FOUND IT! A Week, plus or minus a day

One day in the course of last week, I was fortunate enough to catch the article on Sean Anderson on AOL. The planets must have been properly aligned because for whatever reason, I clicked. I've battled my weight my entire life. It seemed to always win. I've done program after program, spent more money than I care to think about, and left each program with a feeling rotten about myself. I learned things along the way and have gleaned better habits as a whole, so let's end the complaining right there, and begin again.

I know what to do and I know I am the only person who can do this for me. I deserve this. I am worthy! Previous efforts have been like spinning plates on sticks...one starts to wobble so I focus on it. Another gets weak and I again change focus. My co-workers all know I "diet", they even come to me for new food discoveries I've braved and ideas for this craving or that, but what they've witnessed is 10 years of my very best dog-paddling. They haven't seen great loss. They've seen the amount of effort I've put forth to not weigh MORE.

So back to Sean. Many lights shined brightly as I read the article on AOL, read his blog, read the blogs of his kindred...pieces and parts started coming together and making sense to me. I realized I possessed all the right "stuff", but was allowing my tools to just lay around. I needed a toolbelt so as to have all my tools with me and in motion at once. I felt encouragement from a source I hadn't considered. A total stranger who seemingly knew WAY too much about what it was like to be ME! In the time that passed as I read their words, clearly everything that happened before I picked up my laptop that morning became my past, and everything else became my here, my now, and my future.

I'm 45. I like numbers. I like that I was was born on an even number. I like that my birth month is a factor of my birth day and year. I don't know why! I married an even number the second time around, and it's all good. His birth month is a multiple of mine. My first marriage was odd...need I say more? That's funny, so take pause to laugh. My son is even across the board. Our birth dates are 20, 22, 24. All good things to me require order, but it's usually after they fall into place that I say, "Hey look! It fits!". So here's why I believe now is the time. I'm 45. I'm looking 50 straight in the eye. My Mom had her first heart attack at 50. She died on 1-11-01. She was 66. Fifty and 66 have become some swirling vortex sucking me in. I don't want to have a heart attack, muchless within the next 5 years. My greatest victory thus far over heredity has been the privilege of saying I am still, to this very day, the only member of my family NOT on medication for cholesterol, blood pressure, depression, diabetes, or any combination thereof. Granted, I'm the baby, but even at 45 my siblings fought demons.

Being the baby and losing a parent who was already having health problems before I said goodbye to my 20's, I saw behaviors and consequences all the years I lived at home. I felt I might have some advantage since I decided I would never smoke. I saw what it does to a family when one member deteriorates too soon. I have one son and I don't want that for him. So as the 50's close in, I'm broadcasting my goal. My goal is this: by the time I am 50, I will have repaired the damage. "Damage" will reveal many facets along the way. My body will be strong and healthy. I can't wrap my head around a number I'd like to shoot for, but undoubtedly it will be even and/or a multiple of 5 just for my own amusement. I know I have more than 100 pounds to lose, but for now, let's say 105. In that, I will cross two major rivers. That would deliver me to a weight I've not seen since my second month of pregnancy...my son is 15 now.