Monday, January 16, 2012
In my next to last post, I promised I wouldn't go another 4 months without posting. I didn't...I went more like 7...almost to the day. Summer went down hill fast. I spent it alone for the most part as my husband traveled non-stop with his job. My son worked in the woods, and on the rare occasions that he ventured out, it was to go to Walmart to restock camp supplies and ride in grocery carts...as it should be. I'm glad he's living the life. I mentioned knee pain in my last post; that escalated into a major ordeal and I have just completed a round of physical therapy and see the surgeon again tomorrow. Not for surgery; just for him to poke it and nod, and probably insist I lose weight. After that, there were female problems that required attention, my father-in-law taking a sudden turn for the worse (though he has since regained vitality), and currently my father's decline in health. We had to make the decision to put him in a facility just before Christmas so he'd receive proper care, no longer able to consistently care for himself and be safe. So Christmas was hard. I half-heartedly put up a tree and put candles in the windows, and that was it. The tree is still up. No joke. And it's on a timer, so yeah, it's on every night. No wonder the neighbors don't associate with us. In September, I made the decision with my husband's support to have lap band surgery. I never wanted to go that route, but I didn't want to spend the remainder of my life fighting a battle I've never won. We went to the info session, I attended the support group, we started eating dinner on saucers instead of plates...then insurance denied us. I was beyond sad. That was the end of the road in choices, and I was denied access to the only hope that remained. Somewhere within that lost time frame, I went on a mild anti-depressant; some days it works better than others. I don't mean to sound like Eeyore. Really, I'm plugging along, no worse for wear. That's just the scenario of events leading up to where I am today.
I originally dug through the deep, dark recesses of my brain trying to remember my password to get on here and delete this blog, if that's even possible, and/or begin a new one. As I started re-reading old posts and looking at pictures, I realized I'm a work in progress, and if I delete the progression, then it's just work. It did me good to look back and see the enthusiasm I had, to see pictures I enjoyed taking, to see the time I invested in myself making pretty food. It wasn't for nothing. In the past 7 months, I've continued to get on the scales. Not with any real determination to make them move, but more to see if I was doing any real damage while I was emotionally adrift between rocks and hard places.
I am HAPPY to say this morning that I am pleased. Not sure if that's a proper break to begin a new paragraph, but I wanted emphasis on HAPPY, and what I discovered. In my last post, I yammered about my 8 pound loss for the week, but I really didn't recollect what number that put me on. You know what I mean. At some point in this process, they're all just numbers and all that really matters is that they get smaller, not what they are. I don't know what I weighed June 16, 2011. Fortunately, I tracked that elsewhere and it didn't take long for me to look it up. So here's the news. I'm only 4 pounds up in 7 months. That to me has "victory" written all over it. As an emotional eater, with all of the emotions I have experienced in 7 undocumented months, I apparently found another way more than once to deal with it. I'm happy with that. In years past, I have gained upwards of 15 pounds over the holidays, starting in October with Halloween candy. This year I bought Tootsie Pops and put the basket on the stoop; never even answered the door, but when I went to turn the lights out and retrieve the basket, it was empty. No residual chocolate to consume. Thanksgiving was the usual fare, and leftovers. Christmas, not so much. I baked on request. If my son wanted cookies, I made him cookies and he took the off with him to the rescue squad, where he volunteers. If he wanted rum cake, I made rum cake. Other than that, I made the one cake that has always been present on Christmas and I enjoyed it thoroughly, as often as I wanted. It was a trade off. I made the one thing I most wanted instead of producing a Martha Stewart variety of choices to graze on. It paid off. I do remember the highest number I ever reached, and even with my 4 pound gain in 7 months, I'm still 15 below that, and that I can handle. Like I said, it's much better than I expected given my history.
So today I begin again. Yesterday was spent in preparation for today and the week that will follow. I bought turkey breast, weighed it out into 90 calorie bags. I bought roasted, unsalted almonds, and weighed them out into 1/2 oz, 90 calorie portions. I bought fiber bars, and baby carrots, and blueberries, and almond milk. The arsenal is stocked. I made breakfast cheesecakes...I had gotten into the funk of not eating breakfast, and working through lunch, and then coming home at 4 starved. I'd eat the king's ransom and spoil my appetite for supper, but eat again anyway. I can't remember the last time I drank water. I drank coffee or wine. I won't give up either, but today they get put back into proper perspective. The cheesecakes will make a nice start to my day. They're already made, all 7 custard cup sized...mainly cottage cheese, light cream cheese and egg whites, Splenda, almond extract and orange peel. I like them with blueberries. I bought low sugar protein bars to have half before 3rd period, and the other half before I leave my classroom so as not to go home ravenous. I'm hoping half a bar gives me enough oomph to get me through an hour of some activity, all of which I can take advantage of on school grounds: walking the track, lifting weights, using a recumbent stepper or bike, treadmill, whatever...something every day before I leave work. Part of my physical therapy involved finding motion control shoes to correct my severe pronation, so I'm always IN tennis shoes...no excuse to not go walk the flat track before heading home. I have to work up to doing stairs. I've been doing stairs, but I've been doing them incorrectly. I can only correctly do up to 3" steps right now...stairs in buildings are 7", so I have some work to do.
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