Fighting it....fighting it...!

No one has noticed I've lost weight. I did get 2 compliments on my outfit today, all brand new and a size smaller. The one in particular caught me off guard, and the giver realized it. It made me feel especially good because I know this person doesn't give out compliments freely. Today was the first day in well over a year I've worn a skirt. No one has mentioned my hair. That's ok...by Spring, they're gonna wonder what hit 'em. This change is for real. It's not a diet. It's the culmination of 23 years of re-learning and putting into practice following 23 years of really bad habits and not knowing any better.

Wine has made me mellow and the tears have dried from the parts of my day I'v chosen to edit out of this post. Gears are shifted and I can let go of today for now. Tomorrow will be better emotionally, but by God...I'm not letting this, THEM, IT break me. They hit a nerve, and I will not give in to the dark side and respond as I have in the past. Somewhere I have a note in my Mom's handwriting. It was a note she wrote to herself and kept in the drawer of the kitchen table at her place. It said, "Nothing tastes as good as feeling good feels." I found it after she died and retrieved it from the trashcan when my Dad threw it away. On the back is a note in my Dad's handwriting he had left on the table telling one of us kids to make ourselves at home, where he was, and when he'd be back. Obviously, he grabbed the first piece of available paper within reach, and for whatever reason he was able to disregard my dead mother's writings. I kept it, mainly thinking it was cool to have a piece of paper with samples of both my parents' handwriting, but everything about my Mom was, and still is, near and dear to my heart. Somewhere I have tucked away the silver sweetner holder I gave Mom when we lost all our weight 23 years ago. I had it engraved, "We did it!" It was still in her purse when she died...along with the pack of cigarettes, a lighter, and an ashtray she fashioned out of aluminum foil. She kept it so she could sneak a few drags when she went into public restrooms. Who was going to question how long it took her to do her business?! She never really broke the habit despite her efforts to convince us she had. I was kind of relieved to learn she hadn't given up everything and that she continued to do one thing that gave her pleasure until the end. Diabetes took away the foods she loved, and gradually she lost mobility and was confined to a wheelchair. Sometimes the rescue squad had to come and get her up off the floor or out of the tub when she'd fall; her weight made it difficult for any single person to help her and I know that was humiliating for her. The little sweetner thing is cute though...it'll hold maybe 4 packs of sweetner. I never saw one before, and have never seen one since. I need to find it.