Day #14

Not a happy day in my household. I'm pissed. I got up at 6am yesterday, unloaded the dishwasher, reloaded it, ran it, put clothes in the dryer, started another load, packed an overnight bag, and went to see my Dad. My parting words to my husband were, "Keep the laundry moving". I packed a bag just in case I decided to spend the night, but was truly on the fence. I got to Dad's at 10:35; I was anticipating bingo, but instead walked in on an old time hymn sing. I sat next Dad and kept him on the right page and sang my little heart out...until the did Amazing Grace. That was sung at both my Grandfather's and my Mother's funerals, and to this day is one of the most painful hymns for me to endure in the company of others. Sometimes I had to mouth the words because I couldn't register a sound. Tears welled up on the ledges of my eyes. I could hardly stand it. And I couldn't escape! I couldn't just get up and walk out, not where I was sitting. So I did my best to conceal the emotions, and teetered on the brink of disaster. Dad's mind was as unpredictable as my voice. A lot of nonsensical ramblings and lack of clarity about his surroundings. Not uncommon with his condition, but one of only maybe 2 days I've seen him this way. At one point, I needed to exit. I needed to leave. I needed to walk away and regroup. I found solice in the local farmer's market, where I could wander aimlessly and appear interested in uninteresting things. I bought a few of them. After that, I sought out the company of 2 old friends, twice, only I never found them at home. I found the most gorgeous orange roses tipped in red at the local Food Lion there, and bought them for my Dad. My brother helped me locate a discarded vase that wouldn't be the end of the world if it got lost or broken. They brightened Dad's room tremendously upon my return. I also snooted around until I found the photos of him and his lady friend, me and my childhood friend that had been taken down and stashed away by employees during his last room change. I put those up on the wall. It was getting late. I still didn't know if I was staying or driving home. I'm not a fan of driving at night, especially when I'm emotionally spent. One of the 2 friends I tried to locate, the lady friend aforementioned, was where I would stay when I would spend the night, but having been unsuccessful in finding her, it would be unfair of me to impose upon her at such a late time. I did however try a 3rd time to see her and was more successful. We had a nice visit, share some tears, and she did indeed encourage me to stay, but I didn't think it would be right. I went back to see Dad, found him a bit better than I had left him before, filled the car with gas, grabbed chicken tenders and onion rings, and hit the road. I got home around 9:30, exhausted. Started crying walking from the car to my own front door. All the emotions of the day could finally come out and play. I drank 2 glasses of wine and went to bed. I slept until 10:30 this morning. It's now afternoon, and I have yet to finish my first mug of coffee or breakfast. I'm too damned mad. Apparently, "Keep the laundry moving" translated to, "put the wet clothes in the dryer, start another load, and take the ones that were in the dryer and leave them in a mound on the chair in the bedroom." Nothing got done. The load left to sit in the dryer were my dark work clothes, all wrinkled. My dryer takes twice as long to dry a load as the washer takes to wash a load. Laundry is always a 2-day event in my house. So now I have 5 loads to go, and nobody understands why I can't stop crying. Keep the laundry moving. What if I HAD spent the night?!?! What if I hadn't returned until 4pm today? Do they think this shit gets done all by itself? And what was he doing all the while? He never left the house. No. He watched Battlestar Gallactica all day on Netflix! Nobody vacuumed. Nobody cleaned bathrooms. Nobody bought groceries. Nobody dismantled the F*%# Christmas tree. Nobody even hugged me when I walked in crying. It's not a good day in my house today. I lost another half pound though. Just for spite, I'll skip the fabric softener on his undies this week.