A Day Off...more cooking

My internet isn’t connecting today and that makes me incredibly squirrely. I’m used to checking in with my Facebook friends, my AOL’s, and even work. That knits a kink in my knickers! Also, it’s my niece’s birthday and I’d like to wish her a happy one before it’s all used up. It’ll be late tonight before my husband gets home to jiggle whatever wires the cats have raced through, but at least with the time difference from here to Alaska, it’ll still be late afternoon/early evening her time when I’m up and running again.

It’s my day off thanks to MLK. My weekend wasn’t all it could’ve been, so I’m glad to have a do-over today. Saturday was nice in many ways because I started the day on the scales and had enjoyed tremendous loss. Sounds funny as I type it and say it I my head…Who enjoys tremendous loss? That’s normally associated with death. This was far from it. I’m l-i-v-i-n-g…better and better each day. Saturday night I enjoyed a candlelight dinner with my hubby at a very nice restaurant, compliments of my 16 year old son. He gave us a gift certificate for Christmas; the first shopping he’s done under his own power as a new driver. I did not fret the evening. I went into it with over 700 calories left for the day, and I navigated the menu like a pro. Not like I haven’t done this before, right? I had what I genuinely wanted, but didn’t succumb to the remaining hot rolls and herb butter, nor did I order dessert. Instead, I had seared scallops and shrimp (4 of each), jasmine rice, seasonal steamed veggies, ONE roll with herb butter, and a single glass of wine. It was so good. Sunday morning was the kicker…the dog whimpered to announce he was ready to go out. I went to get up, but the other dog was lying by the side of the bed and I had to get out around the obstacle. I did something wrong and a pain went through my lower back so severe that it took my breath and made me feel faint and clammy. It was the most bizarre thing! I was fine lying down, and I was fine standing. Sitting was uncomfortable, and getting from standing to sitting or vice versa was excruciating. It made going to the bathroom problematic…everything. So I stood most of the day and puttered in the kitchen trying new recipes and planning for the week. I had taken a Rx painkiller, but it didn’t help; it just made my head foggy. I didn’t feel any relief until this morning when I took 3 ibuprofen and a hot, hot bath. I think the time in the tub gave the ibuprofen time to start working, and by the time I got out, I felt normal. I have since made myself a fresh pot of coffee and am enjoying a mug now with a tablespoon of cream. Not something I make a habit of, but I had a wee small amount left from holiday baking and decided I’d ration myself some.

I highly recommend the Splenda cookbook. Everything I’ve tried has been a delightful find. Yesterday I made a margarita cheesecake. It uses cottage cheese, fat free and light cream cheeses, and light sour cream. It also uses whole eggs and additional whites. It is very rich and creamy looking and the taste is pleasing. I made mine using a recommendation printed off to the side using pretzels instead of graham crackers for the crust so as to add a bit of saltiness if you prefer your rim salted when enjoying the real thing. I do, so I did. Even my son ate it without thinking anything was amiss. (aka: diet) What he didn’t like were the breakfast cheesecakes I made yesterday as well, from the same cookbook. I agree to an extent. They were not top shelf. They were a shelf or two lower. I can easily fix that. I think what we both found offensive was the immediate almond flavor from the extract the recipe called for. It hit me like something that might have been sitting in a musty cupboard. We’re not really into almond. That, and the orange peel surfaced, so it was a little grainy on top. Otherwise, the consistency was that of cheesecake, and I could easily see pairing this with fresh berries, maybe even some melted sugarless jelly glaze! The almond extract needs to go…perhaps orange or lemon…or brandy…rum…coconut….just not almond.

TyLing brand Wasabi Sauce is a new find I am crazy about! We are a family of sushi eaters, and we love the salty goodness of soy sauce with the punch wasabi mixed in gives. This sauce, recommended for use on tuna steaks (let me just say, yuk), is the perfect blend of sweet and salty, ginger and wasabi! It is fantastic drizzled in a wrap of chicken, onion, green pepper, lettuce, and cucumber. That was my lunch yesterday, today, and tomorrow. I use ½ of a Joseph’s whole wheat, oat bran and flax lavash bread for 50 calories, weigh out 2oz shaved deli chicken, measure the sauce, and allow myself unlimited veggies. That, at the same time I lowered my daily budget by 100 calories. It takes a lot of vegetables to reach 100!

I just finished making a bowl of carrot salad. Sugar free orange jello, a large can of drained crushed pineapple, a can of sliced water chestnuts, and most of a pound of carrots, grated. It’s something nice to have on hand to fill up empty spaces.

The other thing I did today was I called and scheduled my yearly ob/gyn appointment AND my yearly mammogram. Both are overdue, sort of. I got my mammogram reminder in July right around the time I first started down the path I’m on now. I didn’t want to be all pumped up about my newfound success only to be met by a Dr saying I needed to lose weight, or peddle weight loss surgery to me again. I wanted to make it happen on my own. All I needed was time. And then I got off track, so I needed more time. So here I am today, I'm doing it AND I have time! Yay! The ob/gyn visit wasn’t as pressing. I’m still in the bracket where once every other year makes them happy providing there’s nothing suspicious from the previous year to pursue, and there isn't/wasn't. Throughout the whole fertility, or lack thereof, regimen I saw him monthly…for years….up until maybe a year, year and a half ago. He could probably paint the thing from memory. (that was funny, I don't care what scars you get from the visual) I still harbor this tiny bit of hope that one month I’ll be late and have an entirely different reason to see him. So maybe that’s why. Have I given up hope? No. Not really. But, as always, they are booked way out, so I won’t see him until April 12! Do you know what that means??? It means if I can meet my monthly goals between now and then, I will be 45-50 pounds lower than the last weight he saw me at! That, and blood work will follow that visit, so I will have a good, solid 3 and a half months of healthy living under my belt! That HAS to make a difference in test results. Knowing I’ve made the call and have committed to the visit, I feel more determined to live this way every day. I want the absolute best results I’ve ever seen. The numbers are important to me, and I’ve often wondered what my Mom’s numbers looked like when she was my age. I know my parents were on a multitude of medications for every malady known to man or beast, and so far I am drug free. My cholesterol isn’t great, but still not prompting anyone to lower it by means of medicine. My blood pressure was 128/78 when I had it checked last. That’s not bad. I’ve always looked forward to blood work results in the past, and that was when I was maybe eating healthy foods, but not watching portions. Over the course of the last 25 years, I’ve whittled my choices down to life sustaining ones; some days I just ate too many of them. I wasn’t so fortunate on the mammogram appointment to be scheduled months out; I go day after tomorrow!

Another Rung of the Ladder

SIX POUNDS. I lost 6 pounds this week! I like the way those words look. I like the way they sound. Ohhhhh. I've struggled this week over numbers. I made a pot of Pasta Fagioli last weekend. It's not unlike my Minestrone in flavor, but my Minestrone is loaded with vegetables. The Pasta Fagioli was a dry bean variety mix from the grocery store with a packet of seasonings, and the only vegetables added were some onion, celery, carrot and a can to tomato sauce. A half cup was 120 calories. A CUP of my Minestrone (thanks to the veggie content)is 114. A cup of anything fills me up for a while. A half cup of something doesn't cut it. So I found myself having 1 cup portions, 240 calories, add a fruit, add a sandwich at times, and come bedtime, I was out of calories and could not settle into bed with a hot tea and SOMEthing. I won't do the Pasta Fagioli again, but I'm relieved to see the scales responded SO favorably. I just didn't like the squirrely feeling I got when at 6pm I had no play room. Sometimes I want a glass of wine with dinner. Most nights, there wasn't anything left in the calorie budget to allow it. I went without. "I went without". Those words poke sharp pins in my inner sense of deprivation; a sensation not conducive to my success. I realized it, and at one point reached out via Facebook where I was sustained by encouraging words. My next status update was as follows:

"The next time I'm teetering on the brink of caloric destruction, someone remind me how good it felt this morning to wake up and not feel defeated. I would never beat myself up over half a banana, but there could have been an avalanche had I opted to open the pantry door, and I'd have been forced to eat my way out."

It was such a relief to start a new day on the high road. It's been a good week. I've stocked my arsenal (freezer) with ammo for the week. There's a very small turkey breast. There's a tray of 4 boneless piggie steaks. There's a plump chicken for another beer can bird. Last night was baked salmon. I'm 2 pounds away from my monthly goal with 2 Saturdays left. It's working. I'm doing it. When I look at my goal sheet that is already laid out for an entire year of Saturday weigh-ins, I see where I was in August. I see where I started this new year with monthly goals. I see where I am now and look at where I have vision to be in July, and I am without words. I cannot believe it will happen, but in the swirl of the tornado right now, I know it IS happening. It IS possible!

It Worked! -4.5 pounds!

I admit to stepping on the scales during the week, so I'd be telling a fib if I said I was surprised on the scale this morning. I knew the weight was coming off. I knew I felt better. I knew I was pleasantly surprised I could pull on my jeans Thursday and had room to spare...I still have other jeans that piss me off, but for week #1 (again), this was a week of "Good", with a big "G". It was easier than I thought it would be. I "just did it". Sometime during the week, I even patted myself on the back when I realized a shorter interval had passed between the time it took me to fall off the wagon and the time I dusted myself off and got back on. So to me, it's not just a matter of having adjusted food; it's a shift in the whole wellness package for the better. I'm pretty excited that we'll be going grocery shopping this weekend. I make better choices when I'm pumped up from positive results. This week was a week of picking through what was already in the house, making use of leftovers from the New Years' Day feast. There were many more good choices on the agenda than bad. I'd say for every peak of things I should enjoy in moderation, there were 2 valleys of things I could enjoy with wild abandon. Eventually, I lost my lust for Mom's macaroni and cheese, and came to rely on collards cooked with onions and no fat, or my stewed tomatoes/onions/jalapenos/green peppers to fill in hungry spots. My biggest crutch of the week was homemade minestrone soup. One cup = 114 low fat calories, so I enjoyed it once or twice a day. It was a good week.

Day....??? Who's counting?

I feel better today, right now, in this moment, than I have felt for weeks. Weight is coming off and food is leveling out and showing signs of repair. I found a really incredibly tasty organic green tea yesterday. Now, when I say tasty, let me just preface that with the fact that I allowed it to replace my coffee today. I'm not a BIG coffee drinker like I once was...more than a mug or 2 and my stomach doesn't feel so good. But this tea...MAN! I can't describe the flavor. And I sweeten it with the loose granulated Splenda that has fiber added...just a bit. It's so good. I had 2 mugs before I left for a conference today, made a 2 mug sized travel mug to take with me, and then made another travel mug full AT the conference, though that was their version of green tea, and it wasn't as good. Point being, I haven't had or desired coffee today. And though coffee probably does not factor into my weight like a piece of chicken skin would, I like that while I'm making adjustments in my caloric intake, I'm also getting the benefits of an antioxidant. I feel like I have more energy, but it's been so long since I've done anything at all, I'm not sure where to channel it.
I had to attend a conference today. It was the 3rd in a 3 part series spread over the course of 3 months. I knew from past experience that my food choices would be treacherous terrain for me. I am the sort of person that if I screw up early in the day, the whole day is in ruins. I cannot mentally recover from a caloric error in judgement at this stage of the game. I want good results when I meet the scale on Saturday. I don't want to waste any time. The sooner I am successful, the longer I'll have to enjoy it. So while a chicken was baking and squash was steaming for dinner last night, I made mention of my dilema and my insecurities about facing the day. I debated my options. I could carry my own lunch in and eat at the table of 8, but I did that once before and became totally invisible; no one spoke to me and it made me feel awkward and ashamed. My other option was to carry my food and disappear during the choas of several hundred people getting to the restrooms and/or buffet, and go eat in my car. That was the plan that I was most comfortable with, but it's the one that very nearly made my husband mad. His rationale was that I needed to eat at the buffet, take what I could have, eat salad, and stay away from dessert. I'm too obsessive compulsive for that. It's all or nothing. I awoke with a plan. I packed myself a 70 calorie cheese stick, 30 calories worth of orange, and 200 calories of chocolate mini wheats. That was my safety net. If all else failed, I had something to fall back on. I kept it in my purse. Lunch rolled around and to my good fortune it offered salad, roast beef, mashed potatoes, gravy, green beans, rolls/butter, and enormous slices of cake that were clearly left over from Christmas parties this place catered. I positioned myself last in line so I could formulate my attack. I would bypass the salad plates, grab a dinner plate, shift back to the salad bowl and fill my dinner plate, not FULL, but fluffier than a salad plate would permit. I used half or less a ladle of honey mustard dressing, bypassed the mashed potatoes and gravy, took 2 slabs of roast beef, and filled the remaining space with green beans. No roll. No dessert. Having that stash in my purse made all the difference in the world. I had a choice!

Day 1...again

It's a new year, and with that, I recommit to a plan. When I first started doing what turned out to be the right thing for me, it was summer. As predicted, as soon as I returned to work, the "habits" I entertained on summer schedule didn't translate well to my job schedule, routine, or stress level. Bit by bit, my success deteriorated. I still ended the year with a 12 pound deficit from where I originally embraced some form of determination to make this thing happen. I've never given up, but felt defeated from time to time, each blow making me a little weaker. I resolved to get through the holidays, enjoy them (and by saying that, I do not mean my plan was to approach food with wild abandon), and begin again. I made modifications to what I've done in the past. Baked goods were still baked, but I stored them in the garage where it was near freezing or below. I was far less likely to graze, and even less likely than that to bother finding shoes to run out on the cold concrete to retrieve something. It just wasn't worth it. I drank hot tea more often to fill the void.
Now that the new year (clean slate) has arrived, I decided I'd make a conscious decision every day to do something positive towards my goal. So yesterday, I pulled out my journal where I successfully logged my foods and calories through the summer. I started a fresh section, packed my lunch for today and recorded the foods and calories. I also measured out my lunch portions of homemade minestrone soup for the remainder of the week. To that I'll add a 100 calorie yogurt and an apple each day, weighing the apple of course. Today I made several positive choices: I took the stairs on several occasions and only used the elevator at the end of the day when my knee was rebelling from returning to work. I ate my lunch at lunch time rather than eating early during my planning period. When I got home, I was hungry, but could still make thoughtful, wise decisions. I prepared myself a snack: 30g crackers, 1.5 oz American cheese and 1.5 oz beef less bologna. I weighed it and recorded it before I'd allow myself to eat it. My thought as I did so was, "I'm worth this!" I'm currently enjoying an enormous glass of decaf iced tea sweetened with splenda. Supper will be a challenge since we still have leftovers from our New Years feast. OH! That's the other thing! While the snack had me feeling empowered, I packed up all the remaining cake, cookies, candy, etc and prepared a box to take to work. I'll leave it in the teacher's lounge, fill my coffee cup, and be gone. I'm telling myself "their gain will be my loss". Nasty, I know, but if it helps me achieve my goal and humors me along the way, so be it. So I think my strides are pretty great for this only being day 2 in thought, day 1 in deed. It's not like I don't know what to do, and I do recall how much better I truly did feel when I was behaving. My knees hurt less, I could move better, I could last longer, and I enjoyed buying smaller clothes. The slate is clean, and I'm the only person allowed to write on it. It's my choice. I'm doing this for ME. Nothing tastes as good as feeling good feels...my Momma said that, so it must be true. :)

Ok...It's ON!

I've been on a slippery slope for some time now. I totally lost whatever grip I had, what, 6 weeks ago?...When I stopped blogging. Nonetheless, I was doing wrong before I stopped confessing. Though modifications were made along the way to prevent total catastrophe, I still managed to follow the national average and gained 11 pounds from Halloween to Christmas. That being said, I am still quite happy to report I am 12 pounds below where I was one year ago today! Historically, I cannot recall more than a small handful of years where I did not progressively gain from year to year, so to me, a deficit of 12 pounds is equivalent to the brakes being to the floor, screeching, and that makes me happy. So today, I got on the scales again. I opened the Word document I started back in August and entered my current weight. I went to the end of each month and typed in a goal for that month indicating my desire to lose an average of 2.5 per week. It helped me to see what I might accomplish by the end of this coming summer. Really! It did! To see what number I'd be at if I mind my manners, rather than saying "I'd like to lose 100 pounds"...it seems so much more realistic when the commitment is laid out in baby steps. Next, at some point in the next month, I will establish a reward system for myself for reaching my monthly goal. I'm thinking maybe a Christmas ornament for each goal since Christmas is my bookmark date, frog ornaments maybe, so I can devote an entire small tree to my accomplishment. I keep a small, skinny tree up year round in my spare room, and it doesn't have anything on it. Just thinking... Any ideas?

I'm Here

Forgot to weigh on Saturday until after I had had my coffee and nibbled. Weighed on Sunday and I was up. No surprise. It wasn't terrible, and I was already sliding back into better choices. As of today, I still have not gone to the grocery store since before I got sick, so we are literally down to condiments. The fridge is so empty, I have wiped down the shelves! I'm making a grocery run this evening when I take my son to work. This has to go better when I have choices. As it is, I've nibbled in search of what it is I'm hungry for, when all I really want if a full meal. Fruits and vegetables have not been high on my list for 2 weeks. I did go get my blood pressure checked today. I hadn't had it checked since I was in the doctor's office 2 weeks ago, and it was 180/110 then. Today, I am proud to say, it was.....drum roll please....120/78. That alone is incentive to not give up on beating my odds. I already have.
Exciting news.....we got a hot tub! We had talked about it for some time, looked at them a while, and finally picked one. It was delivered day before yesterday. It took 24 hours to heat the water to 104 degrees, but as of last night at 9pm, it's juuuuuuuuust right. We put it under the existing deck so we can use it in any weather, and we have a 180 degree view side to side of sky and mountains. It was clear and twinkly out last night. For people who never go anywhere or do anything, this is a HUGE treat!!