Must've been...

Yesterday was difficult at best, though I finished the day at 1538 calories and woke up this morning, down 3.5 pounds from yesterday. Old habits are hard to break, and I found myself constantly reaching for food for comfort and would have to regroup and find new direction. As a result, we have embarked upon rearranging all the furniture in the main part of the house, cleaning as we go, etc. It's looking much more user friendly. Five years in this house and we've been constantly trying to find the right mix of furniture and lighting for each area, always one extension cord short or lacking an end table. I feel such an internal battle. Old wounds. Waking up in a sweat, fearing my ex's next step will be to take me to court for a change in custody. It breaks my heart. Ex wanted no part of him when he was small and delicate. I was responsible for his care entirely and he was old enough at the time to still remember the night his Dad walked out on us and all that followed. Now he acts like he's the coolest thing since sliced bread, can't get enough of him, while my husband and I are being ridiculed. I don't get it, but I'm fighting the battle nonetheless and war rages internally, physical battle scars grow in number every day. I look in the mirror and wonder what happened. My school pictures arrived, taken a month ago, and I don't see myself in them. They were from before all this. Now I see bags under my eyes and dark circles and I don't really care what my hair looks like. My skin appears dull and the whites of my eyes aren't bright. Makeup can only do so much! As much as I dream of quitting my job, that's the one place now where I'm on my game and I find something I need in the faces of other peoples' kids. Everybody says this is a phase and everything will return to normal. I believe that. I really do. But it can't erase the fact that history was made last night with him going to his first big dance and he went to great effort to exclude me from this milestone. Maybe it was more an issue of timing than of the crime itself. Stress at work was at high tide when this cut loose. Maybe I'd have handled it differently if I'd have had any wind left in my sail that night, but from my perspective, he timed his performance, knowingly. I don't know. I'm just typing. Trying to get it out of me so I can move past it. He's due home today and the plan was to work together cleaning his room, boxing old clothes for Goodwill and putting things in recycling. We also purchased a shelving unit for in his closet to give him storage space...once we can get TO the closet! I know I feel better when there's order to my surroundings.