I fell short on my water intake yesterday. I didn't drink ANY. I had 2 huge glasses of decaf iced tea with splenda and lemon, and I had a mug of regular coffee with splenda to start the day, but was otherwise "dry". I wasn't on my game yesterday. Ounce by ounce, calorie by calorie, I was exactly 1500 at days end, but I was decidedly distracted and had a little anxiety building on the side in addition to the back-to-school business. My eyes were bothering me. Can't find a cause, but I've been to the eye Dr every year, this very same time of year, 3 years in a row now as of yesterday, for treatment. Yesterday being the worst of all cases, and when I called to describe the symptoms, they scheduled me immediately. Both eyes are infected and the protective layer that covers the eye is inflamed. Dr says allergies; so odd that it's always right now, and only during this time that whatever it is takes off and takes over. My eyes feel the same as eyes do when they're dilated; sort of semi-paralyzed, gritty, burning, itching. The thing that put yesterday over the top of most other days is that I was extremely sensitive to light. Going outside was like bee stings to my eyes in full sun. The remedy is antibiotic drops 4x/day, then an additional drop of a moisturizer at bedtime til Tuesday when I see him again for a regular exam on my uninflamed eyes to see if my bi-focal has changed and is causing additional stress. They were so bad yesterday that the Dr insisted I get all 4 doses of drops in before bedtime, and I didn't leave his office til 5:30. They DO feel soothed today.
The other calamity was the very unexpected e-mail from my husband saying his job is sending him to Japan August 15-20. That's my week of teacher workdays, and if you've read my blog regularly, you know how stressed out and anxious I am over that already. One of those work days is a 12 hour day for me, and there are major changes taking place within the system that will unfold that week. Trying to get food in proper perspective is a fulltime job in itself and anyone who doesn't battle the issue doesn't understand. My husband has no idea how much I was relying on him for support in so many facets for that particular week. He usually has dinner prepared and waiting when I get home late on the 12 hour day. Now I'm going to have to make food choices on the fly, not just for me, but for my son too. It's not his fault, and he certainly didn't choose to go to Japan on short notice, and it IS his job. Traditionally when he'd leave the country, my son and I made it "our" time, like it was before I re-married and it was just the 2 of us. We ate out nightly; I'm not ready for that challenge. I was counting on husband to be here to bounce things off of as changes unfold at work. I don't do change well. Change tortures my insecurities. Change makes me nervous. Change takes my focus away from where it needs to be. So here I've been preparing for the change that will occur with me going back to work and managing food and exercise in a new environment and time frame, girding up my loins for the potential kids have to hurt my feelings, and thinking of ways to keep stress at bay so it doesn't consume me like past years, but Japan pulled the rug out from under me. It sets off things within me that I'm struggling to contain and not react to. I'm uncomfortable. What has comforted me in the past? Food! I can't go there. I won't go there. It's like the e-mail overloaded my circuits and the whole system shut down last night. Fixing dinner was a chore; I couldn't focus. I couldn't say what I was thinking because it wasn't nice and would only compound how bad my husband was already feeling about it. Thing is, his reaction to having to go is on the surface and he doesn't dwell on it. My reaction has layer upon layer upon layer of things going on, and because he doesn't struggle like I do, he doesn't see it. It opens wounds for me that I can't talk about without tears, and God knows my eyes hurt enough already without that, so best I can do is write it down and be done with it.
Food has been ok. Yesterday I was right on 1500 exactly. Weight is creeping down fractions of a pound each day; water yesterday would have helped and probably ridded me of the last fraction of vacation. This morning I had a breakfast cookie and a 3oz banana. I ran my son to band camp, paid some bills, and ran by the school to start putting my room together. I ordered textbooks, and talked to my boss awhile. I got the schedule I most wanted, so I'll now teach zero period through 5th and be done for the day; I won't have a 6th period class, but I will have my first homeroom ever. It amounts to my zero period class, which I hand picked. I'll still be in the building 6th since I have to wait for my son to finish his day at the high school, but can use that time for paperwork and parent meetings and then really leave on the last bell when he's released and be home by 3. Not to say that will happen all the time. When they begin remediation for students that didn't pass their SOLs, I'll be hired on a separate contract to work with students 6th period from Nov-April. The majority of my paperwork and meetings need to take place before Nov and after April, so it is a schedule of my own design, so I cannot, will not complain. It also takes me off of another contracted position I've filled for years and no longer wanted...morning supervision...watching all the kids who didn't have zero period classes. The money wasn't worth it and the kids have no respect for women in positions of authority...it got old, really fast. If I can be home by 3, or even 3:30, I can make it to the Y and have a good, solid workout without guilt and still have time to put a good, calorie smart dinner on the table, AND not have school work needing to be done after dinner. I think I made a good decision all the way around to advocate for my self and my well being, and I'm happy my boss ok'd it. It's something that's never been allowed before, but I presented a really good case for it; everybody wins...I'd have been shocked beyond words had the boss found a reason to say no.
After I did all I cared to do there, I made a bank run and hit Office Max for a calendar so I can start laying everything out; reminders of how complicated things are about to become. Still feeling the inner turmoil, and I have to confess my wheels were turning on the ride home of what all I could possibly get in to. And like a smoldering wick, I had to wet my fingers and extinguish each thought. I considered Arby's, Wendy's, Taco Bell...I was thinking of the "safe" places where I know what to order to stay within my calories, but nonetheless, it was an antiquated response to stressors that I'm trying to eliminate altogether. A small Wendy's chili is fine. Tacos from the Fresco menu are great. A jr roast beef is divine, but let me have those when they're not a response to an event, a band aid on a sore place. I came home and weighed out a big bowl of fresh fruit into my fab-u-lous gift to myself...I found some AWEsome pottery in a gallery in Chattanooga. Just right for proper portions and the colors are unlike anything I have ever seen. They make me feel really special because I only bought them for me and my meal presentation. I got myself a mug and 3 small bowls, thinking fruit for one, oatmeal or cereal for another, and salsa for the 3rd. I hope to add more pieces eventually. Anyway, I had a bowl of fruit, a small 100 calorie yogurt topped with granola, and a sandwich made with a Joseph's pita, a laughing cow light cheese wedge spead over it (new flavor!!! Parmesan, mozzarella, sundried tomato & basil....35 calories!). Then I added ham, pickle, tomato, lettuce, red onion...everything was weighed to the fraction of an ounce and calculated...it all rang up to 415 calories, and I was stuffed. Breakfast was an even 400. Off to push some water. :)
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