese on top. I forked my dressing and left a slice of bread, but otherwise ate what was in front of me. I had the best intentions...so I came home and didn't eat supper afterall in hopes there'd be some balance. I was dog tired and went to bed at my usual time. Husband came much later, near midnight, and the stampede of 2 cats and 2 dogs awoke me from a very sound sleep, to which I never returned. I saw the clock every hour of the night at least once and finally got up before the 5am alarm...madder than a wet cat.
It took every ounce of my being to be everything my students needed today. I'm tired. My head spins with good ideas, but time runs out, I pack my bags and come home. My son had Ultimate Frisbee pratice tonight til 4. We ran by our favorite sushi place and ordered 4 assorted rolls and got 2 free CA rolls; brought those home for his birthday meal of choice, as is the tradition. I figured it was a pretty healthy choice, and I had over 500 calories left to spend with breakfast and lunch being well planned. So 6 rolls total, I put 2 slices of each roll on my plate and that was dinner. No idea whatsoever what the calories would be, but you know, my son turning 16 is cause for celebration, and for all the ways it could have gone, I'm celebrating the fact that he is not obese, he's physically fit and active, and he asked for raw fish for his birthday meal. He didn't even want a cake, but got a batch of cupcakes my husband made for him. In 2 weeks, I'm willing to bet there will be cupcakes left. Something about the same mix and the same frosting in cake form makes one (ME) inclined to have a slab. I can co-habitate with cupcakes and not pay them much attention. I'll have one later tonight because it is what it is, and I'll have some half fat ice cream. Am I focused? No. Have I given up? No. I'm living the week I dreaded most and doing the best I can with the added demands, degree of tiredness, sore legs and feet from standing all day, and eating lunch in 10 minutes or less while I multi-task at things I would otherwise forget about until it was too late. My new schedule DOES however make it possible for me to not bring work home. My energy level with the kids is far higher. So far, day 3, and my class is a room of happy children whom I can make laugh, and so far I have entertained them to the extent that I've not had to call for reinforcements or refer for disciplinary action. Did I mention how freakin' tired I am at the end of the day?!? I hope my luck continues. One of my co-workers mentioned my weight loss today!!!! Yay!! It made me feel bashful because I had abandoned hope that it was noticeable. She said she could tell in my neck and chin area. When I dressed this morning and did makeup, I could see it too, but I fear I look like a deflated lawn ornament, where the fan isn't blowing real hard. I think it takes forever to lose belly, hips, and bum. I'll keep on doing what I'm doing, no doubt, but it's time for me to gird up my loins and give it 100% again. This is the week I knew would tax me; it's really testing me, but I'm ok. I didn't get my water in yesterday, but I drank more today. I'm well aware of where I fall short, and am looking forward to a weekend to reconnect with myself. Oh, and did I mention I've been eating bad pork all week? My taco meat, the ground pork I started it with, was apparently nearing its prime. It took me 2 days to decide the 8 pre-measured and frozen containers of prepared lunches would have to go, so today was a Lean Cuisine Spaghetti. I need to rethink all this this weekend and get away from so much sodium...maybe I'll bake a turkey breast. Time to re-vamp my plan of attack since I know the impact going back to work has on my level of dedication.
It took every ounce of my being to be everything my students needed today. I'm tired. My head spins with good ideas, but time runs out, I pack my bags and come home. My son had Ultimate Frisbee pratice tonight til 4. We ran by our favorite sushi place and ordered 4 assorted rolls and got 2 free CA rolls; brought those home for his birthday meal of choice, as is the tradition. I figured it was a pretty healthy choice, and I had over 500 calories left to spend with breakfast and lunch being well planned. So 6 rolls total, I put 2 slices of each roll on my plate and that was dinner. No idea whatsoever what the calories would be, but you know, my son turning 16 is cause for celebration, and for all the ways it could have gone, I'm celebrating the fact that he is not obese, he's physically fit and active, and he asked for raw fish for his birthday meal. He didn't even want a cake, but got a batch of cupcakes my husband made for him. In 2 weeks, I'm willing to bet there will be cupcakes left. Something about the same mix and the same frosting in cake form makes one (ME) inclined to have a slab. I can co-habitate with cupcakes and not pay them much attention. I'll have one later tonight because it is what it is, and I'll have some half fat ice cream. Am I focused? No. Have I given up? No. I'm living the week I dreaded most and doing the best I can with the added demands, degree of tiredness, sore legs and feet from standing all day, and eating lunch in 10 minutes or less while I multi-task at things I would otherwise forget about until it was too late. My new schedule DOES however make it possible for me to not bring work home. My energy level with the kids is far higher. So far, day 3, and my class is a room of happy children whom I can make laugh, and so far I have entertained them to the extent that I've not had to call for reinforcements or refer for disciplinary action. Did I mention how freakin' tired I am at the end of the day?!? I hope my luck continues. One of my co-workers mentioned my weight loss today!!!! Yay!! It made me feel bashful because I had abandoned hope that it was noticeable. She said she could tell in my neck and chin area. When I dressed this morning and did makeup, I could see it too, but I fear I look like a deflated lawn ornament, where the fan isn't blowing real hard. I think it takes forever to lose belly, hips, and bum. I'll keep on doing what I'm doing, no doubt, but it's time for me to gird up my loins and give it 100% again. This is the week I knew would tax me; it's really testing me, but I'm ok. I didn't get my water in yesterday, but I drank more today. I'm well aware of where I fall short, and am looking forward to a weekend to reconnect with myself. Oh, and did I mention I've been eating bad pork all week? My taco meat, the ground pork I started it with, was apparently nearing its prime. It took me 2 days to decide the 8 pre-measured and frozen containers of prepared lunches would have to go, so today was a Lean Cuisine Spaghetti. I need to rethink all this this weekend and get away from so much sodium...maybe I'll bake a turkey breast. Time to re-vamp my plan of attack since I know the impact going back to work has on my level of dedication.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Today was a good day
I'm tired tonight, but not as tired as I thought I would be. I got up at 5:00am so I could leisurely take my shower, enjoy my coffee, do hair and make-up, dress, eat, and leave in plenty of time to still be at work early. I was able to wear a dress I haven't worn since I interviewed for the job 5 years ago. One co-worker commented that she liked my outfit, but still, no one has noticed/mentioned the weight loss. A student wrote me a note today; she wrote, "I think you are beautiful.". That made me feel special because I FELT beautiful today....a long, black linen dress with a rounded neckline, a short sleeved jacket over top, strawberries and blossoms embroidered in the front/center of the dress and in the corners of the bottom edge of the jacket in front, Mom's pearls and drop pearl earrings, my black nails and a big, sparkly red gemstone ring. It was especially nice to be able to leave at a decent hour with me not having a 6th period class. Once I settle in to the new routine of things, I shouldn't have any problem getting to the Y for a good, solid workout before it's time to start supper. Not going to worry about that this week; still having to medicate around the clock, and since I'm up much earlier, I find I need snacks morning and afternoon, so I'm still tweeking my food intake to maintain the balance I've found without running out of calories. This evening I ran by Starbucks for my weekend treat I never made time for over the weekend. I got a short non-fat green tea latte...very nice! Right on the cusp of tasting like fall. It was a good day...
Sunday, August 22, 2010
I Just Did Something I'm REALLY Ashamed Of...
Call me paranoid, but I went back to my older post from the other day and edited it, taking out parts I thought might come back to bite me professionally. I also bleeped a comment for the same reason, NOT because I personally objected to it. In fact, I would have loved to have kept the second part of it that referenced my Mom, but I couldn't figure out how to remove part of a comment...it took it all away. So PLEASE don't be offended. I also took my picture off. As far as I know, I only have 2 regular readers, but it's up for grabs, right? Better to be safe than sorry. It felt good to dump my emotions that day, and in the grand scheme of things, it wasn't a day I care to look back on and relive at any time in the future, so....sorry.
I'm posting some new pictures today. :) I slept very late today. Early morning cramps required I pull out the big guns and take a Rx that renders me able to sleep REALLY well once the discomfort subsides. I slept until almost 11:30. I awoke feeling fabulous, but know I'm on borrowed time before the next dose. I was a meal behind with calories to spare so I made nachos. Again, using the digital scale, I measured 1 oz of tortilla chips, used 2 oz taco seasoned pork, 1 oz black beans, 1 oz mexican cheese blend, microwaved til hot and melted. Topped with 1 oz shredded lettuce, 1.25 oz tomato, 1 oz pico de gallo, and 1 oz fat free sour cream. For 449 calories, it was a divine explosion of flavor!
I'm also posting the items I made mention of the other day; the note from Mom, the flip side with Dad's note, and photos of the sweetner holder I gave Mom when we met our goal in weight loss 23 years ago. It was in her purse when she died and it had Splenda in it so I know she used it. Splenda wasn't around when I gave it to her; I had put Equal in it. There'll be more pictures. I'm finally going to Pier1 this afternoon for my dishes!!! :)
PS~ I also update the photo of the flowers my husband surprised me with the other day. They were still in their plastic sleeve and laying sideways on the table when I took the first shot. This updated photo is how beautiful they still are today in a gorgeous irridescent red vase he gave me for my birthday a year ago from Fenton. He's a pretty good catch.
I'm posting some new pictures today. :) I slept very late today. Early morning cramps required I pull out the big guns and take a Rx that renders me able to sleep REALLY well once the discomfort subsides. I slept until almost 11:30. I awoke feeling fabulous, but know I'm on borrowed time before the next dose. I was a meal behind with calories to spare so I made nachos. Again, using the digital scale, I measured 1 oz of tortilla chips, used 2 oz taco seasoned pork, 1 oz black beans, 1 oz mexican cheese blend, microwaved til hot and melted. Topped with 1 oz shredded lettuce, 1.25 oz tomato, 1 oz pico de gallo, and 1 oz fat free sour cream. For 449 calories, it was a divine explosion of flavor!
I'm also posting the items I made mention of the other day; the note from Mom, the flip side with Dad's note, and photos of the sweetner holder I gave Mom when we met our goal in weight loss 23 years ago. It was in her purse when she died and it had Splenda in it so I know she used it. Splenda wasn't around when I gave it to her; I had put Equal in it. There'll be more pictures. I'm finally going to Pier1 this afternoon for my dishes!!! :)
PS~ I also update the photo of the flowers my husband surprised me with the other day. They were still in their plastic sleeve and laying sideways on the table when I took the first shot. This updated photo is how beautiful they still are today in a gorgeous irridescent red vase he gave me for my birthday a year ago from Fenton. He's a pretty good catch.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Weigh Day!
Ok, well, don't get excited....nothing to report. Had to take one for Team Girl this week. Up 3/4 of a pound; totally beyond my control. I'm ok with that. This too shall pass. I know I was right on the food this week and all the water was had...it's just one of those things.
It's been a busy week with work days. Lots of late nights, dinner at 10pm, and sunrise too early. Students come back Monday. I've had many meet and greets this week, gave and received a lot of hugs. Many of my students who have moved on to higher grades returned to see me. I can be dog tired and overwhelmed with my to-do list, but it's always a very validating experience to see that they WANT to come back, they WANT to see their old room, their old teacher, they want me to see them, see how they've grown, hear what they've accomplished. It's not going to be an easy year. They're never easy, but those initial relationships are hard to navigate. I see a lot of resistance in the new faces. More than usual. A lot of fear, anger, hostility...these are all pretty foreign to me and my person, to it's a big sidebar for me to deal with. It's hard work. I can't just be me and have that be enough; I have to be what they need me to be, but they have to LET me first. That could take minutes, hours, days, or weeks. Some of those faces look at me and say "never".
I haven't had much appetite this week except for the one night I wanted to gnaw the leg off the table. Normally, at least for the past 5 weeks, I get a very distinct "taste" for something at each meal and immediately know in my head what I'll have or create. It really un-nerves me when the picture is blank. I did the taco meat and black beans for a while and will ready some this weekend to pop in the freezer....makes for a yummy hot lunch in less than 2 minutes. My last "taste" was for Lean Cuisine Spaghetti with Mushrooms and Meat Sauce. When I want spaghetti, that's the taste I crave...not Ragu. Imagine my delight when I foraged through the freezer and found a stray LC from "diets" past, flipped it over, and saw it was my dream come true. I must pick up some more to have on hand for mornings like that one when I didn't pack my lunch the night before. That was was my late night when I came home, deflated, and flipped my switch to "off", having been "on" for over 12 hours at that point.
Today I'll go get my nails done. That's 2 hours of ME time. Manicure and pedicure. My bright blue nails were a big hit this week, both with the students who came through and my co-workers. I'm not just imagining this. I got so many compliments. My nails are long now, a really nice, pretty length. My nail people just add a layer of gel to strengthen them, but they're otherwise all mine, no fake tips or anything. I'm either going with a really pretty, sparkly dark green, or I may go solid black. It gives me, at least mentally, a slight advantage over what I have to face next week. Let the kids wonder about me and be curious. For some, we might connect all because of a nail color. It sounds silly, but it happened THIS week. A Grandma brought her granddaughter to register, transfering from another system. I saw the girl take in my nails and jewelry as we filled out paper work. She opened up and asked if she could touch my nails, she showed her sister my ring, added that she liked my hair. Eventually, before she left, she threw her arms around me and hugged me; she was taller than me, we're not talking little children! When she exited the hug, she was smiling big and said I smelled good. This was in the 11th hour of my 12 hour day. Grandma was beaming and proclaiming how much she herself loved this school already and how happy they'd be. The girl was saying how much she couldn't wait til Monday. In my room I have a sign up. "As one person I cannot change the world, but I can change the world of one person." Sometimes it's me changing the world of a student. Sometimes it's the student changing my world.
It's been a busy week with work days. Lots of late nights, dinner at 10pm, and sunrise too early. Students come back Monday. I've had many meet and greets this week, gave and received a lot of hugs. Many of my students who have moved on to higher grades returned to see me. I can be dog tired and overwhelmed with my to-do list, but it's always a very validating experience to see that they WANT to come back, they WANT to see their old room, their old teacher, they want me to see them, see how they've grown, hear what they've accomplished. It's not going to be an easy year. They're never easy, but those initial relationships are hard to navigate. I see a lot of resistance in the new faces. More than usual. A lot of fear, anger, hostility...these are all pretty foreign to me and my person, to it's a big sidebar for me to deal with. It's hard work. I can't just be me and have that be enough; I have to be what they need me to be, but they have to LET me first. That could take minutes, hours, days, or weeks. Some of those faces look at me and say "never".
I haven't had much appetite this week except for the one night I wanted to gnaw the leg off the table. Normally, at least for the past 5 weeks, I get a very distinct "taste" for something at each meal and immediately know in my head what I'll have or create. It really un-nerves me when the picture is blank. I did the taco meat and black beans for a while and will ready some this weekend to pop in the freezer....makes for a yummy hot lunch in less than 2 minutes. My last "taste" was for Lean Cuisine Spaghetti with Mushrooms and Meat Sauce. When I want spaghetti, that's the taste I crave...not Ragu. Imagine my delight when I foraged through the freezer and found a stray LC from "diets" past, flipped it over, and saw it was my dream come true. I must pick up some more to have on hand for mornings like that one when I didn't pack my lunch the night before. That was was my late night when I came home, deflated, and flipped my switch to "off", having been "on" for over 12 hours at that point.
Today I'll go get my nails done. That's 2 hours of ME time. Manicure and pedicure. My bright blue nails were a big hit this week, both with the students who came through and my co-workers. I'm not just imagining this. I got so many compliments. My nails are long now, a really nice, pretty length. My nail people just add a layer of gel to strengthen them, but they're otherwise all mine, no fake tips or anything. I'm either going with a really pretty, sparkly dark green, or I may go solid black. It gives me, at least mentally, a slight advantage over what I have to face next week. Let the kids wonder about me and be curious. For some, we might connect all because of a nail color. It sounds silly, but it happened THIS week. A Grandma brought her granddaughter to register, transfering from another system. I saw the girl take in my nails and jewelry as we filled out paper work. She opened up and asked if she could touch my nails, she showed her sister my ring, added that she liked my hair. Eventually, before she left, she threw her arms around me and hugged me; she was taller than me, we're not talking little children! When she exited the hug, she was smiling big and said I smelled good. This was in the 11th hour of my 12 hour day. Grandma was beaming and proclaiming how much she herself loved this school already and how happy they'd be. The girl was saying how much she couldn't wait til Monday. In my room I have a sign up. "As one person I cannot change the world, but I can change the world of one person." Sometimes it's me changing the world of a student. Sometimes it's the student changing my world.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Fighting it....fighting it...!
No one has noticed I've lost weight. I did get 2 compliments on my outfit today, all brand new and a size smaller. The one in particular caught me off guard, and the giver realized it. It made me feel especially good because I know this person doesn't give out compliments freely. Today was the first day in well over a year I've worn a skirt. No one has mentioned my hair. That's ok...by Spring, they're gonna wonder what hit 'em. This change is for real. It's not a diet. It's the culmination of 23 years of re-learning and putting into practice following 23 years of really bad habits and not knowing any better.
Wine has made me mellow and the tears have dried from the parts of my day I'v chosen to edit out of this post. Gears are shifted and I can let go of today for now. Tomorrow will be better emotionally, but by God...I'm not letting this, THEM, IT break me. They hit a nerve, and I will not give in to the dark side and respond as I have in the past. Somewhere I have a note in my Mom's handwriting. It was a note she wrote to herself and kept in the drawer of the kitchen table at her place. It said, "Nothing tastes as good as feeling good feels." I found it after she died and retrieved it from the trashcan when my Dad threw it away. On the back is a note in my Dad's handwriting he had left on the table telling one of us kids to make ourselves at home, where he was, and when he'd be back. Obviously, he grabbed the first piece of available paper within reach, and for whatever reason he was able to disregard my dead mother's writings. I kept it, mainly thinking it was cool to have a piece of paper with samples of both my parents' handwriting, but everything about my Mom was, and still is, near and dear to my heart. Somewhere I have tucked away the silver sweetner holder I gave Mom when we lost all our weight 23 years ago. I had it engraved, "We did it!" It was still in her purse when she died...along with the pack of cigarettes, a lighter, and an ashtray she fashioned out of aluminum foil. She kept it so she could sneak a few drags when she went into public restrooms. Who was going to question how long it took her to do her business?! She never really broke the habit despite her efforts to convince us she had. I was kind of relieved to learn she hadn't given up everything and that she continued to do one thing that gave her pleasure until the end. Diabetes took away the foods she loved, and gradually she lost mobility and was confined to a wheelchair. Sometimes the rescue squad had to come and get her up off the floor or out of the tub when she'd fall; her weight made it difficult for any single person to help her and I know that was humiliating for her. The little sweetner thing is cute though...it'll hold maybe 4 packs of sweetner. I never saw one before, and have never seen one since. I need to find it.
Wine has made me mellow and the tears have dried from the parts of my day I'v chosen to edit out of this post. Gears are shifted and I can let go of today for now. Tomorrow will be better emotionally, but by God...I'm not letting this, THEM, IT break me. They hit a nerve, and I will not give in to the dark side and respond as I have in the past. Somewhere I have a note in my Mom's handwriting. It was a note she wrote to herself and kept in the drawer of the kitchen table at her place. It said, "Nothing tastes as good as feeling good feels." I found it after she died and retrieved it from the trashcan when my Dad threw it away. On the back is a note in my Dad's handwriting he had left on the table telling one of us kids to make ourselves at home, where he was, and when he'd be back. Obviously, he grabbed the first piece of available paper within reach, and for whatever reason he was able to disregard my dead mother's writings. I kept it, mainly thinking it was cool to have a piece of paper with samples of both my parents' handwriting, but everything about my Mom was, and still is, near and dear to my heart. Somewhere I have tucked away the silver sweetner holder I gave Mom when we lost all our weight 23 years ago. I had it engraved, "We did it!" It was still in her purse when she died...along with the pack of cigarettes, a lighter, and an ashtray she fashioned out of aluminum foil. She kept it so she could sneak a few drags when she went into public restrooms. Who was going to question how long it took her to do her business?! She never really broke the habit despite her efforts to convince us she had. I was kind of relieved to learn she hadn't given up everything and that she continued to do one thing that gave her pleasure until the end. Diabetes took away the foods she loved, and gradually she lost mobility and was confined to a wheelchair. Sometimes the rescue squad had to come and get her up off the floor or out of the tub when she'd fall; her weight made it difficult for any single person to help her and I know that was humiliating for her. The little sweetner thing is cute though...it'll hold maybe 4 packs of sweetner. I never saw one before, and have never seen one since. I need to find it.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Better Than Yesterday
I had a great day yesterday, all day, until about supper time, and then all Hell broke loose. I knew supper would have to be late because of my husband working out at the Y and my son's work schedule. I was worn out; my first day back to work and all. I needed to eat, and thought a little something wouldn't hurt, maybe tie me over til they got home. That was all she wrote. I had a little of this, and a little of that, next thing I knew I was down to where "supper" would need to be 150 calories! I went to pick my son up, and by that time I was exhausted and couldn't even think myself through what I might cook for dinner. He needed some things from the grocery store to pack his work lunches, which was going to make us even late-r getting home. A few doors down from Food Lion was our favorite Chinese delivery place. So, yep, that was supper. Even though I knew I was pretty much defeated for the day, I ordered vegetable chow mein and no egg roll. I ate my whole pint, but again, after a full belly I slept really well and woke up ready to face the day before the alarm ever went off.
Today was hectic and fast paced. I worked 2 hours later than needed just to have some peace and quite in an empty building. I had packed an orange, so it was handy right when I needed it. I got more done in those 2 hours than I did all day with all the interruptions. Food has been perfect today and I still have 299 calories left for bedtime. I drank all my water too, plus some. I tried Joseph's Lavash Bread tonight. A big rectangle of it is 100 calories. For a wrap I use half, but for what we had tonight I used a whole one. I baked chicken sausages and did peppers, onions, and mushrooms, then an ounce of cheese. The whole lavash makes a nice, neat, manageable bundle to eat. It was good. Another busy day tomorrow, so I'm off to bed. 'nite
Today was hectic and fast paced. I worked 2 hours later than needed just to have some peace and quite in an empty building. I had packed an orange, so it was handy right when I needed it. I got more done in those 2 hours than I did all day with all the interruptions. Food has been perfect today and I still have 299 calories left for bedtime. I drank all my water too, plus some. I tried Joseph's Lavash Bread tonight. A big rectangle of it is 100 calories. For a wrap I use half, but for what we had tonight I used a whole one. I baked chicken sausages and did peppers, onions, and mushrooms, then an ounce of cheese. The whole lavash makes a nice, neat, manageable bundle to eat. It was good. Another busy day tomorrow, so I'm off to bed. 'nite
Monday, August 16, 2010
Hi ho, hi ho...
Today moved fast. I went from one meeting to another; from school to the school board office for more meetings. I see 3 major victories today. The second meeting of the day offered a huge assortment of donuts and pastry and I declined despite my seat being around that table. Those of us who had the farthest to come to get there got the last row of seating around the refreshments. The second victory was my proclammation that I wouldn't be drinking coffee at work this year. Three or 4 of us were the primary coffee consumers and we split financing the habit amongst us. I'll still have my 1-2 mugs in the morning while getting ready and having breakfast, but water is all I need the rest of the day. I had another meeting to travel to at noon and I was a little peeved because my 11:00 meeting ran over, and I thought it was really rude that they scheduled the meeting for noon-3 when everyone ELSE got a lunch break. I microwaved, assembled, and snarfed down a turkey black bean taco using a pita and adding lettuce and tomato, no cheese...snarfed it down and topped it off with yogurt and 10 grapes before driving to my next meeting. Uuuummm...nobody mentioned they'd be feeding us. I had a moment of feeling like a victim, but turned it around. While everyone else was assembling their plate of club sandwiches, chicken salad pitas, and homemade potato chips, I went out to my van and got my sliced orange and my 2/3 empty half gallon of water for the day, retrieved myself a glass of ice from what they provided us, and settled in. The orange was supposed to have been my late afternoon snack, but even though I had just eaten, albeit quickly, I felt a need to fit in among my colleagues. It didn't seem to matter that I was eating something different, but I think I'd have stood out had I not been eating anything at all. I was pretty hungry when I got home around 4, but my calories were low enough I was able to have a mini meal, and I still may have some popcorn shortly. Supper will not be until after 7:30, and spreading 1500 calories out across the day in mini meals seems to be just the right amount to maintain myself, never allowing myself to be overly hungry OR overly full. Before I go pick my son up from work tonight, I have a fun plan. I'm going to run by Pier1 and get an assortment of mis-matched serving pieces. I saw them the other day. I have this new appreciation for food and presentation is part of that. I mentioned in an earlier post about the wonderful tomato and watermelon salad I had on vacation and how it came served on a long rectangular white plate...they have the white plates! They also have very colorful fish bowls that would be just right for a single serving of ice cream or cereal. It makes it fun! I'm pretty excited. I'll take pictures of what I end up with. :)
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Last Day Off
Tomorrow I go back to work. No students until next week, but work nonetheless. Mixed feelings as always. Stocking my arsenal of good food choices, and have made an itemized list of breakfast foods and their calories per ounce or serving as a map for hubby to follow as he takes over the breakfast routine. We tend to lock horns when it comes to this changing of the guard. He believes a "drizzle" of olive oil in the pan need not factor into the equation, and that a Tablespoon or Ounce can be eyeballed. For me, it is quite literally a matter of life or death. His past indiscretions on accountability could be in part due to my rather half-baked attempts to lose weight where there was little or no progress for weeks on end. I think he sees now this is a committment I've made, and as I near 30 pounds off, there are visible results. I hope he will be as committed to my wellbeing as I have been these 31 days. If not, I'll need to get up earlier, shower, and take care of my own breakfast myself which would be a shame since I have to leave the house a good half hour before he does. That, and he obviously doesn't have the whole makeup routine or (less obviously) hair to deal with. OMG!...he just walked in and handed me FLOWERS!!!
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Weigh Day!
-3.25 for the week
-14.75 for my first month
-26.75 since I made my mind up at Christmas to do SOMEthing.
I am so happy today! It's my 1 month anniversary of making this change. I've crossed the river and have reached the point of no return, where I can hope to never see "those" numbers again. I can certainly make 30 before school starts if next week is as good as this week. I embarked on cleaning my closet this week. I don't know if I wrote about it or not. I think I mentioned it...but I have clothes that haven't been worn in over 10 years. They're pre-divorce clothes...perfectly good clothes, but they have bad vibes. I kept them because they were perfectly good clothes, but had to talk myself through a process of elimination. If I lost enough weight to wear them again, would I really want to??? I took a 30 gallon trash can piled high to Goodwill this week. I laundered the things I kept that I was surprised I could wear again NOW. I took 2 very flattering long linen dresses with matching jackets to the dry cleaners. I know I haven't worn those in over 5 years because I wasn't re-married yet, and one of them, I wore to my interview for my current job! And that was the last time I was able to wear it. I have proportion issues, all the more apparent as weight comes off. I begin losing at the top of my head, I'm sure, and gradually, lose lower and lower. My rear has always been where I carry the most weight, and it's horrible shopping for pants. If I find pants that go over my hips, they either don't land at my waist in back, or they do, but gap open by many inches at the waist. Either way, that's not comfortable. I've done drawstrings, but they're usually jersey cotton, and my rump and thighs are way too bumpy for me to be convinced THAT's a good look. I suspect I'll do a lot of long dresses and skirts for work this year. I don't think I wore a single dress last year. I lack confidence in knowing what looks good, and what shoes should go with what look. I've never been good at that, but when you think about it, what I've worn my whole life has boiled down to wat fits...not so much what I liked or what was in style. It's not like I had many options. There have always been more options for the top half. I ordered some new items this week for work, and ordered 1-2 sizes smaller. You know the line where sizes jump in price by $5?...I took a leap of faith and ordered the size on the cheaper side. First time in YEARS! If I can't wear it the moment it arrives, I'll be wearing it in another month. I feel very liberated; very free from my weight. It can't all fall off at once, but I know I'm doing the right thing for long term success. And even though I am constantly aware of what I've consumed, and what I'll consume next, and how many calories that leaves me with to consume later, "my weight"...the negative impact, the negative issue, the prison my weight had become is unlocked. It's still there, but I see freedom, and there's nothing between me and it, nothing but time.
-14.75 for my first month
-26.75 since I made my mind up at Christmas to do SOMEthing.
I am so happy today! It's my 1 month anniversary of making this change. I've crossed the river and have reached the point of no return, where I can hope to never see "those" numbers again. I can certainly make 30 before school starts if next week is as good as this week. I embarked on cleaning my closet this week. I don't know if I wrote about it or not. I think I mentioned it...but I have clothes that haven't been worn in over 10 years. They're pre-divorce clothes...perfectly good clothes, but they have bad vibes. I kept them because they were perfectly good clothes, but had to talk myself through a process of elimination. If I lost enough weight to wear them again, would I really want to??? I took a 30 gallon trash can piled high to Goodwill this week. I laundered the things I kept that I was surprised I could wear again NOW. I took 2 very flattering long linen dresses with matching jackets to the dry cleaners. I know I haven't worn those in over 5 years because I wasn't re-married yet, and one of them, I wore to my interview for my current job! And that was the last time I was able to wear it. I have proportion issues, all the more apparent as weight comes off. I begin losing at the top of my head, I'm sure, and gradually, lose lower and lower. My rear has always been where I carry the most weight, and it's horrible shopping for pants. If I find pants that go over my hips, they either don't land at my waist in back, or they do, but gap open by many inches at the waist. Either way, that's not comfortable. I've done drawstrings, but they're usually jersey cotton, and my rump and thighs are way too bumpy for me to be convinced THAT's a good look. I suspect I'll do a lot of long dresses and skirts for work this year. I don't think I wore a single dress last year. I lack confidence in knowing what looks good, and what shoes should go with what look. I've never been good at that, but when you think about it, what I've worn my whole life has boiled down to wat fits...not so much what I liked or what was in style. It's not like I had many options. There have always been more options for the top half. I ordered some new items this week for work, and ordered 1-2 sizes smaller. You know the line where sizes jump in price by $5?...I took a leap of faith and ordered the size on the cheaper side. First time in YEARS! If I can't wear it the moment it arrives, I'll be wearing it in another month. I feel very liberated; very free from my weight. It can't all fall off at once, but I know I'm doing the right thing for long term success. And even though I am constantly aware of what I've consumed, and what I'll consume next, and how many calories that leaves me with to consume later, "my weight"...the negative impact, the negative issue, the prison my weight had become is unlocked. It's still there, but I see freedom, and there's nothing between me and it, nothing but time.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Friday the 13th
It hasn't been an unlucky day for me at all...knock on wood. I got my hair highlighted and I love it! It's a little blonder and less golden than I imagined, but it doesn't look fake. It just looks like I spent a lot of time outside this summer. It looked so good I came home, showered to get the trimmings off me, did my hair myself (which I always like better anyway) and did full makeup. All dressed up with no place to go. I did have to go pick my son up from work, and when I did he was starving. He wanted Long John Silver's clams. I wasn't even tempted, and that made me feel progress. I'm not saying I'll never eat LJS fish again; I'm just saying I didn't eat any today. That's why this thing is working for me...one day at a time. What's done is done, and tomorrow can always be better than today...but today was really good too. My new taste find is Frosted Mini Wheats "little bites" in chocolate. I could take or leave chocolate, but these make a nice semi-sweet finish. 1/2 of a serving is 100 calories for 26 biscuits. It's about a cup. That and half a banana was my end of the day snack tonight as I get ready for bed. I also like VERY much the Fiber Plus Yogurt Berry Crunch. Both items were new tastes for me and I like them.
Lunch was so good I prepared it again for supper. Yellow squash and onions browned in 1/2t olive oil and Pam, salted, then 2oz taco meat and 1oz black beans added. Topped with 1T parmesan.....m, m, m. I also made a side "salad" of cherry tomatoes cut in half and a reduced fat string cheese sliced in little rounds...mixed in 1/2 oz of pesto. The pesto did a number on the calories, but it was an otherwise very low calorie meal, and that was a fraction of the pesto I used to use with pasta and stuff. I didn't miss the pasta, and enjoyed the basil and garlic *BANG*. There was hardly any residue on my plate, so I used just the right amount to cover the tomatoes and cheese. My whole plate was under 500 calories. Lunch was way less because I didn't do the tomato/pesto stuff then, or the parmesan cheese. Hubby liked it too. My rings are fitting looser...more loose? We'll find out tomorrow what the scales have to say for the week. Fingers crossed! :)
Lunch was so good I prepared it again for supper. Yellow squash and onions browned in 1/2t olive oil and Pam, salted, then 2oz taco meat and 1oz black beans added. Topped with 1T parmesan.....m, m, m. I also made a side "salad" of cherry tomatoes cut in half and a reduced fat string cheese sliced in little rounds...mixed in 1/2 oz of pesto. The pesto did a number on the calories, but it was an otherwise very low calorie meal, and that was a fraction of the pesto I used to use with pasta and stuff. I didn't miss the pasta, and enjoyed the basil and garlic *BANG*. There was hardly any residue on my plate, so I used just the right amount to cover the tomatoes and cheese. My whole plate was under 500 calories. Lunch was way less because I didn't do the tomato/pesto stuff then, or the parmesan cheese. Hubby liked it too. My rings are fitting looser...more loose? We'll find out tomorrow what the scales have to say for the week. Fingers crossed! :)
Thursday, August 12, 2010
whew!
Today was my last day without an early morning obligation, so hubby let me sleep in. He took care of his own breakfast and lunch, and I didn't get up til after 10! I leisurely drank my coffee, then showered and did hair and make-up. I was called in to work 1-3:30 to orient a new employee even though Monday is the first of our workdays, new employees get caught up to speed before day 1. Pretty cool though because this guy was our long-term sub the last 6 weeks of last year, so no new tricks to learn from this ol' dog.
I picked up a large Wendy's chili and a water on my way. Ate that and the 6 saltines for my first meal of the day at 1pm. My son requested bbq'd chicken, vinegar and oil style, for supper. I forgot how long it took on the grill, and it didn't help that the propane tank went empty part way through. We JUST NOW finished supper at 10pm. It was a grand supper too because I had calories in the bank! I bought the smallest of the "real" baking potatoes...the kind they sell individually. I had a 10oz potato with fake butter and ff sour cream, steamed broccoli, 3oz chicken by the time it was done and picked off the bone, fresh pineapple, and a glass of wine. After all that, I still had calories left, so dessert was a sliced banana with a serving of reduced fat / no sugar added Bunny Tracks ice cream. It was SO good!!! Like a single serve banana split. Tomorrow I get my hair highlighted which always makes me feel good. It'll make me look like I actually spent time outside this summer...in all this heat?! I don't think so...
Good news!!! Hubby doesn't have to go to Japan next week afterall! Maybe in November, but I'm so happy and relieved he'll be here as I creep back into my pool of stressors. It'll make the food issue much easier if I know somebody has my back...so long as he doesn't lock my scales again!
I picked up a large Wendy's chili and a water on my way. Ate that and the 6 saltines for my first meal of the day at 1pm. My son requested bbq'd chicken, vinegar and oil style, for supper. I forgot how long it took on the grill, and it didn't help that the propane tank went empty part way through. We JUST NOW finished supper at 10pm. It was a grand supper too because I had calories in the bank! I bought the smallest of the "real" baking potatoes...the kind they sell individually. I had a 10oz potato with fake butter and ff sour cream, steamed broccoli, 3oz chicken by the time it was done and picked off the bone, fresh pineapple, and a glass of wine. After all that, I still had calories left, so dessert was a sliced banana with a serving of reduced fat / no sugar added Bunny Tracks ice cream. It was SO good!!! Like a single serve banana split. Tomorrow I get my hair highlighted which always makes me feel good. It'll make me look like I actually spent time outside this summer...in all this heat?! I don't think so...
Good news!!! Hubby doesn't have to go to Japan next week afterall! Maybe in November, but I'm so happy and relieved he'll be here as I creep back into my pool of stressors. It'll make the food issue much easier if I know somebody has my back...so long as he doesn't lock my scales again!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Yum!
Running errands today and preparing to taxi a bunch of teenagers tonight. Decided what I wanted for lunch and made 2 stops to get it on my way to and from Goodwill and recycling (finally). The 6:30am breakfast calories were on the low side, but hunger didn't knock until 2pm, so with only 288 calories withdrawn from the bank, I allowed myself 2 wonderful taste treats for lunch: A small Wendy's chili, and a McDonald's Southwest Grilled Chicken Salad without dressing. I even picked up a parfait to have before I run and get the boys at 5 so I have something yummy in me as they make their food choices and I have to ride in the van smelling fries or whatever. The chili is 220, and the salad is 320, so a 540 lunch putting me at 828, 958 after the parfait; going into supper with 542 left. That's not bad. If I'm not particularly hungry at 5 and feel like I can be the warrior and not be bothered by fries, I may save the parfait for bedtime. It's nice knowing it's there. I'm lovin' it...
Bad, but better than usual
Supper was exceptionally good last night for many reasons. I even had ice cream for dessert. And let me explain how obsessive I am over doing well...This ice cream has been here since before vacation and I had not had any. It was something husband picked out on a whim, and likely the first time I ever recall him wanting ice cream. He bought Bunny Tracks and it's the reduced fat, no sugar added variety. A 1/2 cup (72g) serving was 150 calories. I didn't have 150 calories left. I had 144 after supper. I literally calculated calories per gram and figured out how many grams I could have and weighed it out. I've never enjoyed a little ice cream so much, ice crystals and all. But then get this. 9:00 came and I was starving. It was enough of a hunger that I knew sleep would not come easily, and I really felt panic and frustration. It was like impending doom. I had no calories left. So what was I to do? I did what I've always done; I ate. But I ate carefully. Did I go over my calories for the day? Yes. How many? I don't know, but 500 wouldn't surprise me. I had 2 slices of deli turkey breast, some dried fruit, 2 thin slices of deli American cheese, 2 sugar free jello snacks, and 1/4 cup of smoked almonds. I didn't necessarily measure, but I had a half cup Gladware handy and poured them in it half full. So, yep, I fell from grace, but I'm ok with it. None of what I picked with the exception of the cheese were, for lack of a better term, "bad". When I was done, I found myself surveying the kitchen to see if there was anything else I might want in this moment of weakness because if I was going to indulge, it was going to be NOW. I didn't go back for more ice cream. It felt really good to have made the choices I made, feed the hunger, and stop when I wasn't hungry anymore. I awoke this morning feeling refreshed and well rested. It's the first night in about 27 days, I've lost count, that I have not been up during the night 1-3 times to potty. I had all my water, but was done with it before supper. And if you recall, my previous night was restless, and my entire day was squirrely and scattered. I feel like today everything is corraled back in to place and the planets are once again aligned. Breakfast was a Pam fried whole egg, 2 slices reduced fat bacon, 1 pack instant grits, and a 3oz banana for 288 calories. I'm happy with that. Yesterday's breakfast cookie (310) at breakfast and turkey burger with cheese(243)at lunch sucked up too many calories too early in the day. Today is already better than yesterday, and isn't that the whole idea?
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Same day...
You wouldn't know it from the photo, but my dinner tastes SO good tonight! And just to set the record straight, I've been at odds with myself all day, so I had a real struggle in my head over what to do. My son isn't eating at home tonight and neither is my husband. Normally, this would signal me to call up girlfriends and head for the nearest plate of something alfredo, snarf it down in eager anticipation of what the dessert tray held, and kill another 2 hours over dessert and decaf coffee. I wasn't up for the challenge tonight. Temptations are something I just need to avoid. Maybe one day one will sneak up on me and I'll be ok, but I have a long history of not being ok in that particular situation. Eating is, or has been a very social event. I find tonight that it is equally as difficult to dine alone. I'm faced with choices outside of my routine. One large variable in tonight's setting is the fact that I have $3 in my wallet and will not justify dinner for one going on the credit card, especially since I was having a particular hankering for dollar menu fare. I was targeting things like Wendy's chili and Taco Bell Fresco tacos, but still...either way...not enough of a purchase to charge, and too little cash to have a real meal. Stop for just a moment and consider how much thought and energy went into talking myself through this! Ordering Chinese delivery was another option, but I wouldn't know where to begin on making a good calorie choice there. So I went to my kitchen and retrieved things I only really wanted to eat. I had looked at cans of soup, but being here by myself and no one to have the other 1.5 servings, plus all the sodium...not a good choice. So what I ended up with was: 2oz onion, 2oz green pepper, 3oz mushroom, 1oz celery, 2oz hot Italian sausage crumbles squeezed in papertowel, and a single serving sized cup of Minute Wild & long Grain Rice. I sauteed the veggies in Pam, added the sausage and heated rice, and to the tune of 481 calories, it was far better than anything I would have driven out in to the world to retrieve tonight. I still have 144 calories left for later, but take a look at that photo! That was a one skillet meal, measured out precisely on digital scales, and I got to eat the whole thing for only 481! And that's a ton of veggies! Double what I would normally do, but I wanted to make it so rice was not the main ingredient. It was good...it was real good!
What day is today?
I'm in a fog. I don't know what it is. I've left the house 3 different times, each time telling myself I needed to take the 30 gallon can of recycling with me, and the 30 gallon can of clothes for Goodwill. Each time I left without it and thought of it 10 miles away. Same thing with things I need to take to the town where band camp is...I get to band camp and realize I left stuff at home. I thought today was Wednesday. I called to make a hair appointment and assured her tomorrow was "out"...that I've been asked by the boss to come in and orient a new employee from 1-3:30...only that's Thursday, which would be tomorrow if today was indeed Wednesday! Tomorrow, Wednesday, I need to taxi my son and 3 of his friends from one town to another so they can all go swimming, then go back later, pick them all up, and return them to their homes in the town we started out in. So technically, it's out too, but not really between 9 and 5. That's a lot to remember in my current state of mind; regardless, hair is on hold until Friday.
I went back to the eye Dr this morning for a follow up exam. He says my eyes are about 75-80% better, but I need 3-4 more days on the Rx drops, then immediately switch to OTC drops, probably forever. Moisturizing drops morning and bedtime on top of that. He wants to see me again next Friday after I've been on the OTC several days. I think that's why I also have a tremendous headache today. That, and it's very bright out today.
I didn't sleep well last night either. I was up 3 times, but can't remember what the 3rd time was for. Had weird dreams when I did sleep. The cat flipped the lid off Pathagoras' container sometime during the night and I awoke when the lid hit the kitchen floor. I came running to do a rescue, but the noise scared the cat and the fish was fine. He now lives in the spare bedroom behind a closed door until he goes to school. Another time, one of the dogs was walking around the bedroom trying to get sick, so I whisked him out the deck door. I would think I would have gone to the bathroom one of those times if need be, but maybe that was my 3rd time up. And though I didn't get up, I woke up another time when I heard the garage door leading into the kitchen close; husband went out to the garage fridge for a bottle of water. I was tuning my ears to the door closing, thinking it was my son, only to be startled by a dark figure re-entering the bedroom. So, it was a restless night. My son's dad is picking him up from band camp at 5 today, so no need for me to make that run again today. I should really go to the drawing table while I have the chance, but the urge to just read or watch a movie is greater. I should go work out, but I'm just not feeling it today.
Weight is creeping down, so me and food are on good terms. Get this...my husband put a combination lock on the scales! I have Dr's scales, and he put the lock on the balance this morning so there's no way to weigh! It made me mad when I saw it, and I haven't reacted to him yet. I know he means well since I DID say I wanted Saturday to be my weigh day. It's just a habit I have, and it seems harmless when compared to the other habits I'm altering. I like to weigh every morning before I eat, shower, etc. It makes it seem a more honest, accurate weight if it's just me, no added weight, at the same time every day. I like to see if what I may have eaten the night before has a bad effect on the scale...like the seasoned turkey burgers we had last night with mustard and pickles...did the sodium do a number on me? I lost 1/2 lb. I'm not writing any weight down until Saturday, but I like to see what does and does not cause it to fluctuate. So yep, it made me mad to see him take that away from me. Whether he knew it or not, the lock didn't lock and I was able to remove it (and hide it), so he may have just done it to provoke a response or make a point. It's not his battle. He's not the one doing the work and thinking about it 24/7, and if I need to see immediate results then sobeit. He even admitted the other night, he's not stepped on the scales since before vacation. He KNOWS, and admits, that if I was as good as I was and still gained 3 pounds, then he did worse. He doesn't want to know the numbers. For him it's good enough that he's resumed much of his healthy routine. I do find that I'm a food snob since I've been good now for nearly a month straight without any waivering. Last night he came home and I was preparing supper; it was 20 minutes from being done, but he got in the fridge and pulled out salsa to snack on that and tortilla chips...and he got a beer. This was immmediately following his workout at the gym, too! That's just wrong, at least to me. In 20 minutes, a good meal was going to be in front of him, and I think it's ok to feel hungry once in a while. In fact, I feel quite noble when I can truly identify hunger as it's time to sit down to a meal. That means I estimated my last meal correctly. I make my husband's lunch every day and send it to work with him, so I know what he's eating, and I know how much of what he gets. He gets more on a day he's planning to go to the gym too. It truly is my own personal battle to fight, and my own demons,and it's times like that and this morning with the lock that make me feel most lonely. It's hard when I see other people doing in front of me the thing I am most trying to cntrol for myself.
As mentioned, I have pulled 30 gallons worth of clothes from my closet to send to Goodwill. That's just the first of what will be, but it's a chore I've put off forever. My closet is overly full, and as I approach my 5th anniversary and 5 years in this house, I realize there are clothes in there I have not worn once in that time. Some(most)because they don't fit. Some I'm just tired of. Some I look at and they make me feel bad because of the time in my life they were from. My divorce was 10 years ago, and I still have clothes from before that, and some that have not been worn in those 10 years. I tackled about a 2 foot wide section yesterday; maybe just 18 inches. I tried everything on as I went. Most went in a pile that I'll move to the spare room for another 25-30 pound sort, just to get them out of my face and make room for the things I love to wear now. Another pile went on the floor to be laundered or dry cleaned; things I was surprised to find fit now with my almost 25 pounds off this year. There's a definite mustiness or mildew thing going on, which could explain my fog today. I stirred up some allergens, no doubt. The last 3 feet of that side of my closet is stuff I DO wear now, but even some of that was randomly plucked and canned while I had the kahoonahs to do it. I decided I may wear more dresses this year, especially while I can still get by wearing my Tone-Up sandals. My dresses are all long, but they looked more flattering and slimming yesterday, some of them, as I tried them on. I still have the short end of the closet to tackle where all my pants and skirts are, but I had my fill of that activity yesterday. It'll be something good to get in to while husband is in Japan. It was a major event that I even embarked upon it at all. It was on my list of things to do this summer, but losing 30 pounds was higher up on the list and I thought I'd be doing this to rid myself of the clothes forever and replace them with all new, smaller clothes. Instead, it was a "love it", "don't love it no more", "tired of looking at it" sort of the same ol' stuff I've looked at for a decade. Some things I just had to talk myself through, like, "Say you lose 40 pounds, do you really think you'll want to wear this even then?" I'll get there.
I went back to the eye Dr this morning for a follow up exam. He says my eyes are about 75-80% better, but I need 3-4 more days on the Rx drops, then immediately switch to OTC drops, probably forever. Moisturizing drops morning and bedtime on top of that. He wants to see me again next Friday after I've been on the OTC several days. I think that's why I also have a tremendous headache today. That, and it's very bright out today.
I didn't sleep well last night either. I was up 3 times, but can't remember what the 3rd time was for. Had weird dreams when I did sleep. The cat flipped the lid off Pathagoras' container sometime during the night and I awoke when the lid hit the kitchen floor. I came running to do a rescue, but the noise scared the cat and the fish was fine. He now lives in the spare bedroom behind a closed door until he goes to school. Another time, one of the dogs was walking around the bedroom trying to get sick, so I whisked him out the deck door. I would think I would have gone to the bathroom one of those times if need be, but maybe that was my 3rd time up. And though I didn't get up, I woke up another time when I heard the garage door leading into the kitchen close; husband went out to the garage fridge for a bottle of water. I was tuning my ears to the door closing, thinking it was my son, only to be startled by a dark figure re-entering the bedroom. So, it was a restless night. My son's dad is picking him up from band camp at 5 today, so no need for me to make that run again today. I should really go to the drawing table while I have the chance, but the urge to just read or watch a movie is greater. I should go work out, but I'm just not feeling it today.
Weight is creeping down, so me and food are on good terms. Get this...my husband put a combination lock on the scales! I have Dr's scales, and he put the lock on the balance this morning so there's no way to weigh! It made me mad when I saw it, and I haven't reacted to him yet. I know he means well since I DID say I wanted Saturday to be my weigh day. It's just a habit I have, and it seems harmless when compared to the other habits I'm altering. I like to weigh every morning before I eat, shower, etc. It makes it seem a more honest, accurate weight if it's just me, no added weight, at the same time every day. I like to see if what I may have eaten the night before has a bad effect on the scale...like the seasoned turkey burgers we had last night with mustard and pickles...did the sodium do a number on me? I lost 1/2 lb. I'm not writing any weight down until Saturday, but I like to see what does and does not cause it to fluctuate. So yep, it made me mad to see him take that away from me. Whether he knew it or not, the lock didn't lock and I was able to remove it (and hide it), so he may have just done it to provoke a response or make a point. It's not his battle. He's not the one doing the work and thinking about it 24/7, and if I need to see immediate results then sobeit. He even admitted the other night, he's not stepped on the scales since before vacation. He KNOWS, and admits, that if I was as good as I was and still gained 3 pounds, then he did worse. He doesn't want to know the numbers. For him it's good enough that he's resumed much of his healthy routine. I do find that I'm a food snob since I've been good now for nearly a month straight without any waivering. Last night he came home and I was preparing supper; it was 20 minutes from being done, but he got in the fridge and pulled out salsa to snack on that and tortilla chips...and he got a beer. This was immmediately following his workout at the gym, too! That's just wrong, at least to me. In 20 minutes, a good meal was going to be in front of him, and I think it's ok to feel hungry once in a while. In fact, I feel quite noble when I can truly identify hunger as it's time to sit down to a meal. That means I estimated my last meal correctly. I make my husband's lunch every day and send it to work with him, so I know what he's eating, and I know how much of what he gets. He gets more on a day he's planning to go to the gym too. It truly is my own personal battle to fight, and my own demons,and it's times like that and this morning with the lock that make me feel most lonely. It's hard when I see other people doing in front of me the thing I am most trying to cntrol for myself.
As mentioned, I have pulled 30 gallons worth of clothes from my closet to send to Goodwill. That's just the first of what will be, but it's a chore I've put off forever. My closet is overly full, and as I approach my 5th anniversary and 5 years in this house, I realize there are clothes in there I have not worn once in that time. Some(most)because they don't fit. Some I'm just tired of. Some I look at and they make me feel bad because of the time in my life they were from. My divorce was 10 years ago, and I still have clothes from before that, and some that have not been worn in those 10 years. I tackled about a 2 foot wide section yesterday; maybe just 18 inches. I tried everything on as I went. Most went in a pile that I'll move to the spare room for another 25-30 pound sort, just to get them out of my face and make room for the things I love to wear now. Another pile went on the floor to be laundered or dry cleaned; things I was surprised to find fit now with my almost 25 pounds off this year. There's a definite mustiness or mildew thing going on, which could explain my fog today. I stirred up some allergens, no doubt. The last 3 feet of that side of my closet is stuff I DO wear now, but even some of that was randomly plucked and canned while I had the kahoonahs to do it. I decided I may wear more dresses this year, especially while I can still get by wearing my Tone-Up sandals. My dresses are all long, but they looked more flattering and slimming yesterday, some of them, as I tried them on. I still have the short end of the closet to tackle where all my pants and skirts are, but I had my fill of that activity yesterday. It'll be something good to get in to while husband is in Japan. It was a major event that I even embarked upon it at all. It was on my list of things to do this summer, but losing 30 pounds was higher up on the list and I thought I'd be doing this to rid myself of the clothes forever and replace them with all new, smaller clothes. Instead, it was a "love it", "don't love it no more", "tired of looking at it" sort of the same ol' stuff I've looked at for a decade. Some things I just had to talk myself through, like, "Say you lose 40 pounds, do you really think you'll want to wear this even then?" I'll get there.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Class Pet
Food is sort of becoming a non-issue. It's gotten much easier figuring things out and making choices. Nothing great to report, though certainly nothing bad either. Calories have come out within 5 calories either side of 1500 for the past several days. I didn't get my water in yesterday, but it was because I knew I was going to get my nails done and a pedicure mid-afternoon and it's a 2 hour committment without a bathroom, so I knew better. When I got home it was after 5, so I didn't push for 64oz since I value sleep too.
I made a purchase today I think my kids will enjoy. See his photo to the right. His name is Pythagoras. He may get a lady friend in another vase...if so, her name will be Hypotenuse. The time is drawing near...I'll be back later. It's LUNCH time!!!
I made a purchase today I think my kids will enjoy. See his photo to the right. His name is Pythagoras. He may get a lady friend in another vase...if so, her name will be Hypotenuse. The time is drawing near...I'll be back later. It's LUNCH time!!!
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Ahhhhhhh...
Today has been relaxing aside from laundry detail and a toilet that won't flush. Managing food as we've been left almost no need for grocery shopping; I only needed a fresh stash of fruits and veggies for the most part. I DID find a variety of peanut butter that is natural and has flax seeds added. It's lower in fat and calories than even the reduced fat varieties. I'm pretty excited. I hadn't had lunch when I returned home so I toasted a light English muffin, spread 2T of the new p'butter on them, and halved a 4oz banana and sliced the halves lengthwise to make 2 nice open-faced pb&banana sandwiches; had them with a sf Jello snack cup of creme brulee rice pudding, all for 443 calories. I had only consumed 251 calories before that, and it was 5:00 when I had the peanut butter things. Supper won't be til 8 or so. I plan to make little individual lasagne themed casseroles using bowtie pasta, arrabiata sauce, ff cottage cheese, italian sausage, and mozzarella. Easier to measure and manage individual portions; that, and a side salad of lettuce, tomato, and red onion.
I got my nails done sapphire blue today. Sort of my last hoorah before I have to tame things down for work. Next time I have them done will be the day before the kids return. Will do something fabulous with my hair next week involving highlights and a fresh cut. Bought new lipstick today too; sort of a red with a hint of coral...like raspberry without blue in it, but definitely not pink or mauve....I don't go there. I enjoy the low maintenance of summer, not wearing makeup, and letting my hair air dry, but I like the way I look a lot better made up. I'll post a picture sometime after that happens again. Til then, know that I'm feeling like I look like my Dad in drag. lol
I got my nails done sapphire blue today. Sort of my last hoorah before I have to tame things down for work. Next time I have them done will be the day before the kids return. Will do something fabulous with my hair next week involving highlights and a fresh cut. Bought new lipstick today too; sort of a red with a hint of coral...like raspberry without blue in it, but definitely not pink or mauve....I don't go there. I enjoy the low maintenance of summer, not wearing makeup, and letting my hair air dry, but I like the way I look a lot better made up. I'll post a picture sometime after that happens again. Til then, know that I'm feeling like I look like my Dad in drag. lol
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
TGiF
Having a good day. Husband took a vacation day today since he has a few to use before the end of the month. We dropped my son at band camp and then went by the school so he could assess my issues with plugging up all the technology stuff in places where I'd actually find it convenient to use. Last year, as new items were added, they got planted where ever their cord landed them. I often found myself working with my back to the class or needing to sit in a place that had no room for my knees. After canvasing Office Max, Best Buy, Staples, and Radio Shack, and still not finding what we needed, we returned to the school and moved all my furniture around to where there was a nice compromise and cords would reach. Now I just need 2 floor strips to cover the tangled mess and a gizmo to corral the cascade of cords flowing over the front of my desk.
Another stressor today I'm awaiting a response on; it's absolutely out of my control, so I can't stress but so much...the class I took in June had 2 follow-up requirements: 1)write and electronically submit 2 lesson plans by mid July, and 2) submit 1 peer response to someone's lesson plan from within my group by this past Wednesday. I wanted to get it all done, so I submitted my lesson plans early. When I submitted, few of my peers had, and no one from my group had. I went on vacation knowing this was something I needed to do as soon as I got back, when everyone's would have been submitted. I got on Monday and saw only one person from my group had submitted at all, so that narrowed down my options. As I went through clicking on the plans for review, my screen froze. I tried later, but it wouldn't let me login. I tried Wednesday, the deadline day, and it said there was no authentication of credentials to allow my login, or something like that. When I tried again, I got a big ERROR message in red. Same thing yesterday and today. I thought I'd try it from work while husband worked on cords, but severe thunderstorms passed through where I work and fried the server. They don't expect it to be up and running again until late Monday at the earliest. So now, I can't even access my work e-mail, which is the one this course would recognize me under, so I had to e-mail the head person, who would have been expecting my response, from my home e-mail. Home e-mail doesn't identify me as someone who took the course, so who knows if I'll get a response or if I ended up as spam...they can potentially not pass me on this course without my response. If I don't pass it, I don't get reimbursed, nor would I be qualified to teach English, so it would have all been for nothing AND I gained 9 pounds while there. I lost another pound today, by the way, so I'm pre-vacation weight again. I've already had my 64oz water for the day, and lunch was 2 tacos from the fresco menu at Taco Bell for 320 calories. Breakfast was a big bowl of assorted fruit, a light English muffin, and a wedge of laughing cow light cheese spread on it with coffee for 233 calories. I may have enough left tonight to enjoy a glass of wine. :)
Another stressor today I'm awaiting a response on; it's absolutely out of my control, so I can't stress but so much...the class I took in June had 2 follow-up requirements: 1)write and electronically submit 2 lesson plans by mid July, and 2) submit 1 peer response to someone's lesson plan from within my group by this past Wednesday. I wanted to get it all done, so I submitted my lesson plans early. When I submitted, few of my peers had, and no one from my group had. I went on vacation knowing this was something I needed to do as soon as I got back, when everyone's would have been submitted. I got on Monday and saw only one person from my group had submitted at all, so that narrowed down my options. As I went through clicking on the plans for review, my screen froze. I tried later, but it wouldn't let me login. I tried Wednesday, the deadline day, and it said there was no authentication of credentials to allow my login, or something like that. When I tried again, I got a big ERROR message in red. Same thing yesterday and today. I thought I'd try it from work while husband worked on cords, but severe thunderstorms passed through where I work and fried the server. They don't expect it to be up and running again until late Monday at the earliest. So now, I can't even access my work e-mail, which is the one this course would recognize me under, so I had to e-mail the head person, who would have been expecting my response, from my home e-mail. Home e-mail doesn't identify me as someone who took the course, so who knows if I'll get a response or if I ended up as spam...they can potentially not pass me on this course without my response. If I don't pass it, I don't get reimbursed, nor would I be qualified to teach English, so it would have all been for nothing AND I gained 9 pounds while there. I lost another pound today, by the way, so I'm pre-vacation weight again. I've already had my 64oz water for the day, and lunch was 2 tacos from the fresco menu at Taco Bell for 320 calories. Breakfast was a big bowl of assorted fruit, a light English muffin, and a wedge of laughing cow light cheese spread on it with coffee for 233 calories. I may have enough left tonight to enjoy a glass of wine. :)
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Water, water...oops
I fell short on my water intake yesterday. I didn't drink ANY. I had 2 huge glasses of decaf iced tea with splenda and lemon, and I had a mug of regular coffee with splenda to start the day, but was otherwise "dry". I wasn't on my game yesterday. Ounce by ounce, calorie by calorie, I was exactly 1500 at days end, but I was decidedly distracted and had a little anxiety building on the side in addition to the back-to-school business. My eyes were bothering me. Can't find a cause, but I've been to the eye Dr every year, this very same time of year, 3 years in a row now as of yesterday, for treatment. Yesterday being the worst of all cases, and when I called to describe the symptoms, they scheduled me immediately. Both eyes are infected and the protective layer that covers the eye is inflamed. Dr says allergies; so odd that it's always right now, and only during this time that whatever it is takes off and takes over. My eyes feel the same as eyes do when they're dilated; sort of semi-paralyzed, gritty, burning, itching. The thing that put yesterday over the top of most other days is that I was extremely sensitive to light. Going outside was like bee stings to my eyes in full sun. The remedy is antibiotic drops 4x/day, then an additional drop of a moisturizer at bedtime til Tuesday when I see him again for a regular exam on my uninflamed eyes to see if my bi-focal has changed and is causing additional stress. They were so bad yesterday that the Dr insisted I get all 4 doses of drops in before bedtime, and I didn't leave his office til 5:30. They DO feel soothed today.
The other calamity was the very unexpected e-mail from my husband saying his job is sending him to Japan August 15-20. That's my week of teacher workdays, and if you've read my blog regularly, you know how stressed out and anxious I am over that already. One of those work days is a 12 hour day for me, and there are major changes taking place within the system that will unfold that week. Trying to get food in proper perspective is a fulltime job in itself and anyone who doesn't battle the issue doesn't understand. My husband has no idea how much I was relying on him for support in so many facets for that particular week. He usually has dinner prepared and waiting when I get home late on the 12 hour day. Now I'm going to have to make food choices on the fly, not just for me, but for my son too. It's not his fault, and he certainly didn't choose to go to Japan on short notice, and it IS his job. Traditionally when he'd leave the country, my son and I made it "our" time, like it was before I re-married and it was just the 2 of us. We ate out nightly; I'm not ready for that challenge. I was counting on husband to be here to bounce things off of as changes unfold at work. I don't do change well. Change tortures my insecurities. Change makes me nervous. Change takes my focus away from where it needs to be. So here I've been preparing for the change that will occur with me going back to work and managing food and exercise in a new environment and time frame, girding up my loins for the potential kids have to hurt my feelings, and thinking of ways to keep stress at bay so it doesn't consume me like past years, but Japan pulled the rug out from under me. It sets off things within me that I'm struggling to contain and not react to. I'm uncomfortable. What has comforted me in the past? Food! I can't go there. I won't go there. It's like the e-mail overloaded my circuits and the whole system shut down last night. Fixing dinner was a chore; I couldn't focus. I couldn't say what I was thinking because it wasn't nice and would only compound how bad my husband was already feeling about it. Thing is, his reaction to having to go is on the surface and he doesn't dwell on it. My reaction has layer upon layer upon layer of things going on, and because he doesn't struggle like I do, he doesn't see it. It opens wounds for me that I can't talk about without tears, and God knows my eyes hurt enough already without that, so best I can do is write it down and be done with it.
Food has been ok. Yesterday I was right on 1500 exactly. Weight is creeping down fractions of a pound each day; water yesterday would have helped and probably ridded me of the last fraction of vacation. This morning I had a breakfast cookie and a 3oz banana. I ran my son to band camp, paid some bills, and ran by the school to start putting my room together. I ordered textbooks, and talked to my boss awhile. I got the schedule I most wanted, so I'll now teach zero period through 5th and be done for the day; I won't have a 6th period class, but I will have my first homeroom ever. It amounts to my zero period class, which I hand picked. I'll still be in the building 6th since I have to wait for my son to finish his day at the high school, but can use that time for paperwork and parent meetings and then really leave on the last bell when he's released and be home by 3. Not to say that will happen all the time. When they begin remediation for students that didn't pass their SOLs, I'll be hired on a separate contract to work with students 6th period from Nov-April. The majority of my paperwork and meetings need to take place before Nov and after April, so it is a schedule of my own design, so I cannot, will not complain. It also takes me off of another contracted position I've filled for years and no longer wanted...morning supervision...watching all the kids who didn't have zero period classes. The money wasn't worth it and the kids have no respect for women in positions of authority...it got old, really fast. If I can be home by 3, or even 3:30, I can make it to the Y and have a good, solid workout without guilt and still have time to put a good, calorie smart dinner on the table, AND not have school work needing to be done after dinner. I think I made a good decision all the way around to advocate for my self and my well being, and I'm happy my boss ok'd it. It's something that's never been allowed before, but I presented a really good case for it; everybody wins...I'd have been shocked beyond words had the boss found a reason to say no.
After I did all I cared to do there, I made a bank run and hit Office Max for a calendar so I can start laying everything out; reminders of how complicated things are about to become. Still feeling the inner turmoil, and I have to confess my wheels were turning on the ride home of what all I could possibly get in to. And like a smoldering wick, I had to wet my fingers and extinguish each thought. I considered Arby's, Wendy's, Taco Bell...I was thinking of the "safe" places where I know what to order to stay within my calories, but nonetheless, it was an antiquated response to stressors that I'm trying to eliminate altogether. A small Wendy's chili is fine. Tacos from the Fresco menu are great. A jr roast beef is divine, but let me have those when they're not a response to an event, a band aid on a sore place. I came home and weighed out a big bowl of fresh fruit into my fab-u-lous gift to myself...I found some AWEsome pottery in a gallery in Chattanooga. Just right for proper portions and the colors are unlike anything I have ever seen. They make me feel really special because I only bought them for me and my meal presentation. I got myself a mug and 3 small bowls, thinking fruit for one, oatmeal or cereal for another, and salsa for the 3rd. I hope to add more pieces eventually. Anyway, I had a bowl of fruit, a small 100 calorie yogurt topped with granola, and a sandwich made with a Joseph's pita, a laughing cow light cheese wedge spead over it (new flavor!!! Parmesan, mozzarella, sundried tomato & basil....35 calories!). Then I added ham, pickle, tomato, lettuce, red onion...everything was weighed to the fraction of an ounce and calculated...it all rang up to 415 calories, and I was stuffed. Breakfast was an even 400. Off to push some water. :)
The other calamity was the very unexpected e-mail from my husband saying his job is sending him to Japan August 15-20. That's my week of teacher workdays, and if you've read my blog regularly, you know how stressed out and anxious I am over that already. One of those work days is a 12 hour day for me, and there are major changes taking place within the system that will unfold that week. Trying to get food in proper perspective is a fulltime job in itself and anyone who doesn't battle the issue doesn't understand. My husband has no idea how much I was relying on him for support in so many facets for that particular week. He usually has dinner prepared and waiting when I get home late on the 12 hour day. Now I'm going to have to make food choices on the fly, not just for me, but for my son too. It's not his fault, and he certainly didn't choose to go to Japan on short notice, and it IS his job. Traditionally when he'd leave the country, my son and I made it "our" time, like it was before I re-married and it was just the 2 of us. We ate out nightly; I'm not ready for that challenge. I was counting on husband to be here to bounce things off of as changes unfold at work. I don't do change well. Change tortures my insecurities. Change makes me nervous. Change takes my focus away from where it needs to be. So here I've been preparing for the change that will occur with me going back to work and managing food and exercise in a new environment and time frame, girding up my loins for the potential kids have to hurt my feelings, and thinking of ways to keep stress at bay so it doesn't consume me like past years, but Japan pulled the rug out from under me. It sets off things within me that I'm struggling to contain and not react to. I'm uncomfortable. What has comforted me in the past? Food! I can't go there. I won't go there. It's like the e-mail overloaded my circuits and the whole system shut down last night. Fixing dinner was a chore; I couldn't focus. I couldn't say what I was thinking because it wasn't nice and would only compound how bad my husband was already feeling about it. Thing is, his reaction to having to go is on the surface and he doesn't dwell on it. My reaction has layer upon layer upon layer of things going on, and because he doesn't struggle like I do, he doesn't see it. It opens wounds for me that I can't talk about without tears, and God knows my eyes hurt enough already without that, so best I can do is write it down and be done with it.
Food has been ok. Yesterday I was right on 1500 exactly. Weight is creeping down fractions of a pound each day; water yesterday would have helped and probably ridded me of the last fraction of vacation. This morning I had a breakfast cookie and a 3oz banana. I ran my son to band camp, paid some bills, and ran by the school to start putting my room together. I ordered textbooks, and talked to my boss awhile. I got the schedule I most wanted, so I'll now teach zero period through 5th and be done for the day; I won't have a 6th period class, but I will have my first homeroom ever. It amounts to my zero period class, which I hand picked. I'll still be in the building 6th since I have to wait for my son to finish his day at the high school, but can use that time for paperwork and parent meetings and then really leave on the last bell when he's released and be home by 3. Not to say that will happen all the time. When they begin remediation for students that didn't pass their SOLs, I'll be hired on a separate contract to work with students 6th period from Nov-April. The majority of my paperwork and meetings need to take place before Nov and after April, so it is a schedule of my own design, so I cannot, will not complain. It also takes me off of another contracted position I've filled for years and no longer wanted...morning supervision...watching all the kids who didn't have zero period classes. The money wasn't worth it and the kids have no respect for women in positions of authority...it got old, really fast. If I can be home by 3, or even 3:30, I can make it to the Y and have a good, solid workout without guilt and still have time to put a good, calorie smart dinner on the table, AND not have school work needing to be done after dinner. I think I made a good decision all the way around to advocate for my self and my well being, and I'm happy my boss ok'd it. It's something that's never been allowed before, but I presented a really good case for it; everybody wins...I'd have been shocked beyond words had the boss found a reason to say no.
After I did all I cared to do there, I made a bank run and hit Office Max for a calendar so I can start laying everything out; reminders of how complicated things are about to become. Still feeling the inner turmoil, and I have to confess my wheels were turning on the ride home of what all I could possibly get in to. And like a smoldering wick, I had to wet my fingers and extinguish each thought. I considered Arby's, Wendy's, Taco Bell...I was thinking of the "safe" places where I know what to order to stay within my calories, but nonetheless, it was an antiquated response to stressors that I'm trying to eliminate altogether. A small Wendy's chili is fine. Tacos from the Fresco menu are great. A jr roast beef is divine, but let me have those when they're not a response to an event, a band aid on a sore place. I came home and weighed out a big bowl of fresh fruit into my fab-u-lous gift to myself...I found some AWEsome pottery in a gallery in Chattanooga. Just right for proper portions and the colors are unlike anything I have ever seen. They make me feel really special because I only bought them for me and my meal presentation. I got myself a mug and 3 small bowls, thinking fruit for one, oatmeal or cereal for another, and salsa for the 3rd. I hope to add more pieces eventually. Anyway, I had a bowl of fruit, a small 100 calorie yogurt topped with granola, and a sandwich made with a Joseph's pita, a laughing cow light cheese wedge spead over it (new flavor!!! Parmesan, mozzarella, sundried tomato & basil....35 calories!). Then I added ham, pickle, tomato, lettuce, red onion...everything was weighed to the fraction of an ounce and calculated...it all rang up to 415 calories, and I was stuffed. Breakfast was an even 400. Off to push some water. :)
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Transitioning
As work days creep closer, today begins the first leg of the transition. My son returns home tonight after having been gone the entire summer doing what he loves to do. Tomorrow I'll begin taxiing him to and from band camp 20 miles away, morning and evening. That'll go through next Wednesday. Thursday and Friday will be "free", and then work days begin the following Monday. The summer flew by. I started thinking last night how THIS summer, albeit shorter than most, has been more satisfying. I got to do everything on my list of goals with the exception of reading lots of books. I started reading a novel back in June and had not picked it up all summer, so by-cracky, that's what I did last night; I crawled in bed early and read until I got tired. I took a real vacation this summer. I took a class this summer. I got together with girlfriends this summer. I started exercising. I entertained thoughts of getting a bike and got so far as to shop for one with no luck as of yet. Though I didn't lose 30 pounds like I would have liked, I do feel a greater thing occurred in that I got the whole lifestyle thing figured out. I have a sense of control I've not experienced before. The weight is coming off as evidence I have a good plan in place. And I was thinking yesterday too, that this is the first time in my history of "diets" that I haven't designated a "cheat" night. I think that's why this is working. There's nothing off limits. It's about discipline and good habits instead of deprivation and punishment with time off for "good" behavior. I haven't missed cheat night. In the past, failure followed because I'd undoubtedly over-indulge in high fat, sugary things that weren't good calorie choices. Given that this thing I battle is an addiction to food, certain foods triggered certain responses. The biggest, boldest example for me at the forefront of my brain would be cupcakes. Not the cake, but the frosting. And I was very particular about what kind of frosting and how thick it had to be applied. So once that particular variety was found, it would take every ounce of my being to not eradicate the whole 6 pack of them in one sitting. Eventually, as in a day or 2, I would take out the majority of them. My husband would look at the purchase with disgust, wondering how or why anyone would want such a thing. My son might eat one, he may even return later for a second, but he was usually too late. That's embarrassing to admit, but that's the way it was. WAS being the operative word. I know I'm not being denied anything. I can think of how badly I want to lose weight and how badly I want to be free of the aches and pains that come with carrying so much weight. I want to avoid to the greatest extent that I genetically can, all of the weight related conclusions morbid obesity invites, and extend my life rather than cut it short. I've never, not even once, wanted a cupcake THAT badly. I get impatient when the scales don't move, like today, but I have to remind myself I didn't get in this shape overnight. Nutrition was never discussed in my house growing up. Meat was fried and gravy was made from the drippin's. With gravy, you had to have mashed potatoes or rice, and there was often homemade white bread to be had as well. Fried potatoes in an iron skillet. Macaroni and cheese. Liver and onions, fried hearts and gizzards...good times. And there was ALWAYS a crock on the stove for bacon grease and it was added to every pot of green beans, pinto beans, navy beans...you name it. Nothing was ever steamed, and if the grill got used at all it was for ribeye steaks or maybe hamburgers once in a while. Hotdogs at least once a week. Ice cream was a BIG deal in my house; even my Dad loved it. It was like a cause for celebration and fanfare to make a special trip to Red Front grocery store and select a half gallon, almost always Heavenly Hash or Butter Brickle, but that wasn't all...we lined our bowls with a big glob of peanut butter first, and then mounded the ice cream on top. It wasn't unusual for a half gallon to get wiped out in one evening, and that was with only 4 of us in the house total for the parts of my childhood I remember. And since we'd made a special trip for the ice cream, we usually picked up a pack of cookies to go with it. Pizza was another weakness, and my Dad would usually initiate a late night order to Bob-A-Rea's maybe once every month or so...and it was 10-15 miles away and we lived where nobody delivered. So we'd polish off a large supreme sometime after dinner, but right at bedtime. After I learned to drive, I remember Mom offering to pay if I'd make the run in town to get either ice cream or Fritoes, and it was always after Dad had already gone to bed or he was working nights. I made the pizza run a lot too. Food filled every void in my childhood. We were a family of compulsive eaters; nothing in moderation. If we had it, we devoured it then and there. It seemed to please Mom when we'd go to the refrigerator late at night for a cold dressing ball or a wad of cold macaroni and cheese. We were all bottomless pits feeding our emotions, our insecurities, our fears, but seldomly, hunger. So it's a big deal to be breaking that cycle and re-inventing a way of life that's been in place since long before it was even recognized as a bad thing. I'm 45. My first success dieting came at 23 when I lost 99 pounds as I mentioned in my first post. So I basically have 23 years of bad habits followed by 22 years of a conscientious awareness of nutrition. I truly believe it took those 22 years to mentally un-do and re-write the previous 23 years of learned behavior, and that NOW I am mentally, physically, and emotionally set for success at this.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
2nd post for today
I just got back from the Y.
- 10 minutes on the elliptical
- 10 minutes on the bike
- 10 MORE minutes on the elliptical
- 20 minutes on the treadmill
- 3 sets of 10 reps each of 4 different upper body exercises with free weights
cha.cha.cha... :)
OH!....forgot to mention....my 64 ounces of water for the day has been had!
...and Another!
Another pound gone overnight! One more and I'll really be back from vacation. I'm very, very happy! And I've eaten very well. That 1500 calorie fence is good for me so I don't go on grazing in the pasture as the day wears on. I've still made a point to include all food groups, but I haven't beaten myself up for lovin' fresh seasonal fruit...I know I've had more than "3". I've been really obsessive about the numbers. Last night I had "23" calories left over at bedtime, wasn't really squirrely for food, but they were there, so I weighed an ounce and a half of pineapple out, I think it was; it rang up at 21 calories, so that pleased me. I've really, honestly, weighed EVERYthing...lettuce...tomato...onions...peppers. I made shish-kabobs for supper, un-shished everything onto a paper plate, put my dinner plate on the dandy digital scale at 0, and weighed each thing, reset to 0, weighed the next thing, wrote it down as I plated it and figured out the calories while I ate, which also served to make me slow down and really chew and enjoy the food more. I also made beer bread in the awesomely cool pottery bread baker I bought in Gatlinburg. 3c self-rising flour, 3 T sugar, and a 12oz beer, bake 40 minutes at 375. Husband reminded me that the beer calories shouldn't factor in since the calories come from alcohol and the alcohol cooks out...made sense to me so I bought it hook, line, and sinker, be it true or not. Then I weighed the baked loaf, almost 2 lbs, and calculated the calories per oz, sliced what I wanted, weighed it, did the calories per oz. Did all that and still had hot bread...with 1/2 T honey! :) A 4 oz slice this morning made an amazing french toast breakfast, dipped in 1 egg mixed with 1/2c whites, which still made more goo than was needed for my slice and husband's. 2 turkey sausage links, and a 4oz wedge of cantaloupe, and a T of syrup chimed in at 429. Higher than my usual breakfast by maybe 75 calories, but not past my 500 mental guideline note. The bread really throws a punch to the calorie bank, but it's so worth it just to know absofreakin-lutely NOTHING is off limits.
On a some what different note...my anxiety dreams have started. It happens every year, and usually right about the time the calendar flips to August. I work with some of the most difficult kids in the school. "Difficult" being pale in regards to what one might find in a big city, but difficult nonetheless within the framework of our small town. I always dread going back to work. There was a time we actually got a whole 3 months off for the summer, but we got shorted a month this year. Summer is the only time I get to draw anymore, and that makes me sad. And really, the job and the kids...they're not BAD. The dread comes from my own selfishness. I want the attention I used to get from my artwork. I could be fat; I could be skinny. It didn't matter. The focus was on the artwork. But as a teacher, I have to physically stand in front of a classroom, or actually walk through a hallway filled with the possibility of thoughtless, hurtful comments from the mouths of children at an historically cruel age. And I'm defenseless. To back up a bit, this will be my 10th year in the school system. Doesn't seem possible, but here I am. Ten years ago, I was a stay-at-home mom and artist one day, and the next I was an unemployed single mom. A lot has happened, but in those 10 years, not once has a child ever been unkind or disrespectful to me in regards to my weight...until last year. A student made such a spectacle in the hallway, dragging another student with her to stand at the doorway of my classroom between bells, point at me, and make horrible commentary to her friend about my weight. Fortunately, my room was empty, and kudos to the student she dragged along with her who seemed disgusted that she'd been wrangled into the scene. Other kids in the hall paid her no mind, but it hurt. It hurt me so deeply. I almost had to close up shop that day and come home, but I was too embarrassed to relay what happened to my boss. It was weeks before I confided in anyone, and then I was told I should have reported the student, that my boss would have defended me and not allow any student to disrespect one of his teachers. I know that to be true, but at the same time, if that student were to be called to the office, embarrassed to be confronted in the first place, she would see to it the story radiated throughout the school among her peers. As it was, it was isolated and contained. She didn't get the response she wanted, so it died then and there, only I'm left holding the smoldering embers. So my biggest fear that I had harbored all those years became my reality, and still, for all the positive things that have happened over the years, that negative thing carries so much more, well, weight. This wasn't even a student I would ever have in class, and that's the sad thing. She doesn't even KNOW me! Kids who have had me, LOVE me. They go off to high school and bombard their 9th grade teacher with stories from my class...good stuff. I mean, my room is a safe haven for these kids, and it was for me until that day. Kids come back year after year, long after they've left middle school, to say "hi", get a hug, or just walk in my room again. They come tell me when they get their license, who they're going to Homecoming and prom with, they come tell me when their mom is diagnosed with cancer, or worse yet, when a parent dies or leaves. I was someone safe in their lives with whom they could confide, good or bad. Good memories, and they learned some Math along the way too. My kids respect me within my classroom because I respect them, and it's required from day one. My standards and expectations are very high. No potty mouth. But this kid didn't know that, obviously hadn't learned it at home, and in that instant, she scarred me for life. I'll never forget that day. And I still have another year of her in my school. In my anxiety dreams, I have so much anger and rage. One night I dreamed I dropped the F* bomb in class. And the thing is, it's all in my head. This is a "thing" I've created. The one kid fueled it and maybe even lit the final match, but it's not as bad, ever, as what scenarios play out in my head. I'm probably MOST comfortable IN my classroom. It's a comfortable place. With my husband's help in hooking up all my technology stuff and running cords and purchasing needed extensions, etc, my room will be more fine tuned, productive, and efficient than ever before, both for me and the kids. Organization has never been an issue, and my room is colorful, yet peaceful. Last year I made valances for he windows and added houseplants. I keep it really, really CLEAN. I'd like an aquarium, but I fear the temptation to squirt hand sanitizer in the tank would be too great for some kids. I might get a beta to keep in a vase with a peace lily plant. Anyway, the one time this summer I had to go by the school for something, I walked into my room, honestly having forgotten the new arrangement I left everything in, and immediately the weight of the world fell from my shoulders at seeing the place. So obviously there is chaos in my person right now. In 2 weeks I'll be in the week of workdays. In 3 weeks the kids will be back. I'll be ok, I always am, but this time frame leading into those days is very tumultuous and dances on my every insecurity, and something I would always react to with food. So far, so good, but everyday I expect the ice to break beneath my feet. I wish I had more weight loss under my belt before returning. As my Mom would so often say (I'll paraphrase) "wish in one hand and poop in the other and see which gets full first". Not for the one hateful kid specifically, but as my own armour against all the evils, real or imagined, is why I had hoped. I had hoped to lose 30 pounds this summer in addition to the 20 I had lost since Christmas. No one at work had noticed the 20. There might be mention once in a while, "have you lost weight?" or "I can see it in your face", but these comments came from the same people who said the same thing when my weight was creeping UP. I can get a haircut, highlights, or new glasses, and they peg the change on MY WEIGHT...go figure. Surely they'd notice 50 for real. I realize some people won't ever, ever, ever mention it at all whether they notice it or not for fear any mention of weight at all could be construed as insensitive. But instead I've dog-paddled the summer away until everything came together 3 weeks ago. Today I'm at -20...again/still. I might make -30 before the kids come back. Perhaps -50 before the holidays the way I'm currently living. I know I'm doing the right thing, perhaps confusing the right reason for doing it with too many that shouldn't matter. There. I wrote it down. It's out of me. A deep breath so I can move past it. *sigh*
On a some what different note...my anxiety dreams have started. It happens every year, and usually right about the time the calendar flips to August. I work with some of the most difficult kids in the school. "Difficult" being pale in regards to what one might find in a big city, but difficult nonetheless within the framework of our small town. I always dread going back to work. There was a time we actually got a whole 3 months off for the summer, but we got shorted a month this year. Summer is the only time I get to draw anymore, and that makes me sad. And really, the job and the kids...they're not BAD. The dread comes from my own selfishness. I want the attention I used to get from my artwork. I could be fat; I could be skinny. It didn't matter. The focus was on the artwork. But as a teacher, I have to physically stand in front of a classroom, or actually walk through a hallway filled with the possibility of thoughtless, hurtful comments from the mouths of children at an historically cruel age. And I'm defenseless. To back up a bit, this will be my 10th year in the school system. Doesn't seem possible, but here I am. Ten years ago, I was a stay-at-home mom and artist one day, and the next I was an unemployed single mom. A lot has happened, but in those 10 years, not once has a child ever been unkind or disrespectful to me in regards to my weight...until last year. A student made such a spectacle in the hallway, dragging another student with her to stand at the doorway of my classroom between bells, point at me, and make horrible commentary to her friend about my weight. Fortunately, my room was empty, and kudos to the student she dragged along with her who seemed disgusted that she'd been wrangled into the scene. Other kids in the hall paid her no mind, but it hurt. It hurt me so deeply. I almost had to close up shop that day and come home, but I was too embarrassed to relay what happened to my boss. It was weeks before I confided in anyone, and then I was told I should have reported the student, that my boss would have defended me and not allow any student to disrespect one of his teachers. I know that to be true, but at the same time, if that student were to be called to the office, embarrassed to be confronted in the first place, she would see to it the story radiated throughout the school among her peers. As it was, it was isolated and contained. She didn't get the response she wanted, so it died then and there, only I'm left holding the smoldering embers. So my biggest fear that I had harbored all those years became my reality, and still, for all the positive things that have happened over the years, that negative thing carries so much more, well, weight. This wasn't even a student I would ever have in class, and that's the sad thing. She doesn't even KNOW me! Kids who have had me, LOVE me. They go off to high school and bombard their 9th grade teacher with stories from my class...good stuff. I mean, my room is a safe haven for these kids, and it was for me until that day. Kids come back year after year, long after they've left middle school, to say "hi", get a hug, or just walk in my room again. They come tell me when they get their license, who they're going to Homecoming and prom with, they come tell me when their mom is diagnosed with cancer, or worse yet, when a parent dies or leaves. I was someone safe in their lives with whom they could confide, good or bad. Good memories, and they learned some Math along the way too. My kids respect me within my classroom because I respect them, and it's required from day one. My standards and expectations are very high. No potty mouth. But this kid didn't know that, obviously hadn't learned it at home, and in that instant, she scarred me for life. I'll never forget that day. And I still have another year of her in my school. In my anxiety dreams, I have so much anger and rage. One night I dreamed I dropped the F* bomb in class. And the thing is, it's all in my head. This is a "thing" I've created. The one kid fueled it and maybe even lit the final match, but it's not as bad, ever, as what scenarios play out in my head. I'm probably MOST comfortable IN my classroom. It's a comfortable place. With my husband's help in hooking up all my technology stuff and running cords and purchasing needed extensions, etc, my room will be more fine tuned, productive, and efficient than ever before, both for me and the kids. Organization has never been an issue, and my room is colorful, yet peaceful. Last year I made valances for he windows and added houseplants. I keep it really, really CLEAN. I'd like an aquarium, but I fear the temptation to squirt hand sanitizer in the tank would be too great for some kids. I might get a beta to keep in a vase with a peace lily plant. Anyway, the one time this summer I had to go by the school for something, I walked into my room, honestly having forgotten the new arrangement I left everything in, and immediately the weight of the world fell from my shoulders at seeing the place. So obviously there is chaos in my person right now. In 2 weeks I'll be in the week of workdays. In 3 weeks the kids will be back. I'll be ok, I always am, but this time frame leading into those days is very tumultuous and dances on my every insecurity, and something I would always react to with food. So far, so good, but everyday I expect the ice to break beneath my feet. I wish I had more weight loss under my belt before returning. As my Mom would so often say (I'll paraphrase) "wish in one hand and poop in the other and see which gets full first". Not for the one hateful kid specifically, but as my own armour against all the evils, real or imagined, is why I had hoped. I had hoped to lose 30 pounds this summer in addition to the 20 I had lost since Christmas. No one at work had noticed the 20. There might be mention once in a while, "have you lost weight?" or "I can see it in your face", but these comments came from the same people who said the same thing when my weight was creeping UP. I can get a haircut, highlights, or new glasses, and they peg the change on MY WEIGHT...go figure. Surely they'd notice 50 for real. I realize some people won't ever, ever, ever mention it at all whether they notice it or not for fear any mention of weight at all could be construed as insensitive. But instead I've dog-paddled the summer away until everything came together 3 weeks ago. Today I'm at -20...again/still. I might make -30 before the kids come back. Perhaps -50 before the holidays the way I'm currently living. I know I'm doing the right thing, perhaps confusing the right reason for doing it with too many that shouldn't matter. There. I wrote it down. It's out of me. A deep breath so I can move past it. *sigh*
Monday, August 2, 2010
One down...
Yesterday I shot for 1500 and ended the day at 1490 and 88oz water. :) This morning I was down a whole pound! Yay! It was a tight squeeze to reach 1500 since I literally did not begin consuming food until after 2pm. The last leg of my caloric intake consisted of 10oz's Franzia Chillable Red wine and 3/4 of a peanut butter chocolate chunk breakfast cookie just to get me to the finish line. Not something I'll make a habit of doing.
If you don't have digital food scales, I highly recommend them! It's nice, especially for eating this way. You can put your plate on the platform, reset the scale to zero, weigh in oz's or gm's, reset to zero after each food addition without moving the plate. Sweet! I also have the "Encyclopedia of Food Values", so for just about everything it will tell you calories (etc) per oz, per, 1/2 cup, per pound, and it goes in to all different cuts of meat, lean vs not, bone in or not, skin on, skin off. I bought the book probably 20 years ago and I'm sure it's been updated, but for everything else I either get the info off the label or search the internet. I can't trust my eyeballs to eyeball my servings. Not yet anyway. So if an ounce of pineapple is 14 calories, it's really quick and easy to accurately know what you're eating. And I'm writing everything down for now. I hate to admit it, but I sort of like the freedom of having the 1500 perimeter. Yesterday I didn't have any milk; today I had a yogurt for breakfast. In the grand scheme of things, I think I'll find the balance I had with the magnets just because that way of thinking IS normal for me now. I know there are parts of the food pyramid I don't like as much as others, but covering all bases has become habitual for me. It only took 20 years! Eventually, as I start to repeat breakfasts and stuff, I'll just write down "438 calories" instead of itemizing the foods day after day. This will help too in 3 weeks when husband takes over breakfast duties. He can refer to my notes for menus. He makes all the breakfasts when school is in session because my son and I have to leave the house a good half hour to 45 minutes before he does, and God knows I have hair and makeup to attend to in addition to showering and getting dressed. I pack our lunches the night before. It's quite a dance we do 9.5 months out of the year. During the summer, with me off, I make breakfast...MOST of the time. There's been a few mornings he's had McDonald's burritos, but I've been much better about getting up this summer. So...breakfast today was 1/2 breakfast cookie (155), 10 grapes (36), 2oz pineapple (28), 1oz strawberries (9), a hard boiled egg (70), a light yogurt (100), and 2 strips of reduced fat bacon (40), black coffee with splenda for a total of 438. Gotta love those strawberries! Would've had more, but that was the end of the vacation fruit tray. I'm going to keep the sectioned tray and fill it back up with a selection. It's nice having it already prepared to pick and choose from; especially handy to have it all in 1 container! I'll probably do the same with the veggie tray; go ahead and prep onions, peppers, mushrooms, and maybe squash and asparagus for quick omelet add-ins or stir frys. I'd rather make all the mess at once and cook clean and fast for a week; each tray has 5 sections. Whatever it takes...
If you don't have digital food scales, I highly recommend them! It's nice, especially for eating this way. You can put your plate on the platform, reset the scale to zero, weigh in oz's or gm's, reset to zero after each food addition without moving the plate. Sweet! I also have the "Encyclopedia of Food Values", so for just about everything it will tell you calories (etc) per oz, per, 1/2 cup, per pound, and it goes in to all different cuts of meat, lean vs not, bone in or not, skin on, skin off. I bought the book probably 20 years ago and I'm sure it's been updated, but for everything else I either get the info off the label or search the internet. I can't trust my eyeballs to eyeball my servings. Not yet anyway. So if an ounce of pineapple is 14 calories, it's really quick and easy to accurately know what you're eating. And I'm writing everything down for now. I hate to admit it, but I sort of like the freedom of having the 1500 perimeter. Yesterday I didn't have any milk; today I had a yogurt for breakfast. In the grand scheme of things, I think I'll find the balance I had with the magnets just because that way of thinking IS normal for me now. I know there are parts of the food pyramid I don't like as much as others, but covering all bases has become habitual for me. It only took 20 years! Eventually, as I start to repeat breakfasts and stuff, I'll just write down "438 calories" instead of itemizing the foods day after day. This will help too in 3 weeks when husband takes over breakfast duties. He can refer to my notes for menus. He makes all the breakfasts when school is in session because my son and I have to leave the house a good half hour to 45 minutes before he does, and God knows I have hair and makeup to attend to in addition to showering and getting dressed. I pack our lunches the night before. It's quite a dance we do 9.5 months out of the year. During the summer, with me off, I make breakfast...MOST of the time. There's been a few mornings he's had McDonald's burritos, but I've been much better about getting up this summer. So...breakfast today was 1/2 breakfast cookie (155), 10 grapes (36), 2oz pineapple (28), 1oz strawberries (9), a hard boiled egg (70), a light yogurt (100), and 2 strips of reduced fat bacon (40), black coffee with splenda for a total of 438. Gotta love those strawberries! Would've had more, but that was the end of the vacation fruit tray. I'm going to keep the sectioned tray and fill it back up with a selection. It's nice having it already prepared to pick and choose from; especially handy to have it all in 1 container! I'll probably do the same with the veggie tray; go ahead and prep onions, peppers, mushrooms, and maybe squash and asparagus for quick omelet add-ins or stir frys. I'd rather make all the mess at once and cook clean and fast for a week; each tray has 5 sections. Whatever it takes...
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Not SO bad
I suppose I own 3 of the pounds. :( They were still lurking this morning. I filled my half gallon jug with water, wiped the slate clean, and started again. It's hard for me though to eat again after what I see to be an obstacle. So far today, I've convinced myself I'm not hungry, and I refused to eat anything until I genuinely felt hunger, so my first meal of the day, and last one so far, was at about 2pm, and it was 2 fresco crunchy tacos from Taco Bell to the tune of 300 calories total. I drank 2 12 oz cups of cold water, no ice with the tacos and found it necessary to go to the bathroom twice at Food Lion before I was done shopping. That, and I'm 3/4 of the way through my half gallon jug, so I've more than had my 64 oz today. I wanted to at least break even and come home from vacation the same weight if not less, and since that wasn't the case, it makes me really unsure of what I'm supposed to do. I'm not discouraged, just spinning my wheels in a fit of confusion. I follow my magnets so I partake of the entire food pyramid every day and not just the parts I like most, but I'm torn. Should I abide by the 1500 calorie bank instead? That to me is a new language, and one that would require more time and energy to become fluent. I need to be comfortable in whatever I do before work begins again in 2 weeks, or 3 weeks at the most when the students return and my focus is on my job. Bathroom breaks will be at a minimum, so the water consumption will have to be plotted around whatever my eventual teaching schedule turns out to be. If I get the schedule I created and turned in for approval, I'll teach my first section of zero period ever, which begins at 7:35am, have an exceptionally large and difficult 1st period, supervise a study hall type class 2nd, co-teach an English class 3rd, have 4th period planning, then lunch, then teach a 5th period class, and have 6th period "free" for paperwork and parent meetings. I won't be consuming any liquids in the mornings for sure, as I cannot leave my classroom. I have a little freedom for that 3rd, wide open 4th and lunch, strapped 5th, but free from then on. I can sometimes get another teacher to eyeball my room during the 5 minutes between bells, but I wouldn't want that to become routine because MY routine should not be anyone else's inconvenience if this is going to work for the long term...and it will...eventually. My food intake needs to fall in to the work routine too. I have visions of me planning specific meals on index cards and figuring out the calories for that card, and committing to eat the same lunch for a week at a time. Otherwise, I'll go nuts.
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