Transitioning

As work days creep closer, today begins the first leg of the transition. My son returns home tonight after having been gone the entire summer doing what he loves to do. Tomorrow I'll begin taxiing him to and from band camp 20 miles away, morning and evening. That'll go through next Wednesday. Thursday and Friday will be "free", and then work days begin the following Monday. The summer flew by. I started thinking last night how THIS summer, albeit shorter than most, has been more satisfying. I got to do everything on my list of goals with the exception of reading lots of books. I started reading a novel back in June and had not picked it up all summer, so by-cracky, that's what I did last night; I crawled in bed early and read until I got tired. I took a real vacation this summer. I took a class this summer. I got together with girlfriends this summer. I started exercising. I entertained thoughts of getting a bike and got so far as to shop for one with no luck as of yet. Though I didn't lose 30 pounds like I would have liked, I do feel a greater thing occurred in that I got the whole lifestyle thing figured out. I have a sense of control I've not experienced before. The weight is coming off as evidence I have a good plan in place. And I was thinking yesterday too, that this is the first time in my history of "diets" that I haven't designated a "cheat" night. I think that's why this is working. There's nothing off limits. It's about discipline and good habits instead of deprivation and punishment with time off for "good" behavior. I haven't missed cheat night. In the past, failure followed because I'd undoubtedly over-indulge in high fat, sugary things that weren't good calorie choices. Given that this thing I battle is an addiction to food, certain foods triggered certain responses. The biggest, boldest example for me at the forefront of my brain would be cupcakes. Not the cake, but the frosting. And I was very particular about what kind of frosting and how thick it had to be applied. So once that particular variety was found, it would take every ounce of my being to not eradicate the whole 6 pack of them in one sitting. Eventually, as in a day or 2, I would take out the majority of them. My husband would look at the purchase with disgust, wondering how or why anyone would want such a thing. My son might eat one, he may even return later for a second, but he was usually too late. That's embarrassing to admit, but that's the way it was. WAS being the operative word. I know I'm not being denied anything. I can think of how badly I want to lose weight and how badly I want to be free of the aches and pains that come with carrying so much weight. I want to avoid to the greatest extent that I genetically can, all of the weight related conclusions morbid obesity invites, and extend my life rather than cut it short. I've never, not even once, wanted a cupcake THAT badly. I get impatient when the scales don't move, like today, but I have to remind myself I didn't get in this shape overnight. Nutrition was never discussed in my house growing up. Meat was fried and gravy was made from the drippin's. With gravy, you had to have mashed potatoes or rice, and there was often homemade white bread to be had as well. Fried potatoes in an iron skillet. Macaroni and cheese. Liver and onions, fried hearts and gizzards...good times. And there was ALWAYS a crock on the stove for bacon grease and it was added to every pot of green beans, pinto beans, navy beans...you name it. Nothing was ever steamed, and if the grill got used at all it was for ribeye steaks or maybe hamburgers once in a while. Hotdogs at least once a week. Ice cream was a BIG deal in my house; even my Dad loved it. It was like a cause for celebration and fanfare to make a special trip to Red Front grocery store and select a half gallon, almost always Heavenly Hash or Butter Brickle, but that wasn't all...we lined our bowls with a big glob of peanut butter first, and then mounded the ice cream on top. It wasn't unusual for a half gallon to get wiped out in one evening, and that was with only 4 of us in the house total for the parts of my childhood I remember. And since we'd made a special trip for the ice cream, we usually picked up a pack of cookies to go with it. Pizza was another weakness, and my Dad would usually initiate a late night order to Bob-A-Rea's maybe once every month or so...and it was 10-15 miles away and we lived where nobody delivered. So we'd polish off a large supreme sometime after dinner, but right at bedtime. After I learned to drive, I remember Mom offering to pay if I'd make the run in town to get either ice cream or Fritoes, and it was always after Dad had already gone to bed or he was working nights. I made the pizza run a lot too. Food filled every void in my childhood. We were a family of compulsive eaters; nothing in moderation. If we had it, we devoured it then and there. It seemed to please Mom when we'd go to the refrigerator late at night for a cold dressing ball or a wad of cold macaroni and cheese. We were all bottomless pits feeding our emotions, our insecurities, our fears, but seldomly, hunger. So it's a big deal to be breaking that cycle and re-inventing a way of life that's been in place since long before it was even recognized as a bad thing. I'm 45. My first success dieting came at 23 when I lost 99 pounds as I mentioned in my first post. So I basically have 23 years of bad habits followed by 22 years of a conscientious awareness of nutrition. I truly believe it took those 22 years to mentally un-do and re-write the previous 23 years of learned behavior, and that NOW I am mentally, physically, and emotionally set for success at this.