Day 2...not bad!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012
I got a little wiggy over breakfast, not really having time to sit down and savour my meal. Instead, I weighed 2 options...running out the door without any food, or snarfing down a 130 calorie homemade breakfast cheesecake. I snarfed. It held me nicely until late morning. I could have grabbed a banana, but I like to weigh those, and just didn't bank enough time on the front end of my day to do that and get me out the door on time. I had pre-planned snacks for today, and had a half ounce roasted, unsalted almonds in my purse, so I pulled those out and ate them one at a time (they taste better that way, as do M&Ms, but I digress...) to hold me until we were released from our in-service to go eat the lunch that was provided for us. I knew my boss' favorite lunch to provide, so I packed mine. I had a moment of feeling like a misfit and considered eating away from the herd, but then I decided "Hell no!" I'm doing what I need to do FOR ME. After work, I had an appointment to see the knee surgeon at 4:15, so I knew I'd be getting hungry. I packed half a protein bar to tie me over, even cutting it into nice little bite size squares that very closely resembled fudge. :) That got me through the appointment (which did not come to pass until 5:15!), then I stopped to buy gas, ran to Office Max, and then to Kroger for a Lite Caesar Salad mix to go with the last grilled chicken breast my husband and I split for supper atop the salad. I still have 370 calories left for "soon"...it hasn't been bad. My success will be dependent upon pre-planning. Tomorrow I hope to get a walk in before heading home, somewhere flat. Knee has improved and the surgeon was pleased with the PT progress, so he technically has released me to the care of the PT who will see me again in a month to check my progress with the at-home exercises I've been assigned to do. I'll see him a month after that, and then be on my own. All things considered, I feel good. :)

Friend Makin' Monday: Weight Loss Tips

I'm new to this, and really don't know if I'm following protocol, but we shall see! The things I have found helpful are:

1. Buy nice digital scales; weigh and measure everything...and write it down.


2. Save a few calories to enjoy at the end of the day with the satisfaction that you DID it another day! Close out your calorie account and turn off the kitchen light for the night.


3. Presentation, presentation, presentation! Don't eat anything until everything you PLAN to eat has made it into the presentation weighed and measured.


4. Put dinner plates on the top shelf and eat off smaller plates, fun plates, or saucers.


5. Don't weigh every day.


6. Invest in cookbooks that are within your comfort level of cooking and have recipes that include the nutritional information, using ingredients you're most likely to have on hand or can get without stopping at 3 different grocery stores. Try 1 new recipe each week.


7. Shop with a list, and never shop on an empty stomach.


8. Subscribe to a blog you enjoy so updates arrive by e-mail. I, personally, open my e-mail during the hardest part of my day...I've just walked in the door from work, hungry, with several hours to go before supper. One day I was eating chips when I got Kenlie's update. Another day I was having cake. At that point, I decided there was something wrong with the picture, and so...here I am...networking for support to create change.

Promises Aren't Meant to be Broken

Monday, January 16, 2012
In my next to last post, I promised I wouldn't go another 4 months without posting. I didn't...I went more like 7...almost to the day. Summer went down hill fast. I spent it alone for the most part as my husband traveled non-stop with his job. My son worked in the woods, and on the rare occasions that he ventured out, it was to go to Walmart to restock camp supplies and ride in grocery carts...as it should be. I'm glad he's living the life. I mentioned knee pain in my last post; that escalated into a major ordeal and I have just completed a round of physical therapy and see the surgeon again tomorrow. Not for surgery; just for him to poke it and nod, and probably insist I lose weight. After that, there were female problems that required attention, my father-in-law taking a sudden turn for the worse (though he has since regained vitality), and currently my father's decline in health. We had to make the decision to put him in a facility just before Christmas so he'd receive proper care, no longer able to consistently care for himself and be safe. So Christmas was hard. I half-heartedly put up a tree and put candles in the windows, and that was it. The tree is still up. No joke. And it's on a timer, so yeah, it's on every night. No wonder the neighbors don't associate with us. In September, I made the decision with my husband's support to have lap band surgery. I never wanted to go that route, but I didn't want to spend the remainder of my life fighting a battle I've never won. We went to the info session, I attended the support group, we started eating dinner on saucers instead of plates...then insurance denied us. I was beyond sad. That was the end of the road in choices, and I was denied access to the only hope that remained. Somewhere within that lost time frame, I went on a mild anti-depressant; some days it works better than others. I don't mean to sound like Eeyore. Really, I'm plugging along, no worse for wear. That's just the scenario of events leading up to where I am today.
I originally dug through the deep, dark recesses of my brain trying to remember my password to get on here and delete this blog, if that's even possible, and/or begin a new one. As I started re-reading old posts and looking at pictures, I realized I'm a work in progress, and if I delete the progression, then it's just work. It did me good to look back and see the enthusiasm I had, to see pictures I enjoyed taking, to see the time I invested in myself making pretty food. It wasn't for nothing. In the past 7 months, I've continued to get on the scales. Not with any real determination to make them move, but more to see if I was doing any real damage while I was emotionally adrift between rocks and hard places.
I am HAPPY to say this morning that I am pleased. Not sure if that's a proper break to begin a new paragraph, but I wanted emphasis on HAPPY, and what I discovered. In my last post, I yammered about my 8 pound loss for the week, but I really didn't recollect what number that put me on. You know what I mean. At some point in this process, they're all just numbers and all that really matters is that they get smaller, not what they are. I don't know what I weighed June 16, 2011. Fortunately, I tracked that elsewhere and it didn't take long for me to look it up. So here's the news. I'm only 4 pounds up in 7 months. That to me has "victory" written all over it. As an emotional eater, with all of the emotions I have experienced in 7 undocumented months, I apparently found another way more than once to deal with it. I'm happy with that. In years past, I have gained upwards of 15 pounds over the holidays, starting in October with Halloween candy. This year I bought Tootsie Pops and put the basket on the stoop; never even answered the door, but when I went to turn the lights out and retrieve the basket, it was empty. No residual chocolate to consume. Thanksgiving was the usual fare, and leftovers. Christmas, not so much. I baked on request. If my son wanted cookies, I made him cookies and he took the off with him to the rescue squad, where he volunteers. If he wanted rum cake, I made rum cake. Other than that, I made the one cake that has always been present on Christmas and I enjoyed it thoroughly, as often as I wanted. It was a trade off. I made the one thing I most wanted instead of producing a Martha Stewart variety of choices to graze on. It paid off. I do remember the highest number I ever reached, and even with my 4 pound gain in 7 months, I'm still 15 below that, and that I can handle. Like I said, it's much better than I expected given my history.
So today I begin again. Yesterday was spent in preparation for today and the week that will follow. I bought turkey breast, weighed it out into 90 calorie bags. I bought roasted, unsalted almonds, and weighed them out into 1/2 oz, 90 calorie portions. I bought fiber bars, and baby carrots, and blueberries, and almond milk. The arsenal is stocked. I made breakfast cheesecakes...I had gotten into the funk of not eating breakfast, and working through lunch, and then coming home at 4 starved. I'd eat the king's ransom and spoil my appetite for supper, but eat again anyway. I can't remember the last time I drank water. I drank coffee or wine. I won't give up either, but today they get put back into proper perspective. The cheesecakes will make a nice start to my day. They're already made, all 7 custard cup sized...mainly cottage cheese, light cream cheese and egg whites, Splenda, almond extract and orange peel. I like them with blueberries. I bought low sugar protein bars to have half before 3rd period, and the other half before I leave my classroom so as not to go home ravenous. I'm hoping half a bar gives me enough oomph to get me through an hour of some activity, all of which I can take advantage of on school grounds: walking the track, lifting weights, using a recumbent stepper or bike, treadmill, whatever...something every day before I leave work. Part of my physical therapy involved finding motion control shoes to correct my severe pronation, so I'm always IN tennis shoes...no excuse to not go walk the flat track before heading home. I have to work up to doing stairs. I've been doing stairs, but I've been doing them incorrectly. I can only correctly do up to 3" steps right now...stairs in buildings are 7", so I have some work to do.

Friday

I'm out of sorts today. No particular reason; probably a bunch of collective ones. Hubby leaves tomorrow for a work week in Mexico. My son is in the woods for the entire summer working Scout camp, and e-mailed this morning that a friend of his from the other Scout camp was killed in a wreck last Sunday. That sends a mom's wits on a bad journey, especially as Father's Day approaches. How many times a day do I worry about the same thing happening to my own son? I cooked all day yesterday to provide lunch to some Japanese engineers visiting my husband's work. I enjoyed doing it, but now the fruits of my labor are gone and I'm left with an empty fridge and a dirty kitchen. Hubby seemed out of sorts this morning. He didn't get home until late last night as a whole group took the Japanese visitors out to dinner. I could stand still and watch my whole life swirl around me, or so it feels. And I didn't sleep good. For the past week, I've babied my left knee. It hadn't given me any trouble in many months, but suddenly it's really hurting. Things I could do a week ago, I can't do now. Last night, the knee pain remained constant and radiated to my legs through the night, so I never stayed in one position for long. I blamed it on too many trips up and down a set of 3 stairs to move artwork for display last Friday. It was fine before that. What it boils down to is that I don't want to go to the doctor. I'm certain I'd be referred to the specialist who rehabilitated my shoulder several years ago. It always starts out the same way. They tell me I need to lose weight. In one sentence, they would demolish my 8 pound trophy from last weeks efforts, and I don't want to be shot down this early. Fortunately it's summer, and I can take it easy a while and see where this goes. Though I want to spend next week in the studio, I will have to limit my trips up and down the steps. So I'm just whining. I'll get out of the house a bit today. I need to go get crickets for my son's gecko, and the dogs will be out of food in the next week. Maybe a nice coffee while I'm out. Mom would say I need white hyacinths for my soul, but I think they're out of season.

Back In The Saddle Again

February, March, April, and May sucked. I didn't keep a firm grip on the reins, and my plan fell apart. I don't know what it is. I blame it on stress at work that derails my intentions. Even with a fridge, a microwave, and an electric tea kettle in my classroom, I still can't find the illusive balance that losing weight relies upon. I surround myself with healthy foods, then eat them ALL when the storm clouds of stress loom overhead. That describes those 4 months, and having braved the storm, I picked up nearly 20 of my lost pounds. The last day of school for me was last Tuesday. On Wednesday, I started all over again. It is now Wednesday again, and I am down 8 pounds from last Wednesday. Another 10.5 and I'll be back where I left off in January. That's do-able, and emotionally I'm ready set to make it happen. It was mid July of last summer when I discovered what works for me, and I experienced good loss the remainder of last summer. I have no doubt in my ability to succeed, especially with an added 6 weeks of summer effort to my advantage this summer. Stress is definitely a factor, and since I can imagine no way to avoid it, I must devise a way to navigate it. I'm open to suggestions. I do think I need to purchase an additional digital scale so as to keep one in my classroom. I don't like to pack my lunch. I don't know what I might want to eat 15 hours in advance. I can stock my mini fridge with mainstays, one of which I only recently discovered and will require measuring it. It's a spread made with tofu...it came to me recommended as a foundation spread for little finger sandwiches, but it has a world of potential as a dip, as a cheese/mayo replacement, for veggies, for pretzels; I have eaten it sometimes twice a day in the past week and whipped up a second batch this morning. I could see making it on the weekend and keeping a container of it at work. Even an apple gets weighed, as do bananas, cherries, cucumbers and tomato. I possess enough OCD to feel totally defeated it I must "guess". That's how I got fat in the first place! I thought a little of this and a little of that wouldn't matter. So as ridiculous as it might sound, I will move forward with my calories, ounces and grams in check. I'm even measuring the non-starchy veggies. No guess work. So with full accountability, I'm back to staying within the 1500 calorie perimeter. It works, and I don't feel deprived. Are you kidding? I have eaten more better tasting food this past week than I had February-May combined. It's time intensive to plan, prepare, and creatively present (so as to amuse myself), but 8 pounds is a definite victory in my lifelong battle. And I realize at no time during the past year was I defeated. Numbers up or numbers down, I'm making better choices. There are foods that don't come in my house any more. Not because they're not allowed, but because my love affair with them is over. I've replaced them with fresher, less processed, low calorie, low fat, high fiber alternatives. I don't remember the last time I ate a canned vegetable or fruit. We don't eat beef in our home because my husband cannot. So like a bonsai, we're constantly making minor adjustments and shaping a more healthy way of living. It's not perfect yet, but it's better than it was a year ago. Way better than it was 5 years ago, and exponentially better than it was growing up on fried chicken, biscuits, gravy, liver and onions, macaroni and cheese, hotdogs, sausage, whole milk ice cream by the half gallon served on a bed of peanut butter, supreme pizzas at bedtime, inhaling secondhand smoke all the while. Nutrition was never a factor growing up. All we knew was that everything Mom made tasted good, and the more she made, the better, because that meant seconds! I'm 20 years younger than my Mom was when she died of a heart attack. I'd like to think I have more than 20 years to live. I first experienced significant weight loss 23 years ago...when I was 23! I've spent HALF my life being conscientious, being extremely aware of what I eat. Up until yesterday when someone dining 2 tables away on the same restaurant deck as I was lit up a cigarette, I can't recall the last time I encountered cigarette smoke. It's hard to break cycles and swim against the current. Sometime soon I'm going to make the appointment to have blood work done late summer, early fall. I haven't had any done the past year, and I still hang on to my last report. I'm anxious to see where the numbers are after a summer of hardcore "this". "That" may be the catalyst that sends me back to work with the motivation to continue "this" come Hell or high water! I DID have my blood pressure taken sometime in May and it was exceptionally good. The only reason I had it done then was because I was feeling as though I might burst at the seams and drop dead any moment. Fortunately, I did not, and was more than pleasantly surprised to see that while my weight was not going down at the time, my choices were still making me healthier. I promise I will not go another 4 months without an update. This really helps me, so thanks for reading. Suggestions and comments are welcomed along the way.

And She SCORES!

I am too happy for words! This is the last Saturday weigh-in for the month of January.

To re-cap a bit, I hit my all time highest weight Christmas 2009. I saw my family being able to enjoy things without me...like riding bikes on the beach. I vowed then to *change*. So from that December 26, 2009 trip to the scale, and throughout all of 2010, I fretted. Success came in fractions of pounds the first half of 2010. During the summer, I was fortunate to catch an article on AOL about Sean Anderson and his tremendous success. It was another defining moment in my own journey. I started following his approach to food, and on Saturday, September 11, I weighed in -30 pounds from where I started Christmas 2009, but the bulk of the loss can be credited to Sean's approach, which prompted me to begin this blog. September 11. That was the end of the 2nd week of school. I started losing my grip. I hadn't translated what was working in my summer schedule into something that COULD work at work. Gradually, fractions came back...week after week. Holidays are always hard and they always begin with Halloween candy and continue through January 1st. I reached a compromise with the whole holiday thing...I bought candy I didn't like, I kept baked goods in the unheated garage, I didn't make dips, or buy cheeses, or even entertain for that matter. I made a pact with myself to do as little harm as possible, get through the swirling vortex of holiday temptations best I could without a compass, and begin again with something I could do, only this time, hardcore.

Again, I weighed December 26, 2010. Down 12 pounds from the previous Christmas, but UP 18 from September 11! Happy or sad? I didn't dwell on either emotion. I knew what I had to do. I was victorious over the previous years' weight, and was experiencing loss in double digits...something I had not had bragging rights to in some time. But there was that 18 pounds. That was not acceptable considering the fact I know exactly what to do! So from December 26, 2010 to January 1, 2011, I thought long and hard. January 1 because my husband traditionally prepares a feast for our entire extended family that day, albeit far healthier than anything October, November, or December presents, it would be the last hurdle of the *season* and a good jumping off point for me. I spent those days modifying my goals, determining a weekly average I'd like to shoot for, but ultimately a "monthly goal". My weight would be allowed to ebb and flow throughout the month, but at month's end, I wanted a number in place for accountability. That gave me short term goals instead of the larger Christmas to Christmas bookmark. I had the food figured out! I'm still tweaking my plan so as to keep it sustainable, but currently I'm finding 1400 calories a day with unlimited non-starchy vegetables to be the optimal plan for me. Beyond that, it becomes a game, and I like that I'm only competing against myself. I'd say it's like solitaire, but since I don't know how to play that, I won't say it's anything other than me, myself, and I in the game. I'm weighing every morsel I eat with the exception of non-starchy veggies, which encourages me to eat more of them. Really...it does! The time it takes to weigh, look up calorie values, and record the information for the fractions of ounces of things that can go in to a salad...no thanks...so I give myself freedom. I didn't get fat eating lettuce.

Another thing I did after long debate was I "outed" myself on Facebook. Keep in mind, my Friend list is very, very short. My list, right now, consists of ONLY people who want this for me as much as I want it myself. I have 21 Friends. Some people have thousands. I'm going for quality, not quantity. Every comment, every "like", every message, carries me to the next success. If I'm struggling, I post it in my status, and encouraging words come to my rescue immediately. When I'm successful and have good news to report, there are people there who know and feel the celebration I want to share. It's been great!

So now....for today's report. Despite last week's hormonal hiccup at the scale, I rebounded with a vengeance, and took off SIX pounds this week!!! I am over the moon! And, as you recall, I set some lofty goals the last week of December. I wanted an average loss of 2.5 per week. January dealt me 5 Saturdays. That's a goal of 12.5 pounds to lose for the month...AND I DID IT!!! I am exactly where I wished myself to be today, and that gives me all the more confidence that I AM on the right path, I CAN live this way, and I WILL succeed...because I already am. First it was day by day. Then week to week. A month is behind me, and it was good. I can do this.

My husband left yesterday for 10+ days in Mississippi to get a steel mill up and running. My game now is to see how much less of me he can come home to. :)

If Mother Nature was on Facebook, I'd Block Her.

Just when things were looking so good, *BAM*!, my efforts fell into the abyss of PMS. Granted, it's a temporary state of existance, but all I can say is "Damn!". I wanted salt, I wanted chocolate, I wanted pizza. I even bargained with myself one night and decided to succumb to the pizza demons in the interest of getting it out of my system. We no longer order meatlovers, nor do we order a large. We go for a medium Italian Sausage, mushroom and jalapeno one and depend on a teenager to polish off the remains. We ordered online from the place 2 miles down the road; they'll deliver to the corner gas station, but not to our house, so hubby went to PH to pick up. He was gone so long I started to fear he had been in an accident. Much, much later, he returned....with a bag from Wendy's. When he arrived at PH 10 minutes past the scheduled pick up time, they had a long line at the pick up window. One by one they left, and finally it was my husband's turn. PH said it would be another 10 minutes. They say 20 minutes when you order...he arrived 10 minutes later, so there's 30, and now they're saying 10 more...40 minutes in the making. He told them to give him his money back, so he went to Wendy's and came home with a single and a small fry for me. I didn't even bother to look it up for the calories. I had almost 700 to spare at that point, and decided for as bad as it was, it was still better than the double burger, large fry and Frosty I used to enjoy. I was hungry and it was food. Chocolate was the odd thing though. I can normally pass it up, but this was a craving so fierce I was scrounging through my baking cabinet for a remedy. That terrible storm lasted 2 days and I'm finally beginning to regain the control I was so proud of. Perhaps the scales helped snap me back into reality. They were not my friend today, showing a whopping 4 pound gain in one week. I know it will be gone by next Saturday, but the moment, today, it sucks...for lack of a better summary.

Today I've just wandered around the house, no gusto for much of anything. I showered early and dressed as though I might go somewhere, but didn't. I'm in desperate need of a haircut and contemplating going some place I've never gone even though I've gone to the same person for 15 years. Just wondering if I'm missing something new and exciting. Even when I ask for something different, I come home and my hair is the same.

Tomorrow I told my husband I really want to go somewhere, if for no other reason than to not be a slave to laundry and dog hair 2 days in a row. I've requested we go to The Fresh Market, 40 miles away. I can easily kill an hour or 2 in there. I suggested we get something nice for the grill, and I also want to try steel cut oats. He's poo-poo'd the popularity of steel cut oats and insists they are nutritionally the same as our Quaker Old Fashioned variety. Regardless, they're a nutritionally sound food, and if the only difference is in texture, than so be it. I prefer cooked oats over instant. Perhaps steel cut is a cut above old fashioned, and if so, why shouldn't I enjoy them? I cannot believe I'm writing about oatmeal, muchless driving 40 miles for it, but I'm on a journey...a mission. I love food, and that relationship will never change. I will, however, make better choices in both quality and quantity.

Food Lion now sells individually wrapped frozen 100 calorie portions of salmon. That makes me happy. We had them baked with sea salt and lemon, then topped with wasabi sauce when done...brown rice, a veggie egg roll, and steamed green beans. I also tried another recipe from my Splenda cookbook...applesauce snack cake. It got the seal of approval from my teenager, so it will be part of my arsenal in this battle.